I can't sleep. I worry about everything and can't relax.
Am I ever going to get through this?
What could I have done to prevent this? Or was it inevitable?
Will I ever be happy again?
How can no one in his family care enough about me to check on me?
I put myself to bed tonight at 9 p.m. determined to have a good Friday that would start with an early morning workout. I read my book, turned off the lights and...nothing.
I always fall asleep fast. More and more I can't.
I tossed and turned. So I read again.
Then my book ended.
It was a good book but all I could think was how many more I needed to read. My friend challenged me to read 50 books this year and this was only number seven. Its almost June. I should be at 25. I can't fail at this too.
I tried focusing on the positive. How on Wednesday night I had dinner with one of my all time favorite people. She was in town for a training session and I was so glad I got to see her. We laughed. We cried. We ate a lot!
She is one of those people that I know without a doubt will always be my friend. It doesn't matter if we go a month or two without talking, not for any other reason than life getting in the way, we always pick up as if it were yesterday.
I think it was one of our first meetings in college. Our pledge class seemed to pair up and I remember her looking at me and saying "I guess we are going to have to be friends."
She has had her own struggles. So much of how we grew up was so drastically different yet so strikingly similar.
In the midst of her "this adult life thing is for the birds" set of problems she thought of me. She brought me a book of Novenas. One given to her by her mother-in-law and another by a mutual friend whom I am going to dinner and a movie with on Friday.
It is a perfect gift.
A perfect gift because this entire situation has made me question my faith in God and my faith in the Catholic church. I am not someone you would describe as incredibly religious and for that I feel guilty.
That makes me the perfect Catholic.
But I have always had faith.
But I think this was a sign to not lose faith. To not give up hope.
Now I will try and sleep again.