Adventures from Home 3

Today begins "Mandatory 2 a Day Workouts."

I have learned 2 things:

1. I think my sister came up with this plan to try and kill me
2. Jillian Michale's 30 Day Shred is evil. Pure evil genius

Its taking several tries for me to write this. My arms are shaking wildly. I still haven't caught my breathe and we've been done for 45 minutes.

But the Mac & Cheese we are about to have for lunch (Kraft, Original, no shapes) is going to be heaven.

Adventures from Home 2

During our 9th game of Scrabble (yes, consecutively. no I haven't gotten dressed yet) today I looked up to see my sister using a mechanical pencil as a toothpick.



Swear.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone.

Or Happy Holidays.

Or if you don't celebrate today...I wish you a happy day!

Adventures from Home

I am home for the holidays and am so happy to be here. I am staying here until January 3rd.

I know I am not going to have any desire to leave...

The following story is true and accurate. I swear it just happened. Like 10 minutes ago just happened...

My sister and I are making holiday treats, you know. Chex Mix and a hodgepodge of dips that involve things like cream cheese.

Lots of cream cheese.

She needs to know if there is bowling tonight. Because in rural America you join a bowling league.

I can't wait to join a bowling league.

No, seriously, can't wait.

So she tries to call the owner of the bowling alley to find out if they are going to have league because the weather is sketchy at best.

"Do you suppose the random Patti in my phone is the Patti I need?"

Sure I say!

So she dials, says who she is and asks who she just called...

NOT the Patti she needs.

Her response?

"Oh well, I really hope you have a Merry Christmas but I was hoping you were someone else. Happy Holidays!"

Hangs up the phone and promptly deletes that Patti from her phone.

What I Was Supposed To Do vs. Reality

This weekend I was supposed to:

• See a movie with JMB
• Get my eyebrows waxed
• Do my Christmas shopping and buy a special little girls first birthday gift
• Get my nails done
• Clean my house
• Attend a holiday party
• Organize my closet

Reality:

• Saw the movie
• Got my eyebrows waxed
• Went to the holiday party
• Laid on the couch. A lot. Not moving.

So when am I going to get all of this other stuff done? Um, going to have to be by Thursday because Friday I head home. Time to see my family, celebrate the special ones first birthday and see the one who makes me laugh and makes me smile.

Worst Day. In Along Time

Its been a long time since I have been a wreck. A long time.

Months even.

But today I had.

MX changed his mind. Again.

Shouldn't be surprising. Should be expected.

I wish I had gotten mad.

I wish I had been vindictive.

I wish I could hurt you like you hurt me.

But I can't.

I just play nice for the sake of being the better person. Because I believe in being the better person.

I don't want to stoop to your level.

I am better than that.

Stop Changing Your Mind

First MX wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
Then he didn't.

Then he wanted a divorce, then he didn't and then he did.

I offered him the house. He didn't want it.

It will sell.
But it didn't.

So MX asked what it would take for me to walk away or what I would give him.
Take the house. I will go away. Just like I offered before.

So now when he doesn't think he will get approved for an assumption because he doesn't want to refi and pay closing costs he has the audacity to ask if I will move out.

If I will move in with family or friends.

Um, hi? I have no family in the area. And no friends to crash with when I have 2 dogs and a cat. There was a reason we decided I would stay here.

Stop changing your mind. I tried to talk to you about this before the divorce was final. We made a decision. Stick with it.

I just want this over with. I want to be able to move on 100%.

Where I Want To Be

The inability to plan is driving me batty.

I am a planner by nature. Not knowing where I am going in the immediate future is horrible!

I know where I want to go and where I want to be. Just can’t quite seem to get there.

Having the house with MX, still, is not fun. I've moved on but then I can't move on completely...yet.

I am trying to get there, home. But I can't. Because there is still this house. And this thing I need to find near home...J-O-B.

But I want/need to be there. Soon.

Being Happy

I am happy.

I have fun. I go where I want when I want.

Vegas before Thanksgiving? Sure! Keno at breakfast? Picking a slot machine to play while eating your breadsticks based on the size of its ledge (for easier eating of course) - normal!

Spending time with my family at the holiday. Not having to be anywhere else or worry about anyone else...amazing. A truly stress free holiday.

It doesn't make anything that happened less painful or less real. But maybe everyone was right. It happened for a reason. Maybe it is better that it happened now and not when we were older. He wasn't the person I thought he was and certainly wasn't the man I loved.

I deserve better than that.

Right now, in this moment, I am happy.

Minor Vent

I hate when you get used to something being a certain way and then when it changes, just ever so slightly it annoys you. Or you wonder what is wrong. When in truth you know, deep down, you are overreacting, over analyzing and just need to chill the f out.

So why am I being such a girl?

Because there is a part of me that knows that something occurred, that it just isn't ready to be shared and because of that...its not its being withheld.

So please just tell me already. You already alluded about going in circles. Just out with it already.

Updates

Not sure why I have fallen off the blogging wagon lately.

Am I distracted? A bit.

Do I have a million things I am trying to figure out? Yes.

Am I am afraid that I can't get things to work logistically the way I want/need them to? Yes.

Do I think this has me frozen?

Um, yeah. To say the least.

Just Need, Darn It Do It

Despite overwhelming feedback I just haven't done it yet. I can't seem to bring myself to unfriend.

I don't know why. These people mean next to nothing to me.

Today I saw something that actually made my stomach do flips. It wasn't pictures, they don't bother me.

It was a mutual friend combining her last name with his. That has MX written all over it.

He always does it.

The fantasy football team we had for years...it was a combo of my his first name and my last. Prior to that it was his first name with his college girlfriends first name combined together...now its her last name combined with his last name.

I admit it. It made me nauseous.

For a second.

And then I remembered that I deserve better. That he threw us away and she can have, what I am sure she believes is original, a cheesy nickname.

The Alarm

Alarm goes off. I think "time to get up and workout."

But what I do is roll over and go back to sleep.

Workout fail.

Working Out

I have fallen off the workout wagon in a major way. Major.

I was dedicated, fell off, got back on and have now found myself majorly sidelined.

So today I bought myself new workout pants. Why would someone who isn't working out buy new workout pants? Because I hope it motivates me to get off my tush and back to working out!

I also hope it means that I find a nice used treadmill soon so that I can run in the winter!

Needs

I need:

• the house to sell
• the wait to be over
• the drama to go away

Should I Un-Friend?

FB is an interesting place. Its there that I routinely see pictures of MX with her. Pictures posted by our friends that are now their friends.

Pictures of him doing things with her that he never would have done with me and claimed to not enjoy.

So it has me thinking...

As I continue to do things to separate my life now from MX, is it time to un-friend the former couple friends? They are, for all intents and purposes, his friends. I haven't heard anything from any of them. I am not sure if we would speak if I ran into them. I don't know what they have been told.

Do I do it? Or do I leave the connection available?

There really should be a divorce handbook on these things!

Money

With MX everything was joint. Joint checking, savings, credit cards etc. Our 401k contributions were the same as were our Roths.

When I transitioned to having my own accounts I started appreciating the fact that I could spend money on what I wanted because well, I wanted to. I didn't have to stop and think about how it impacted someone else or what they would think of the purchase.

But today when I got my first paycheck under single claiming 1 exemption versus married with 1 exemption...and it was $117 less than normal...

I wished I had married filing status again.

I want that $3k back. (26 paychecks in a year)

But then I would be with someone who didn't value me as a person, who cared so little he walked out on our marriage.

Never mind, I am okay with losing the $3k.

Timing

Sometimes timing is everything. Ours is apparently horrendous...

Maybe it will work its way out.

Name Change

I remember when I changed my name after we were married...While I never thought my married name sounded good with my first name I couldn't wait to be Mrs.

I took an extra day after the honeymoon, cut my hair (because that is what you do when you first get married) and went about the name change process.

I had done all of my research and knew where to start.

People congratulated me.

Fast forward four years I have this name change process down pat.

But a tip to the Social Security office workers, Drivers License Bureau workers, credit card company call service workers and the associates at my bank...

When I say I need to change my name don't ASSume it was due to marriage and congratulate me.

Note to self; should you go down the marital path again...NO CHANGING OF THE NAME.

Hello, Heard of Divorce?

Dear Google,

Not being able to change my main email account on my Google account, blogger, reader, iGoogle etc...

SUCKS.

Its dumb. My old email address had MX's name. I want my name back. I am moving forward Everyone else is letting me; my credit cards don't ask for proof of identity to change my name, the bank took 24 hours to do so, my company took 48...but Google...you won't let it happen.

