Sunday, May 17, 2009

What Not to Say to Someone Going Through a Divorce

I am so thankful for everyone that has rallied around me because I have needed it more than ever before. At times though, with the best of intentions, my family and friends have made it worse. Their attempts to make me feel better resulted in words that hurt me.

  1. "Your divorce will be simple because you don't have children." Maybe it makes for an easy settlement but there is nothing simple about getting a divorce. I love my husband and he left me. Children do not validate a marriage in my book and not having children doesn't make my commitment to him any less real and it doesn't make the dreams of a life together go away. So logistics may be simple but the recovery is not.
  2. "You deserve better." Did you think I deserved better before this came to light?
  3. "There is someone better out there for you." Well, I have pretty much lost all faith in humanity and all I want is him back. Don't tell me there is someone better. If I thought there was someone better I wouldn't have married him in the first place.
  4. "Everything happens for a reason." Generally I am a person that believes in this phrase wholeheartedly. BUT. When your life has shattered all around you, this is not a comforting phrase. It makes you wonder what you did to deserve this. It makes you wonder why on earth you need to experience something so horrendous just to find your reason why.
  5. "I'm not surprised." Awesome. So the whole time you were just waiting for this to happen?
The people who said "I have no idea what to say" or "I wish there was something I could say to make this better for you" hit it spot on. There really isn't anything you can say. The best thing to do is just be there. That is what I needed. I needed people to just be there; sit with me, distract me, entertain me, talk to me, text me or just listen to me cry....
Sadly there is no right thing to say. If there was I would have found the right thing to say to make him see that leaving wasn't the answer.

1 comment:

  1. OMG who would say "I'm not surprised??" That is shocking and so hurtful. Totally uncalled for. I'm sorry people have said this stuff to you, it's a tough spot to be helpful but not make you feel worse.