Monday, August 31, 2009

Another Goodbye

He made me laugh.

He made me smile.

He made me believe in life again.

There will be no happily ever after for us but for those three things I will always be thankful.

We will always have picnic benches, parking lots, cops in church parking lots, three hour phone conversations and more texts than I thought possible to send.

Hope you find your happiness. I believe I will find mine someday.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Last Night

So MS2BX is being a complete a$$ about the fact that we don’t have a court date. Which to answer the question of why don’t we, here is the latest update from the attorney.

Spoke with Judges Assistant (JA) again. Judge still has not ok'd order. I explained that my client would like to get this done quickly but JA said judge is swamped and for me to call back tomorrow. I stated that I submitted the requested changes so this should not be an issue and a hearing should be set. JA said judges policy is to not set hearing until she oks order. Sorry I wish I could get judge to move faster but my hands are tied.

So it was all I could do not to have a breakdown in the Vegas airport waiting to fly home (stupid layovers) last night. So I get home and I just want to let the dogs out and go to bed. Too bad MS2BX hadn’t let them out since early morning (its now 12:30 a.m.) and they have used their kennels as a bathroom and its all over themselves, their kennels and on the carpet.


SO I let them out and started cleaning everything up (after sending MS2BX a terse email). Let them back in, get them water, still cleaning.

They use the house for a toilet.

One of them throws up in my room.

I am so frustrated.

I finally get everything cleaned up and we go to bed. I set the alarm.

Dogs want to go outside.

Obviously they have had a bad day and I am going to comply. Try to turn off alarm and the remote tells me its batteries are low and it won’t un-guard.

Finally after a million attempts I get it to undo. And it proceeds to beep at me every few minutes which makes me feel like someone is in the house. Can’t get it open to change the batteries…

I just wanted to cry, scream, something. But I was just spent. Ugh.

So today my ever patient boss helped me get the remote open and hopefully tonight I can sleep in peace.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Please Let Me Be

I let you go when you asked.

Just give me some peace.

I don't know why there have been delays.

Stop harassing me.

Stop contacting me.

Remember I have never lied to you.

You created this mess.

I just want you gone.

I want to start my life again.

I want the divorce to be final.

I want the house to sell so that I no longer have to have contact with you.

I want to start again.

Away from you.

I want to go home.

Please give me peace.

Please leave me be.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Vacation Fail

While my vacation to my home was one of the best times I have had since the 4th of July I have one major failure to report.

I gained 4 lbs.


I think my sister sabotaged me.

You see we are engaged in yet another health contest where the winner gets a massage & facial or their choice of a iPod Touch or Flip video camera...

She wants to win. And she is playing dirty.

Careful What You Wish For

My sister pointed out last week that when the divorce proceedings began I was frustrated that it was so easy and would be final so fast. Now I am frustrated because for whatever reason my judge hasn't assigned a court date.

Be careful what you wish for...sometimes you get it!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Today Is My 4th Wedding Anniversary

Four years ago I thought I married the man of my dreams.

Now I know that I didn't.

But instead of focusing today on what I lost, I am focusing on what I have found.

I have found my strength again. I know now that I won't ever be with someone who doesn't love all of me.

I have found someone who despite our distance texts me good night and good morning, wishes me a good day, sets his alarm to wish me luck on a meaningless 5k race, who memorizes my birthday without me ever telling it to him... Someone who calls to tell me that I am on his mind. That he can't wait to see me. Who makes me smile bigger and laugh harder than anyone ever has.

So today I acknowledge the loss of one life and am happily moving forward as I am StartingOver@28.

PS - dear judge, please don't delay the divorce any longer. please set the court date on monday. I just want it over. thanks.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Why You Are Not Supposed to Lie to Your Mother

Because even when you are 28 she still waits up for you...

On Sunday my sister called to let me know that she had been part of a bit of a disaster. She sounded shook and my sister is always the calm, cool and collected one. There had been a hail storm so severe that her car was ruined, so was the horse trailer, almost all the windows on the house were gone, the roof was beyond repair and there was damage to both barns. But she and her husband, the dogs and the horses were all safe.

I asked if she wanted me to come home. She didn't say yes but she didn't say no.

I finished getting ready for the open house, made pet sitting arrangements, loaded the car & headed north. I text her to let her know I was on my way. She called and said not to come, to turn around.

So I did. But I was thinking, no just keep driving. But in general I always do what she tells me to.

About 20 minutes later she calls back and asks if she is in trouble if she changed her mind. I said of course not and headed back out.

When I arrived and assessed the damage, and wow is there a lot of damage, I asked if she had told mom since I would need to stay with her that evening. She hadn't but went ahead and made the call.

I only heard the first part of the call. Just enough to hear her say "She is coming up."

Not that I was already there and within 5 feet of her. That I was "coming up."

Thus began the lie.

After my sisters call ends my phone rings, mom of course. I let it go to voicemail. She wants to know where I am and when I will be there.

I wait until my sister, her husband and I are headed to their friends* house for a fish fry (because then its authentic with the driving a car sound) for all those who helped with the damage. She wants to know where I am. I say south of Bethany. This buys me an hour and a half. She says she is going to drive to my sisters to see the damage.

Um, what???

You see, if I am an hour and half south of Bethany....what will mom think when she sees my car sitting outside?

So we drop my brother in law off at the friends house, race back to put my car in the shop. And the garage door of the shop won't close.

Hi? Karma much?

So instead we drive my vehicle back to the fish fry...

She calls again to say that I am headed for bad weather, I say that I will pull off if I have to. I call again to let her know I am now within 30 miles (after starting my car and turning on the radio naturally). That I am going to pick up my sisters dog and go to the fish fry. I will be at her house after a while, don't wait up.

In the end, she never drove up to my sisters house.

All that running around and hiding the car to protect the lie and she never showed up.

So later when I stayed out even later with the boy who makes me smile and laugh and my mom asked where I was I told the truth.

I was at my sisters.

I just didn't bother to point out that I had left 3 hours prior.

*side note: my sister and her husband have the most amazing friends. You would not believe how many people who showed up to help them board windows and stop further damage from happening. Plus they all showed up with beer. What more could you ask for?

Thursday, August 6, 2009


Dear MS2BX,

I don't know when we go to court. I promise you that when I do know you will be the first person I tell. Texting me, calling me, texting again....let me repeat.


You know what I know.

You will know when I know.

My lawyer will know when the judge tells him, he will tell me, I will tell you. But right now...




Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Taking Charge

When I found out about MS2BX affair I made us an appointment with a therapist and even after he left I continued to see the therapist.

A lot of the time I cried.

I said the things that it took me a while to admit here.

But last month I didn't feel like going so I rescheduled for August.

Today I called and canceled.

I am taking charge. I am getting me back. I am going at it on my own again.

I am going to be okay.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Moving Forward

Proceeding cautiously, optimistically forward...laughing and smiling, yet petrified all the way.

Little things like asking how my day went or calling to say good night.

Just trying to enjoy the little things...