I have moved on. So should you!

Sincerely,

StartingOver@28

Ice Breaker

I think Ice Breakers are dumb.

Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

But at a JL meeting earlier this week I participated in an interesting one...

If the story of your life were made into a movie; who would play you and who would play your love interest?

Reese Witherspoon
Kieffer Sutherland (love Jack Bauer & his man-bag o' tricks)

So, who would you pick?

Meet Me

Or see me rather.


When I started this I didn't want anyone to know who I was or what I looked like. While I am not going to start posting my address or social security number I am finally ready to show you me...


If you have been reading this from the beginning you know that the last 7 months have been tougher than anything I have ever experienced in my life.


So here is a picture of me out with my friends. The first night I really went out since this entire ordeal began. I was fine.


So, its nice to meet you...






Sincerely,

StartingOver@28

D Day

I arrived at 9 a.m.

I went in as a married woman.

At 9:17 a.m. I left.

Divorced.

It was a tough morning but one I had prepared for. I knew it was coming.

In a lot of ways I had known since February 11th. The day I found out.

Shortly thereafter I told my sister that I didn't know what would happen between us but if I didn't try...If I didn't try to save my marriage I would never forgive myself.

I did try.

I did what I could.

In the end it wasn't enough.

As tough as it was to walk into that courtroom at least I knew I had tried.

September 15th wasn't the day the marriage ended. It was over long before.

It was simply the formality.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day its officially over.

It's been "over" longer than even I knew but still.

Tomorrow its really over.

Tomorrow I hope for strength.

I just want to get through with my dignity.

I don't want him to see me cry one more tear.

I still don't know how I ended up here.

When Will I Grow Up

I am watching the MTV VMA's.

I am 28.

I don't recognize some of the presenters and have never heard of their shows.

I think I am out of touch and need to give up!

Weird

Its weird when I tell people that I have a court date and they say "Congratulations."

Its weird that people ask if I am excited.

Its weird that when I went out for a 30th birthday party and started a tab I realized it was probably the last time I would have a tab under my married name.

Its just weird.

I still don't understand how this is my life. Or how I got here.

I am not sad exactly; I have moved past those feelings. I guess in some ways the situation is surreal.

Friends have offered to go with me on Tuesday but its probably best to go on my own. I know that there will be tears. Its still the death of my marriage. I just don't want to let him see me cry. Not again.

You Know You Are Single When...

You don't fill an entire trash bag in a week.

You open your dishwasher and see butter knives and appetizer plates because that is all a PB&J need.

You haven't used your oven in months.

Your friends try to set you up.

You update your blog on a Friday night and that is the highlight of your evening.

I Cried Today

Today I cried and I don't entirely know why. It happened when I was getting MS2BX's car title out of the filing cabinet. Tomorrow he is taking the title, the lien release (a nice document they send you when you pay your car off) and a general affidavit to remove my name from his car title.

Out of nowhere the tears came.

Maybe it was because when I was going through the file cabinet I found the picture of our wedding party at the alter. The one I kept meaning to frame and mat.

Just hadn't gotten around to it yet.

Now I never will.

The one thing I don't know how to handle is the pictures.

Pictures from the wedding and from six years of a life together. Pictures with friends, family, events. Where do they go? In a box? Tucked away? Or to digital heaven and a physical trash bin?

I recycled the stationary I had made for us...that was easy enough.

There is no more us.

There is MS2BX.

There is me.

A Date!

No, not that kind of date.

D-Day.

I never thought, especially reading back through this, this and especially this, that I would be relieved to have this day draw near.

September 15th, 2009 at 9 a.m.

Key Learnings

This week K learned not to throw away an iPod adapter without first disconnecting the iPod.

I learned not to drive off with my cell sitting on my bumper. Its now MIA.

Awesome.

This Single Girls First

This whole dating process is new to me. I never enjoyed it in my pre-married years. Didn't do a lot of it. No desire to date around. Its just not me.

I have had two serious relationships; my high school/college boyfriend that I dated for five years and the six years I spent with MS2BX. In between the two (about a year between them) I dated a bit but just enjoyed being on my own for the most part.

This experience is...

I-N-T-E-R-E-S-T-I-N-G

Thing is, I am not actively dating. I am not "putting myself out there." I really enjoy being on my own.

For the most part I sit at home with my best friend grilling and drinking a few beers on the deck. At most, a weekend trip home to spend time with my sister and her husband.

I dipped my toe back in with the boy who made me laugh and smile. But that was followed with our goodbye.

Now there is another boy from back home.

But I am not interested. At all. Not even in a humor-him-just-get-out-and-have-fun kinda way.

So the first?

Thanks for the offer but for now I am just flying solo.

At least it was by email.

Dollar Dollar Bills Ya'll

One of my favorite blogs to read is Everyday Adventures of Me in the City. She lives a life I don't want to lead (city living, public transport, online dating whereas I yearn for a quiet life in the country) yet I find myself living vicariously through her pursuits. Today she had quite the intriguing post that struck a chord.

See, the last few weeks I have been buying a lottery ticket. Can't hurt right?

$1 here, $1 there...maybe $2 for the power play option...

But I haven't had one number match. NOT ONE. Give a girl a break already. Can't I get one little match?

But oh have I ever pondered what I would do with the money...

I would:

• Buy MS2BX out of this house so I could just walk away
• Save & invest
• Change my cell phone number
• Get in touch with my financial planner & attorney
• Save & invest
• Buy the little acreage (yes, the same one I would buy now) I have had my eye on since April and convince the people who farm around it to sell me one little neighboring acre so I could comfortably have horses
• Buy the horse I have been pining for the last several years. While I would increase my budget a bit...it wouldn't be much
• Purchase a truck and trailer (4 horse with living quarters)
• Save & invest
• Workout a way to pay off my mom's condo without her knowing and divert her mortgage payment to a savings fund so that she has a retirement fund.
• Pay my sisters house off
• Save & invest

Nope. Not Yet

Still no court date. Still waiting.

But still making progress.

Because of the fabulousness that is Facebook I have recently seen a plethora of pictures of MS2BX and his girlfriend posted by mutual friends.

And yet...they don't bother me anymore.

Sure, I am not jumping for joy at seeing them. But they don't make me well-up with tears or make my stomach drop.

They may prompt a snide comment or two, because well...after all I am human.

But I know I am going to be fine.

I don't need anyone in my life who would take me granted.

Another Goodbye

He made me laugh.

He made me smile.

He made me believe in life again.

There will be no happily ever after for us but for those three things I will always be thankful.

We will always have picnic benches, parking lots, cops in church parking lots, three hour phone conversations and more texts than I thought possible to send.

Hope you find your happiness. I believe I will find mine someday.

Last Night

So MS2BX is being a complete a$$ about the fact that we don’t have a court date. Which to answer the question of why don’t we, here is the latest update from the attorney.

Spoke with Judges Assistant (JA) again. Judge still has not ok'd order. I explained that my client would like to get this done quickly but JA said judge is swamped and for me to call back tomorrow. I stated that I submitted the requested changes so this should not be an issue and a hearing should be set. JA said judges policy is to not set hearing until she oks order. Sorry I wish I could get judge to move faster but my hands are tied.

So it was all I could do not to have a breakdown in the Vegas airport waiting to fly home (stupid layovers) last night. So I get home and I just want to let the dogs out and go to bed. Too bad MS2BX hadn’t let them out since early morning (its now 12:30 a.m.) and they have used their kennels as a bathroom and its all over themselves, their kennels and on the carpet.

Its EVERYWHERE. E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E!

SO I let them out and started cleaning everything up (after sending MS2BX a terse email). Let them back in, get them water, still cleaning.

They use the house for a toilet.

One of them throws up in my room.

I am so frustrated.

I finally get everything cleaned up and we go to bed. I set the alarm.

Dogs want to go outside.

Obviously they have had a bad day and I am going to comply. Try to turn off alarm and the remote tells me its batteries are low and it won’t un-guard.

Finally after a million attempts I get it to undo. And it proceeds to beep at me every few minutes which makes me feel like someone is in the house. Can’t get it open to change the batteries…

I just wanted to cry, scream, something. But I was just spent. Ugh.

So today my ever patient boss helped me get the remote open and hopefully tonight I can sleep in peace.

Please Let Me Be

I let you go when you asked.

Just give me some peace.

I don't know why there have been delays.

Stop harassing me.

Stop contacting me.

Remember I have never lied to you.

You created this mess.

I just want you gone.

I want to start my life again.

I want the divorce to be final.

I want the house to sell so that I no longer have to have contact with you.

I want to start again.

Away from you.

I want to go home.

Please give me peace.

Please leave me be.

Vacation Fail

While my vacation to my home was one of the best times I have had since the 4th of July I have one major failure to report.

I gained 4 lbs.

Boo.

I think my sister sabotaged me.

You see we are engaged in yet another health contest where the winner gets a massage & facial or their choice of a iPod Touch or Flip video camera...

She wants to win. And she is playing dirty.

Careful What You Wish For

My sister pointed out last week that when the divorce proceedings began I was frustrated that it was so easy and would be final so fast. Now I am frustrated because for whatever reason my judge hasn't assigned a court date.

Be careful what you wish for...sometimes you get it!

Today Is My 4th Wedding Anniversary

Four years ago I thought I married the man of my dreams.

Now I know that I didn't.

But instead of focusing today on what I lost, I am focusing on what I have found.

I have found my strength again. I know now that I won't ever be with someone who doesn't love all of me.

I have found someone who despite our distance texts me good night and good morning, wishes me a good day, sets his alarm to wish me luck on a meaningless 5k race, who memorizes my birthday without me ever telling it to him... Someone who calls to tell me that I am on his mind. That he can't wait to see me. Who makes me smile bigger and laugh harder than anyone ever has.

So today I acknowledge the loss of one life and am happily moving forward as I am StartingOver@28.

PS - dear judge, please don't delay the divorce any longer. please set the court date on monday. I just want it over. thanks.

Why You Are Not Supposed to Lie to Your Mother

Because even when you are 28 she still waits up for you...

On Sunday my sister called to let me know that she had been part of a bit of a disaster. She sounded shook and my sister is always the calm, cool and collected one. There had been a hail storm so severe that her car was ruined, so was the horse trailer, almost all the windows on the house were gone, the roof was beyond repair and there was damage to both barns. But she and her husband, the dogs and the horses were all safe.

I asked if she wanted me to come home. She didn't say yes but she didn't say no.

I finished getting ready for the open house, made pet sitting arrangements, loaded the car & headed north. I text her to let her know I was on my way. She called and said not to come, to turn around.

So I did. But I was thinking, no just keep driving. But in general I always do what she tells me to.

About 20 minutes later she calls back and asks if she is in trouble if she changed her mind. I said of course not and headed back out.

When I arrived and assessed the damage, and wow is there a lot of damage, I asked if she had told mom since I would need to stay with her that evening. She hadn't but went ahead and made the call.

I only heard the first part of the call. Just enough to hear her say "She is coming up."

Not that I was already there and within 5 feet of her. That I was "coming up."

Thus began the lie.

After my sisters call ends my phone rings, mom of course. I let it go to voicemail. She wants to know where I am and when I will be there.

I wait until my sister, her husband and I are headed to their friends* house for a fish fry (because then its authentic with the driving a car sound) for all those who helped with the damage. She wants to know where I am. I say south of Bethany. This buys me an hour and a half. She says she is going to drive to my sisters to see the damage.

Um, what???

You see, if I am an hour and half south of Bethany....what will mom think when she sees my car sitting outside?

So we drop my brother in law off at the friends house, race back to put my car in the shop. And the garage door of the shop won't close.

Hi? Karma much?

So instead we drive my vehicle back to the fish fry...

She calls again to say that I am headed for bad weather, I say that I will pull off if I have to. I call again to let her know I am now within 30 miles (after starting my car and turning on the radio naturally). That I am going to pick up my sisters dog and go to the fish fry. I will be at her house after a while, don't wait up.

In the end, she never drove up to my sisters house.

All that running around and hiding the car to protect the lie and she never showed up.

So later when I stayed out even later with the boy who makes me smile and laugh and my mom asked where I was I told the truth.

I was at my sisters.

I just didn't bother to point out that I had left 3 hours prior.

*side note: my sister and her husband have the most amazing friends. You would not believe how many people who showed up to help them board windows and stop further damage from happening. Plus they all showed up with beer. What more could you ask for?

I DON'T KNOW

Dear MS2BX,

I don't know when we go to court. I promise you that when I do know you will be the first person I tell. Texting me, calling me, texting again....let me repeat.

I DO NOT KNOW WHEN IT IS.

You know what I know.

You will know when I know.

My lawyer will know when the judge tells him, he will tell me, I will tell you. But right now...

I DON'T KNOW.

Sincerely,

StartingOver@28

Taking Charge

When I found out about MS2BX affair I made us an appointment with a therapist and even after he left I continued to see the therapist.

A lot of the time I cried.

I said the things that it took me a while to admit here.

But last month I didn't feel like going so I rescheduled for August.

Today I called and canceled.

I am taking charge. I am getting me back. I am going at it on my own again.

I am going to be okay.

Moving Forward

Proceeding cautiously, optimistically forward...laughing and smiling, yet petrified all the way.

Little things like asking how my day went or calling to say good night.

Just trying to enjoy the little things...

Knowing What You Want

During my recent trip to Denver my best friend and I were able to hang out with two friends (one guy - W, one girl, K) from high school. It was so fun. We went out in downtown Denver, boated in Frisco, walked around Breckenridge...just what I needed.

W was asking us all weekend what we wanted in a guy (why does this seem to be a theme). We each scratched our heads and tried to list some things we thought were important; a guy needed to make us laugh, smile, feel safe. There were also some things that were non-essentials; I want to date someone who can drive a stick shift, eats his steak medium rare and knows how to jump start a car.

But my best friend and I have continued to come up with new things we would add to our lists and a couple of days ago it dawned on me.

It was a country song. I want a relationship like Nitty Gritty Dirt Bands "Fishin in the Dark."

Comfort, no pretenses.

Things Change

I met with MS2BX today, with my attorney, and had our asset agreement notarized. A week from today the divorce will be final.

My attorney met me outside the office building and said that MS2BX was being extremely rude to him and the office staff. He looked like he hadn't slept in days, weeks even. It is weird. He has completely changed. He isn't the man I married. He isn't even a shell of that man.

When I got home from work I saw his sister. The one who used to be one of my best friends. She was friendly. But it was awkward. One of my former nephews was in the car, L, it was weird. He has grown so much. Its only been six months since I saw him last but to him I will never be more than a memory. If even that.

But I didn't cry. I didn't get upset. Its just the past and I am looking forward to my future.

Inspiration

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."- Aristotle

"Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will." - Jawaharal Nehru

"After the game,the king and the pawn go into the same box." - Italian Proverb

"The best way to prepare for life is to begin to live." - Elbert Hubbard

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it." - Yogi Berra

So Much Has Changed

As I slowly dip a toe into the dating waters so to speak I have learned that in six years a lot of things have changed.

Like text messaging. Six years ago we didn't text message. The only form of communication I really had to worry about was whether or not MS2BX called or maybe, just maybe sent an email. Now you flirt via text? How does that work? Don't you need facial expressions, voice inflection and hand gestures?

But now phone calls are our parents letters which have been replaced by emails and texts. Of course...then there is Facebook.

Facebook is like its own little world. There you have IM's, emails, wall posts...A LIKE BUTTON! Constant status updates...you find out that people actual read your page. Want to see what you are doing. Look at your pics...

I don't know that I am cut out for this world! Its mobile sensory overload.

I don't know how to do this dating thing. I even remember in my formerly happy married world being happy I had found my person so I didn't have to deal with these things.

So tell me, how does one deal with this stuff as they re-enter the dating world (never having been good at it to begin with)?

Truly Starting Over

I didn't think it would be possible to ever be interested in someone again. But I think I am. Of course its not without complications all of its own.

But I keep questioning myself. Is it too soon? Or is it time? Is it inappropriate to move on? If so, why? MS2BX has...

But I know this; we have fun and he makes me laugh.

Heading Home

I can't wait to go home for the weekend.

To quote a Jason Michael Carroll song:

"...where the trucks are Ford and the tractors green."

If I could be anywhere its home.

Going to the spa, a wedding, hanging out with my favorite people...

I am trying to get back there. One day at a time.

Acceptance

I believe that I have finally accepted the end of my marriage; partly due to my fabulous 4th of July weekend and partly because I have realized that my feelings just truly don't matter to MS2BX.

So now I wonder; when is it appropriate to move on? How do you know? Obviously my husband (and Jon Gosselin) thought it was appropriate to do so before even letting me know we were in trouble...

But when will I be ready? How will I know?

I Have Found My Breaking Point

I spent the last 4 days in Denver with my best friend. It was a great trip.

MS2BX spent that same amount of time at our one time home. I appreciate him staying here so that the dogs didn't have to be boarded.

But ladies & gentlemen we have located my breaking point.

Today I got an email from MS2BX telling me all the things that he did to the house while I was away. I asked if he were letting me know what he was up to or if he were trying to infer I wasn't doing a good job. He said that he wasn't inferring anything, he simply wanted me to know what he had done.

I appreciated that. Or at least the part of me that is trying to be a bigger person did.

Sure some of it annoyed me but I tried to concentrate on the gesture.

Then I got home.

I looked at the hideous fake flowers that he and his sister placed in the master bedroom. They are colors that are not found in my house. I am just not a country blue and yellow kind of girl.

Haven't seen the breaking point yet?

The smallest hideous arrangement was contained in a vase that says:

Family. Dream. Love.

Seriously. I can't make this up. Who would do that?

I just want this over with. I want the house to sell. I want to be done. I want my life back.

Things Like This Make Me Regress

MS2BX is staying at our house this weekend while I travel to Colorado with my best friend. We are driving her grandmother out to stay with her family for a few weeks, hanging out with high school & college friends in Denver for a few days, and then flying home on Monday.

Since he is staying there for the first time since I found out he was still with her, I reminded him that I did not want her in our house.

His response?

“I don’t think you need to worry about that…she wouldn’t want to come here…not that I would want her to.”

Um, am I supposed to think more of her because she wouldn’t dream of coming into my home when she didn’t have an issue sleeping with my husband?

Or was he thinking I was going to think more of him because he is thoughtful enough to not bring her into our home?

Let me make it clear; it is not scoring either of them any bonus points in my book.

Inspiration

More Facebook finds.

Disclaimer: the person who has these in their profile didn't list the authors. So, should you know they should be attributed to please post a comment and I will update asap!

"Sometimes it takes a bad choice on someone else's part to make you realize they made the best decision for you."

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

“There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will. So don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason they didn’t make it to your future”

"As we grow up we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will, you'll have your heart broken probably more than once and it’s harder every time, you'll break hearts too so remember how it felt when yours was broken, you'll fight with your best friend, you'll blame a new love for things an old one did, you'll cry because time is passing too fast and you'll eventually lose someone you love. Just as we think things couldn't become more complicated they do. So take too many pictures, laugh too much and love like you've never been hurt because every minute you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."
“You can't change who people are without destroying who they were.”

Keeping up the Positive

MS2BX came over tonight to mow. I didn't know he was coming.

Rather that stew and fret about the fact he was outside I did something way more productive; I laced up my sneakers and went for a run. It wasn't a very good run as I haven't been very consistent. Plus there was the immense amount of fun I had over the 4th. But it was a run.

Going for a run is a positive thing. Its good for me not only physically but mentally as well. It also signals that I am getting stronger. Before this past weekend I would have hid somewhere in the house and cried.

But I am not going to do that anymore. I am going to focus on all the things I can do now.

It doesn't mean that I love him any less or that it doesn't still hurt and in someways if I could change everything I would...but it does mean that I have accepted it.

I know my life has changed.

What lies ahead is what I can make of it.

I will never again be in a relationship that doesn't love all parts of me; the girl from the acreage who is fine with cleaning stalls or meeting multi million dollar quotas. You can't compartmentalize yourself forever and I won't do it again.

A New Outlook

I headed to Clear Lake for the 4th of July expecting two things:

1. To drink a lot of beer
2. To spend time on a boat

What I didn't expect was to have an epiphany.

Last night as I sat in a boat (see expectation 2) , beer in hand (see expectation 1) watching fireworks with my childhood best friend I realized I am okay. In fact at that very moment I realized I was happy.

Happy.

I was doing things MS2BX would have never been up for; camping (in a camper, not in a tent - I am not that tough), boating and just simply hanging out.

Happy Independence Day.

Time for Me

The house is clean.

My bags are packed.

The cooler is stocked.

The furry kids have pet sitter arrangements.

I am off to the lake for what I hope to be a few days of fun with family and friends.

Dear Nail Salon Owner

Thank you for fixing my broken thumb nail today. I appreciate it very much.

I love the way you say my name as I enter your store like you are welcoming an old friend home when really you are just interested in my pocketbook. I love that my patronage is recognized and that I never have to wait for service.

But is it really necessary to ask me when my husband and I are going to have kids? Especially when my hand is in yours as you shape my nail back into the right shape. The hand that should have a ring on it but no longer does.

Perhaps being a little more observant might be a good idea.

Sincerely,

StartingOver@28

Another First

Tonight was the first time I have seen my in-laws since the day after the first time MS2BX told me he didn't really want that divorce after all, he just wanted more time.


They were very nicely watching my two dogs and cat while both myself and MS2BX are out of town . Somewhere along the way they forgot that I was going to be home tonight or MS2BX didn't give them my information as he was supposed to do. (hm...not doing something he was supposed to do. could be a pattern).


Granted my arrival was much later than anticipated...


I did my best to not break down but they didn't seem to be in a hurry to leave. That is when the tears started silently rolling down my face.


They never once asked how I was doing.


Why am I treated like I did something wrong? The only thing I am guilty of is loving their son. I wasn't the one who cheated. I wasn't the one who walked away.


I don't understand this at all.

Dear Southwest Airlines

Sending me from New Orleans to Orlando when I am trying to get to KC - MAKES NO SENSE.

Buy a map.

I was going from New Orleans to Dallas to KC. That makes some sense.

What you have done now?

NONE.

I am now arriving 4 hours later than I should have because of course the flight out of Orlando is delayed as well. Plus your gate agents were rude in New Orleans. Boo. AND this is two trips in a row that have been derailed....Remember my flight to Seattle that you canceled? Remember the bags you lost when I flew to Ontario?

Tell me what is going on...Are you trying to break up with me? Are you giving me the old "its me, not you" excuse? Has my faithfulness gone unnoticed (hello, I fly you enough to have a companion pass)? Have you grown tired of me and my efficient boarding prowess?

Sincerely,

A very tired and cranky me that just wants to go home.

The Last Weekend of June

It was the last weekend in June. The last weekend of the first half of the hardest year of my life.

For the first time in a long time I was actually looking forward to something. I was looking forward to seeing my friend H. I wrote about her a few weeks ago and how she is one of my favorite people.


She came in town for our sorority sisters baby shower. We spent Friday evening with two other girls (also sorority sisters) enjoying pizza and a few beers and just catching up and talking. It was so nice having her around. She is one of those people who listens. Really, really listens.


We talked about our lives now and where we want them to be and what we feared the most. We got out and walked in the hot and humid weather, enjoyed pedicures and spent time with our friends. It was exactly what I needed.

Its funny how in the last 10 years our talks have gone from who hooked up with whom, what house supposedly dirty rushed a prospective new member and upcoming dates parties to discussions about marriages, parental illness and our own plans for motherhood.

Its so nice to have a friend that you know no matter what will always be with you. Even if we have to drive 90 minutes to see each other!

I just hope that I can be half the friend to her that she is to me.

Inspiration

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
- Mark Twain

"Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve."
- Dr. Napoleon Hill

"Selfish isn't a dirty word. It means we take care of ourselves and are able to give back."
- Jillian Michaels


"If you want to know your future - look into your present actions."
- Buddhist saying

"The future belongs to those who beleive in the beauty of their dreams."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Well behaved women seldom make history."
- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
-which makes me wonder why I can't bring myself to do something outlandish...->

Personally a Good Day But a Bad Day in Pop Culture

I woke up this morning and worked out for the first time in the a.m. in over a week! I was pumped. I even managed to wake up before my alarm. The fact that I remained in bed watching TV until said alarm went off is besides the point.

The amazing thing? The euphoria of working out in the morning lasted throughout the day. I only had one minor crying spat as I was en route to the office when the country station I listen to played the first song we danced to at our wedding which was quickly cured by flipping to the local rap station. Because that is how I roll.

So it really is true. Exercise does wonders for the mind. But this does not mean I believe Scientology's claims to cure postpartum depression with diet and exercise (too bad I don't know how to embed Tom Cruise's interview with Matt Lauer where he calls Matt "glib").

But I was saddened to learn by the passing of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. My heart aches for their families as they deal with their expected and unexpected deaths.

As an aside, for those of you who think I should have a reality dating show - check out this guest post on The Everyday Adventures of Me. This is exactly why I could never be the next Bachelorette.

Today I Am Thankful

As I watch all of the tabloid coverage of the Jon & Kate + 8 split and reflect on other public relationships that face constant speculation and scrutiny (all the way back to the antics of JFK) I am thankful that I do not have to face the demise of marriage being front page news or water cooler fodder. I am thankful that I don't have to wake up to see Matt Lauer dissecting the end of my marriage or see magazine articles about who did what to whom.

Admittedly there is a tiny part of me that would like to scream from the rooftops about my what MS2BX did...I am thankful I can go through this in my own private way.

I can't imagine the pain for those public relationships that were fostered out of love to see the tabloid covers, the CNN Breaking News alerts or the Perez Hilton coverage. It would have to tear you apart. So even if I think the abundance of disposable income would be nice - I am thankful to be Charlotte Q. Citizen.

My Therapist Told Me To

I never thought I would have a therapist. I never thought I would write a post on this blog because he told me to.


But I do.


And he did.

He told me I needed to write about the man that I deserve to have in my life someday.

As I write this I am stamping my foot with my hands on my hips and pouty lips.

The man I deserve...


Is faithful, doesn't run away from a challenge and accepts me for who I am. He doesn't hide that he wishes for me to give up a life long passion. He finds my knowledge of celebrity gossip endearing and not irrelevant, my ability to recall the most minute details of the most inane events charming. He believes in me. He won't be afraid of my intelligence and will never compromise my beliefs. He won't let me down and would never walk away. He is a man that can hold a conversation with a farmer, a businessman, a little old lady at the grocery store or the neighbor next door without judgement. He is a man who is honest. Loving. A man that enjoys dinners together and knows that the unexpected, not the grand, small gestures are the most desired. A kiss on the check just because, a hug after a day at the office, laying on the couch all day while the rain falls outside. A man who never makes me doubt my own self worth and always does what he says. He doesn't lie and he doesn't cheat.



Because I am...

worth it.

I Agree with Kate Gosselin

I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to be a statistic.

I didn't plan for this and I am not entirely comfortable with this.

In fact, I don't want this at all. I would do anything to salvage my marriage. To have my husband come back. The man I saw a glimpse of this morning.

I stayed home from work because I wasn't feeling well. He came by to pick something up and realized I was ill. His voice was softer and he offered to run get me anything I needed from the store. I wanted to tell him the only thing I needed was him.

But I didn't.

I knew it wouldn't help. I knew it wouldn't make a difference.

But its so painful to get a glimpse of him, to hear him...it just makes me want our life back.

Everyday it gets harder to remember the good. To remember how it felt to have his arms around me or to even have him in the house. Sometimes it feels like it must not have ever been there...

Questions

My sister asked last week if there was anything she could do. I answered simply "find someone to buy my house so I can move." She then asked the question that everyone else is afraid to ask "you know that isn't going to fix anything, right?"

And I do.

I know moving won't fix my broken heart.

I know the pain will remain.

It won't evaporate just because I change venues. But I will be able to eat at restaurants that have nothing to do with him. I won't have to fear Target because I could run into him or his family. I will be able to have a drink with friends without the fear of seeing them together or seeing his friends. I won't have to have contact with him because there are joint bills to be paid.

I know nothing is going to make this better except for time. Time seems to be the only thing I have these days.

Days upon days of time.

Alone.

I Wish

I wish I could move on...

I wish I knew where my life was going to be in 5 years because everyone keeps saying "there are better things out there for you..." Really? How do you know?

I wish I knew what I did to deserve this pain...was it something in a past life? Karma?

I wish I knew that someone was going to hold me in the future and I would feel whole again.

I wish I knew what his family was thinking.

I wish I could have 5 minutes with her. To hear what she has to say. To know how she justifies sleeping with a married man.

No, I wish I had 5 minutes with her family...to tell them who she really is.

I wish I could have one more day with my nephews. Tell them I love them again and again. So many times they couldn't possibly forget me.

I wish I had been enough. I wish I had been someone worth fighting for...

Change

You text me and tell me you are home & mowing.
I wonder whose home? Ours? Do we have a home? Or do we have a house?

We meet to get a form notarized. The notary has no book. You say "this was such a bad idea."
I think "yes, you having an affair was a very bad idea."

You wordlessly walk into the house, collect your things and out again.
I wonder how our lives came to be this way?

You call.
I cringe.

You text.
I cringe.

Most of all I wonder if I ever knew you. Or were the last few years a dream? Did you ever really exist the way I remember? Why do I feel like I am trapped in a nightmare I can't wake up from?

I Have To Wonder

On that Wednesday, one week after I found out about the affair, a few days after we entertained my father and his wife pretending that everything was fine, when MS2Bx was traveling again on buisness...


I have to wonder when he called and said "I have been so excited to call you and tell you I love you. I have been counting down the minutes until I could call..."


I have to wonder if that conversation could have stayed centered around our love and if I could have resisted the questions swirling through my head, kept the conversation positive...


I have to wonder if we would have made it.


I have to wonder to because I blame myself for my questions. I blame myself for where we are today. Maybe if I had handled the aftermath better I would have my husband back instead of an empty bed and the ghost on my finger where my rings once sat.


I know these things are irrational. I know that I did nothing wrong. The only thing I am guilty of is loving someone who hurt me.


I wish I could see my life like the movie Sliding Doors. I wish someone could show me what my life would be like if he had stayed; would he have become a faithful, loving husband or would he have continued to hurt me in the years to come?

I miss him. Not the man he has become but the man he was. I miss him.

The Good In Life

Okay I admit that there is some good in my life even if I am for the most part choosing to wallow in my own self pity (cough, Holly, cough! ps - she has the cutest kids/husband/life).

So an overview of the good.

I have my health. That is the one that everyone starts with right? But you see in my family its something of a rarity. Just last year in the span of 4 months my mom had a heart attack and then a bout with diverticulitis. So the fact that for the most part I am in tip top shape is something to celebrate.

I have a job I enjoy that has an amazing perk attached that is a fabulous distraction for me on a regular basis.

My pets are amazing. I have 2 dogs and a cat you have heard about a couple of times. They bark, they shed, they keep me company. Plus they have proven that if they leave me...they come back.

Friends. I have a great support system of friends; those that I talk to daily and those I hadn't talked to in years. Yet, they have all come together and been there for me; phone calls, texts, sleepovers, cards and prayers. I couldn't ask for more.

My sister and my kind of sister. My two most favorite people in the world.

Books & Magazines. Seriously, I could do nothing but read for the next 3 weeks and still have material left over. I love reading so I assure you this is a positive.

My upcoming trip to Clear Lake for the 4th and the following long weekend in Colorado. Not a work trip for once! I am driving with my best friend so that her grandma can spend time with her family. Two things to look forward to, Nordstrom Rack and hiking at Breckenridge. Now if I can just find a way to get back here in the winter for snow skiing I will be a happy camper.

And yes, I may just to go to Hawaii for a friends wedding in September. I am just trying to prioritize this trip in with all of the things I have to think out in the near future; buying a new house means closing costs and down payments and the purchase of horse just means money down the drain.

But a week on the beach? That does sound nice. Very nice.

It Just Keeps Getting Harder

I wake up every day determined to have a good day. To get through the day without getting upset but everyday it seems to just get harder.

Today it started with MS2BX telling me that I had promised him he would be served last week and this was so disappointing that he was now going to be served by the sheriff and that it hadn’t happened yet.

My response?

I don’t want to fight with you. I don’t. But please do not try and guilt trip me about promises. You have broken every promise you ever made me including ones you made before God, our families and our friends. You have broken my heart and my spirit. You have put me through more pain and suffering than I thought humanely possible. This is an extremely difficult situation. I am doing my best to keep it moving and to handle all of the coordination. So if you being served gets delayed by a week I am really sorry. It’s not like I have a lot of experience in dealing with these things. I am doing my best.

After that pleasant interaction and a debate about whether or not the court had received our filing (they have but kicked it out for additional information and its been subsequently resubmitted) I was onto the next unpleasant task.

MS2BX and I have (had) 3 nephews. We had savings account for the youngest two as the oldest had special needs and there were too many complications in doing so. They were accounts that we put money into every month (small like $5) and then bigger deposits for Christmas, birthdays etc.

Our intent was to give them to each boy when they went to college so they had money to pay their fraternity dues or play with (read: spend on beer at the bar) or if they were too irresponsible we were going to hold onto it until they were engaged and planning a wedding or for when they bought a house and we would let them use it for furniture or something.

Today I made out checks to MS2BX’s sister, a former best friend and the mother of the 3 boys, and wrote a note reminding her of our intent. Just like that I wrote the checks that were my last tie to the boys that I love so much.

So it just sucks. Not only do I lose my husband but I lose my 3 nephews, 2 of which were my god sons and a best friend.

Inspiration

Warren Buffet has been quoted as saying:

"Be fearful when others are greedy, be greedy when others are fearful."

A line from One Tree Hill:

"Regret makes you old and bitterness poisons the ones around you."

A few years ago I had the dream workout partner. We worked together, used the same gym and both wanted to workout in the morning. Then she got married, pregnant and to the shelf I went. Boo. Kidding.

Well, she really did get married, have a baby and stop working out with me but I am more than happy for her. She and her husband are amazing parents and their baby is beyond darling.

On Thursday's we always went to yoga after work (even after completing a morning workout). The yoga instructor would end each class with a tiny piece of chocolate and an inspirational quote. I would give her my chocolate and she would give me her quote. A perfect match.

Fast forward a year and a half and she is back at the gym and I am working out at home. She went to yoga on Thursday and on Friday sitting on my desk was her saying:

"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Goals Results and New Ones Too

I set several small goals for the week and as I last week I was quite successful at accomplishing them.


I made 3 dinners; pork loin chops with seasoned red potatoes, enchilladas and last night I grilled a burger.


I worked out 3 times prior to work; one bike ride, one run and one bum workout.


Run 4 times or 10 miles. Oops. This is my only fail. I only ran 3 times. I just wasn't up for a run on Sunday.


Walk the dogs 3 times. Check. Not sure they are happy about it but we went!


Ride my bike for 30 minutes. Overachiever again! I total 38 minutes on the bike. Sadly the weather didn't cooperate for me to ride it to the pool but I rediscovered my love of biking. Can't wait to get in better biking shape.


Go to at least one social activity outside of my house. I am trying to get over being a hermit. I met a friend, the wife of MS2BX oldest friend for a movie and drinks. It was good to be out of the house and in the presence of someone I respect so much. I am relieved to know that our friendship will stay in tact.


Complete 2 full body workouts, an ab workout and a bum workout. Check, check, check, check! Oh my gosh Jillian Michaels 30 day shred....SO HARD and I am only on level 1. Eeek.


So this weeks goals are the all in 4's:

• Run 4 times


• Walk the dogs 4 times


• Cook real meals 4 times


• Workout 4 times

My Thought of the Day

I have decided getting old sucks. I feel like I am living in the made for TV version of that "you know you aren’t in college anymore" email.

Never Ceases to Amaze

Tonight when MS2BX called we started arguing. I finally snapped and said that I thought it was tactless that his girlfriend was flaunting their affair online.

I told him I saw the FB picture.

After we hung up he sent me an email telling me I shouldn't look at her pictures. Did we have any mutual friends or was I just intruding on her life in my spare time?

Um, she SLEPT with my husband. Who was protecting me??

Where did the man that I married go? Its really starting to seem like he never existed.

Why?

I don't know why I looked. I think I just knew and needed to see it.

I didn't really believe MS2BX when he said that they weren't together anymore. For whatever reason I looked her up on FB today and there they were.

A happy smiling couple.

Together.

Probably at a party that I would have attended.

It hurts. That is my life. That is my spot next to him. Its not hers.

I just need this house to sell. I need out of here.

Looks Can Be Deceiving

If you drove past my house today you would have seen a husband and wife doing yard work. The husband mowing the yard and the wife pulling weeds and trimming bushes.

You might think:

What a nice young couple hard at work on their home.

or simply

How cute.

But I was the wife in this picture thinking:

A year ago this was fun. We were happy.
Please go away.
I wish you would stay.
How could you?
I wish you would come home.
Leave. Just leave.

The Hangover

No, I don't have one. I am referring to the movie. Go see it.

Hilarious.

Wrong.

So, so perfect!

Favorites Approaching Downgrade

I love magazines.

I love Target.

Let's start with one of my favorite magazines, InStyle.

I received the new InStyle yesterday and was so excited to see on the cover "No-Cost Ways to Treat Yourself-You Deserve It!"

Wow. What an engaging article title.

I immediately abandoned by normal "must read from front to back in its entirety, no flipping to specific articles" reading strategy and headed straight for the motherland.

What did I find?

Hm...$14 foot scrub, recommendations to rent a convertible, an $81 bathroom "bliss set," a glow in the dark horse shoe set for $13, recipes for food I can't pronounce, $84 Lacoste sneakers...

Didn't the cover say "no cost?"

I mean yes...$14 foot scrub is cheaper than a pedi and these staycation ideas are cheaper than a week in Mexico but there is a cost. Let's not debate the whole opportunity cost concept we all learned in Econ 101 people. I am talking about dollars.

Here is to holding out hope that when I go back to my "must read from front to back in its entirety, no flipping to specific articles" reading strategy I find that its their copy editors fault for not catching the fact they sent to me to an article full of costly items.

Now onto my beloved Target. As anyone who knows me well is aware my biggest fear of moving back home is losing my beloved Super Target. Super Target can decorate a home, supply me with the latest fashions and put food on my table.

Today they robbed me.

Yes, I showed up 10 minutes before close and quickly grabbed 2 gallons of milk, a bottle of CoffeeMate creamer, Zone Bars and a huge bottle of Moscato.

I had a coupon for both gallons of milk and my CoffeeMate.

First it was oops! I didn't see you had a second coupon for your milk. Me, no problem. I will use it next time. I mean, hello? I drink 3 - 4 gallons of milk per week.

Then I get home and realize they charged me for 3 gallons of milk!

Shame Target. Shame.

Please don't make me downgrade you my beloveds. We have been through so much. Redeem yourselves.

Goals Update

I know, I know. I said I was going to talk about this on Sunday but this is my blog and as I am recently single, I answer to no one...so um, I can do what I please. To steal from a super cheesy song...Its my prerogative!

So! Because I have made loads of progress since setting my GOALS on Monday I just had to stop and brag about the positive in my life. Its easy to get weighed down by the negative so I am trying to recognize the positive as often as I can.

see italics for my progress thus far!

• Cook dinner 3 times. Real dinners. Not make your own pizza, microwave popcorn or mac & cheese. Real dinners. 66% effective! Last night I made pork loin chops with seasoned red potatoes and tonight I made enchiladas!
• Workout 2 mornings prior to work. 100% effective! Tuesday I biked prior to work and Wednesday I did the Gunnar Peterson Butt workout.
• Run 4 times or 10 total miles. 25% effective. 1 run for 2.0 miles thus far. More to come!
• Walk the dogs 3 times. 33% effective.
• Ride my bike for a total of 30 minutes. 100+% effective! So far I have totaled 38.5 minutes on my bike and I am not done yet! I forgot just how much I love riding a bike. But man am I out of biking shape!
• Go to at least one social activity that does not occur at my house. This is on the calendar for tomorrow. Going to see The Hangover with a friend.
• Complete 2 full body workouts, an ab workout and a bum workout. 75% effective. I have completed 1 full body workout, an ab workout and a bum workout. Just one full body left to go!

I have been so much more motivated to get things done because I felt that this little blog was holding me accountable. So thank you those of you that read this. You are keeping me going!

A Tip

To MS2BX:

Please don't ask me how to add and delete photos off the digital photo frame that I bought you 2 years ago for Valentine's Day. She may not be that smart but I know it means 2 things:

1. You are deleting the photos of me
2. You are adding photos of her

Inspiration

• An amazing friend/single mother/blogger sent me this:

we're just ordinary people trying to get through extraordinary times

except we're a little smarter and better looking...


but otherwise, you know...

• Saw this Facebook status update and thought...how true!

early to bed, early to rise makes one healthy, wealthy and wise...

• Finally, one of my dearest friends who has been such a fabulous support system even while several hundred miles away sent me this because she thought I would like it. She was right. She is just one of those people that if I could build a compound (ahem, Panhellenic) for us to live in she would be my suitemate!

The italic comments are mine.

Regina Brett's 45 life lessons and 5 to grow on
Posted by Regina Brett on September 20, 2007

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. (maybe I have been practicing this without realizing it??)
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month. (seriously people!)
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. (phew!)
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. (re-read #5 people)
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. (again, phew)
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying. (I'm trying. See Goals).
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write. (maybe that is what I am doing here...)
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. (couldn't I have a fast forward button just this once? pretty please?)
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone elses, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come. (again with the fast forward request. or how about a trailer? I love movies especially seeing the trailers at the beginning...how about a trailer showing me what is in store?)
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Leave it to the Twilight Series

Below is a passage from Stephanie Meyer's New Moon. This is the first thing I have read that has so perfectly described how I feel. Of course what scares me the most is that I may feel this way forever...

How could I explain so that he would understand? I was an empty shell. Like a vacant house - condemned- for months I'd been utterly uninhabitable. Now I was a little improved. The front room was in better repair. But that was all-just the one small piece. He deserved better than that-better than a one-room, falling-down fixer-upper. No amount of investment on his part could put me back in working order.

Goals

Getting back to being me is proving to be more difficult than I thought.

I think its because I just want to do those things but I haven't had a clear plan of action. I wanted to do it by taking small steps but I wasn't defining what those small steps were to be.

I have always been a person who was motivated by goals. Small steps are just micro goals.

Of course it takes me until now to actually get it done. Its progress people. Slow and steady.

So...here are this weeks goals.

• Cook dinner 3 times. Real dinners. Not make your own pizza, microwave popcorn or mac & cheese. Real dinners.
• Workout 2 mornings prior to work.
• Run 4 times or 10 total miles.
• Walk the dogs 3 times.
• Ride my bike for a total of 30 minutes.
• Go to at least one social activity that does not occur at my house.
• Complete 2 full body workouts, an ab workout and a bum workout.

Check back on Sunday for my results!

You Can Go Home Again

I find peace at home. Not in my house that is my current home, that I thought I would live in for years with my loving husband, but home.

Home.

Where I was born. The state I resided for the first 12 years of my life. The place that I have always called home, been quick to tell people that while I live here I am from there.

This past weekend I went home for a horse show and an annual festival. There were good horses, bands, bingo, a parade (that lacked floats!), beer gardens and good people.

It felt good to be home. It felt peaceful. I felt whole.

I can't wait to go home again.

Definition of Heartbreaking

Finding emails from MS2BX telling me how much he loves me, looking at the date and realzing it was during his affair with her. Or seeing an email from after he asked for the divorce for the second time telling me that he loves me.

Happy Monday.

A Very Tough Day

I didn't sleep at all last night.

I tossed and turned until midnight. Started reading my latest book. Yes, I have succumb to the Twilight craze. But then I woke up every hour on the hour until it was finally time to get up.

I showered, fed the dogs, dressed and drove to my attorneys. I cried the whole way there. I was able to compose myself enough to sign the paper, the paper that officially starts the end in motion, and walk out without letting anyone see me cry.

Once I was in my car it was a different story.

Every ounce of hurt I have felt thus far came right to the surface and I cried and cried. I cried until I wailed in my car, I cried silently at my desk at work.

I cried.

I don't understand how this happened. I don't know why this is my life. I hate the injustice of me filing for a divorce that I don't want.

I wanted to get through this. I wanted to spend months in counseling if necessary. I wanted this to work. I did not want to file for divorce.

I don't know how he can think that he tried and I don't understand why I wasn't worth fighting for.

I don't know that I am ever going to understand these things and I am confident that I am never going to get answers to my questions. But it doesn't make it any less painful.

The thing that I hate the most is the person I have become; the person who can't move on, who is consumed by the loss. I hate that. It isn't me. I have always been able to move on. To just readjust my life. Focus on the future.

I hate what he has reduced me too.

Things I Hate

I hate that you come over unannounced and just walk in the front door.
I hate that I can't bring myself to tell you to call first because this is your house too.
I hate that I can't look at you, allow myself to see you, because I know that I will breakdown.
I hate that I was wearing pajama pants and a tank with my hair pulled up.
I hate that I was watching the Hills.
I hate that you want me to tell you that the house looks good. It looks the same as when I left it after I cleaned it.
I hate that when you leave I do breakdown because I miss you with every fiber of my being.
I hate that the one thing I want more than anything is a hug.
I hate that my best friend is gone.
I hate that I can't just hate you for what you have done to us, what you have done to me.
I hate that tomorrow it becomes really real; the motion for divorce will be filed.

Seattle

Growing up showing horses allowed me the luxury of travel. Mainly throughout the midwest. Now in my adult life I travel for work and get to see the entire country, visit cities I wouldn't have the opportunity to see on my own.

This marks my 3rd trip to Seattle but its the first time I really saw the city. It makes me want to come back and visit again. Take time to do more of the touristy things.

We arrived on Sunday after our canceled flight. Luckily Southwest re-booked my coworker and I on the next flight. Even with this hiccup we only arrived an hour late. Not bad!

We immediately joined our industry friends for Sunday brunch at the Space Needle. Amazing views, great food, great conversation. A great start to our trip.

But of course there was work to do and off to the trade show we went. Followed by dinner at Etta's and drinks at the Whiskey Bar.

Whisky Bar is my kind of place. It is not my own personal version of hell like Cielo in NYC. It is obviously a locals hangout populated by regulars. So much so that when the band got ready to play, spotted our group and quickly exclaimed "Hey! You are new! What brings you here?"

Monday was more work, the movie Up! (cute but a little sad), more work and a Mariners game. It was a great day for baseball. The roof was open, the beer was cold and the peanuts were salty.

More work today and another movie, Terminator Salvation. While I have enjoyed my trip, I am ready to come home. I miss my furry kids!

Inspiration

No quotes this week. Just a few lines from a movie.

Earlier this week I watched Under the Tuscan Sun and what resonated with me the most was this exchange between Diane Lane's character and her Italian realtor:


Frances: Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. (at times I have and still do feel as though this experience is killing me) When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know. (bingo) The light just never went on, you know. I must have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid.
Martini: No, it's not stupid, Signora Mayes. L'amore e cieco.
Frances: Oh, love is blind. Yeah, we have that saying too.
Martini: Everybody has that saying because it's true everywhere.

So you might think that this is an odd exchange to choose for inspiration but if that character can find happiness via a talented script writer and a multi million dollar budget to produce the movie then I know I can too.

Yes, what you are reading is sarcasm. I just liked the realness of what the character says.

It resonated with me.

I have racked my brain trying to pinpoint the moment when it all went wrong. Even when he told me his moment I still look back and can't see it because he was still my loving husband. Because he never told me what he felt and surely the person that promises to be with you for the rest of your life would come to you with those things.

But they don't.

And I am not dead which means I have to just keep livin*

(*bonus points if you know what movie that is from, double bonus points if you know who has a production company by the same name)

A Better Day

Reading back through my posts these past few days I realize I sound a lot like Debbie Downer.

So, to prove I am not one step closer to the cliff I thought I would tell you about my wonderfully relaxing day complete with an emphasis on the positive (+) moments and acknowledging the bad (-).

I slept (+) in (+).

I went for a run (+) but it took me 23 minutes and 45 seconds to run 2.13 miles (-).

I completed the Gunnar Peterson Accelerated Core Training workout (+).

I went to the pool (+) but I drove there (-). I hate that I live about a quarter mile from my pool and I drove. Its lazy and not very green. Now, I am not some obsessive environmentalist (I drive an SUV and probably always will) but I like to consider myself green-lite (CFL's, reusable bags, programmable thermostat, unplugging unused appliances and recycling are my thing). So why did I drive? I left the dogs out and would need to go home about every hour to let them outside (they aren't very trustworthy). Plus it gave me time to pull weeds (+) from the landscaping. But I thought of a solution...I just need to get a bike lock and ride my bike to the pool! So that is on the list for next week!

I cleaned (+) and vacuumed the upstairs (+).

I went outside to get the mail and had my soon-to-be-ex-in laws drive by and give me a nod (-). Reminder, your son was the cheating ba$tard. Not me. He left me. I wanted to make it work. I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are so ashamed of his actions and that is why you don't reach out to me. Oh and all the mail was for MS2BX (-). I was hoping for new magazines for my trip tomorrow.

I got my eyebrows waxed (+) and my nails done (+). The nail salon owner told me I looked pretty (+) but I could tell in her voice she was surprised (-). Boo.

I cleaned the main level of the house (+) and even mopped the hardwoods (+).

I decided not to go to a friends BBQ (-), stay in and watch DVR (+), pack for tomorrows work trip and try and get a good nights sleep (+).

Sadly, while going through my jewelry box looking for earrings to pack I came across my charm bracelet that MS2BX gave me as a wedding present (-). Just one more thing to put away...

The total count is 15 (+) and 7 (-). Last I check 15 was greater than 7 so that makes today a good day.

My Car Hates Me

Tonight, on my way home from the movies with Mrs.S, my car kept switching to AM stations.

MS2BX was always changing the radio to AM stations.

I love my car. Why is it fighting me?

Um, yeah

MS2BX, um, earth to you buddy.

The county in which the attorney hangs his shingle does not matter.

Fact: I chose an attorney in our neighboring state. Its pretty common here in these border cities but um, yeah...I made sure he was licensed to practice law in our state.

That means he passed the same bar exam as this mythical lawyer who practices in our county of residence that you think I should have selected.

Remember? They take state bar exams. Not county...

Just an FYI. I mean, you think I should have selected an attorney within our county and I think you should have stayed faithful. Guess we will have to call this one a draw.

My New Habit

I can't sleep. I worry about everything and can't relax.


Am I ever going to get through this?

What could I have done to prevent this? Or was it inevitable?

Will I ever be happy again?

How can no one in his family care enough about me to check on me?


I put myself to bed tonight at 9 p.m. determined to have a good Friday that would start with an early morning workout. I read my book, turned off the lights and...nothing.
I always fall asleep fast. More and more I can't.


I tossed and turned. So I read again.


Then my book ended.


It was a good book but all I could think was how many more I needed to read. My friend challenged me to read 50 books this year and this was only number seven. Its almost June. I should be at 25. I can't fail at this too.


I tried focusing on the positive. How on Wednesday night I had dinner with one of my all time favorite people. She was in town for a training session and I was so glad I got to see her. We laughed. We cried. We ate a lot!


She is one of those people that I know without a doubt will always be my friend. It doesn't matter if we go a month or two without talking, not for any other reason than life getting in the way, we always pick up as if it were yesterday.


I think it was one of our first meetings in college. Our pledge class seemed to pair up and I remember her looking at me and saying "I guess we are going to have to be friends."


She has had her own struggles. So much of how we grew up was so drastically different yet so strikingly similar.


In the midst of her "this adult life thing is for the birds" set of problems she thought of me. She brought me a book of Novenas. One given to her by her mother-in-law and another by a mutual friend whom I am going to dinner and a movie with on Friday.


It is a perfect gift.


A perfect gift because this entire situation has made me question my faith in God and my faith in the Catholic church. I am not someone you would describe as incredibly religious and for that I feel guilty.

That makes me the perfect Catholic.

But I have always had faith.

But I think this was a sign to not lose faith. To not give up hope.


Now I will try and sleep again.

Needing Direction

Today was one of those days when I just couldn't focus. I have been traveling a lot for work and really just need 2 weeks in the office so that I can feel on top of things. I just can't seem to function optimally so things that normally take me two seconds take longer.

I hate that. That isn't me.

The whole time I am at work I am thinking about crap I need to do for the divorce; separating bank accounts, getting new credit cards, talking to the lawyer..gee, I wonder why I can't focus at work.

Then when I get home I just think about work and can't seem to focus on the personal stuff.

Ugh. Vicious cycle.

I was so frustrated on my way home that I started crying. I hate not knowing where my life is going and I hate that I can't make plans to move forward because I can't do anything until my house sells.

But yet, I don't want my house to sell. It is my home.

I need a goal. I need something to focus on. Something to work towards.

Why?

Why does my poor cat, who finally came home after 2 weeks, now have conjuctivitis? And need a topical cream applied to his eyes twice a day for the next 7 days?

Why do the dogs decide they need to go outside after I have my pj's on, the alarm set, curled up in my bed ready to fall asleep?

Getting Back to Me

There are lots of things about me I haven't been able to bring myself to do recently. There are some things about me that were put on a shelf as I built a life with MS2BX.

I grew up showing horses. I had a horse when we met. She wasn't a good fit and she went back to the prior owner. I fully intended to find a more suitable match. Its been six years since I showed.

We fell in love and first there was a house to buy, then a wedding to plan, then a second house that was larger than the first and needed more furniture.

There always seemed to be something more important than me getting a horse again.

I used to love working out and making dinner. It was part of what I (we) did. I had a routine; I worked out, went to do work, made dinner for us, hung out with my husband - generally watching some TV show that we both enjoyed, watched GH at 9 p.m. and went to bed.

But since February I haven't worked out. I haven't made dinner.

So I am trying to employ the kaizen theory and make small changes; I am trying to get some form of physical exercise on a daily basis and am planning to cook meals for myself again. Starting with the things I can incorporate quickly and easily.

The physical exercise is starting to go well. I have worked out 5 of the last 7 days.

As far as cooking dinner, well, not so much. Tonight I had microwave popcorn while searching for divine inspiration in the form of a movie - Under the Tuscan Sun.

The movie was good and it reaffirmed my desire to do certain things in life. I want to see Italy though I will probably resist buying a broken down villa a la Diane Lane's character. But a cute house in the country? Count me in. I want to see Greece, go water skiing this summer, snow skiing and deer hunting in the winter...I want to buy a horse and start showing again.

These are things I want to do. These are things I haven't been able to do because before I had someone else to think about; what they wanted, what they liked. I focused on our goals and put our needs and wants ahead of mine.

But I can do these things now because I only have to answer to myself. Or at least I will be able to once the divorce is final.

What a Difference a Year Makes

My therapist said that this was going to be the year of firsts and so far there have been many.

A dating anniversary spent apart.
The first Easter apart.
First Memorial Weekend apart.

This weekend was probably the toughest thus far.

A year ago we were at the Lake with his friends. A weekend organized by one of my favorite couples. By New Year's they had split. I remember feeling so bad and commenting to MS2BX that you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Sometimes you don't even when you are in the marriage. It was such a fun weekend last year.

This year was just me.

I got home from LA on Friday and got settled back in. Saturday was a massage and lunch with one of my favorite friends followed by pool time and grilling out with my best friend. There were beers consumed of course! Sunday was the day of over committing myself. I spent several hours at the pool with my best friend and then we headed to a BBQ in an eastern burb, a BBQ in a middle ground burb and then I headed back north to drinks on the deck of friends near my house.

I felt obligated to go out. To prove that I am doing okay. That I am not just home crying in the corner even though I am more often than not.

But today was my day. I slept in, fed the dogs, cleaned my room, put fresh sheets on, worked out, walked the dogs, watched the 90210 marathon and finally watched the 24 finale. It was so nice to just veg. To hole up in my home.

I don't know how much longer this will be my home so I want to be here as much as possible.

The Advice I Didn't Take

When I first learned about this entire debacle and my husband was sitting on the fence of giving up vs. fighting for our marriage my sister kept telling me I should make it public.

Tell his parents.
Tell his friends.

She said making it public would make it real. It would hold him accountable for his actions. Keeping it between my husband and I would do the opposite, keep it hidden. Make it okay.

Tonight I finally saw what she meant.

The other night I was worried because I heard from the wife of his childhood best friend. His oldest friend. She wanted to know how I was doing. I was afraid of putting her in the middle.

No matter what, I didn't want him to lose friends (rationale me knows how absurd this statement is) and I know that when people learn the real story they will think differently of him.

But now I know what my sister meant. We kept it between us and that made his irrational decisions okay. It didn't allow for others to tell him to make a mistake.

Those that he chose to confess in? They weren't marriage proponents. Either they were unhappily married or had never been married. They told him it wasn't a big deal to walk away. Some are lawyers and gave him legal advice on how to make it easier. They all encouraged him to walk away. No one told him to fight for his marriage.

During one of my most desperate moments I asked him to call a friend from college who is happily married and get his perspective. He refused. I told him to pretend that this friend was in our scenario; what advice would he give him? He refused to even entertain this scenario.

Why I didn't think to reach out to his oldest friend I don't know. I mean, we spent a lot of time with them, we vacationed with them.

Tonight Molly called. All she knew was that we were getting a divorce and that I was the one filing. I told her everything from start to finish. I cried. She cried.

When we got off the phone it was like everything was new again. The hurt, pain, desire for him to come back. All of it.

Then something happened that I didn't expect. The childhood/oldest friend (Molly's husband) called. He told me he was sorry, that he would do anything he could to help. That in all of his recent interaction with MS2BX he was aloof, distant. That he was willing to give him a piece of his mind whether I wanted him to or not. That no matter what he and his wife would be there for me.

For the first time in this entire debacle someone from MS2BX side of things was willing to stand up for me.

The worst part; what if I had reached out to them earlier? What if I had clued them in from the beginning?

Inspiration

I love quotes. Quotes and lists are some of my favorite things. One of my favorite features at FitSugar is their "Words That Move You" posts and a couple weeks ago I posted a collection of my favorite things to remember and something else to remember.


As I find words that inspire and speak to me I will post them here.


So. Drumroll.....


"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with the first step." Lao Tzu


"To be really great in little things, to be truly noble and heroic in the insipid details of everyday life, is a virtrue so rare as to be worthy of canonization." Harriet Beecher Stowe


"If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living." Anatole France