Wednesday, April 15, 2009

How My Life Unraveled

I went from being the happiest person in the world to miserable in the opening of one letter. The funny thing is...I was the person you loved to hate. A beautiful home, a gorgeous husband and a great job. Then I came home on February 11th from a business trip and learned that it was a lie. Or at least the last 6 months had been. And I was devastated. So that adage about not knowing what goes on behind closed doors? Turns out I didn't know either.

Someone, either a kind stranger with my best interest at heart or my husbands frustrated mistress, decided to mail me a letter letting me know my husband was having an affair and had been for a while. What a great way to find out. I called 'my husband. The same man who had left me a message earlier about how excited he was to see me the next day, that he was sorry we hadn't been able to talk much the day before. And. He didn't deny it.

In a second his voice turned cold. He confirmed it. Said he loved her. Said he had been unhappy for awhile. He wanted children. I didn't. He just decided to check out. It was easier. He had intense feelings for her and had before he met me.
I went into shock. Total complete shock.

This was my husband. The man that I had placed all of my faith in. Trusted. Loved.

A cheat. A liar. My life was a complete fallacy.

I was a joke.

I told him that had he ever told me how he felt, just confided in me, his wife, that I would have chosen him. That I would have been willing to give him what he wanted regardless of my hopes and dreams.

The next 48 hours were the toughest I had experienced in my life. Now I know that they had nothing on what lied ahead.

We decided to try and save our marriage. That our love meant more to us than a stupid misguided affair. He agreed to end it and go to counseling. We made it through the weekend complete with visiting in-laws. We clung to each other. We cried.

The following week brought another business trip. The distance made it hard. We started counseling. There were lots of tears. We made it through the weekend and another counseling session. Then he couldn't take it anymore. He moved out on Saturday.

We didn't see each other until counseling on Tuesday. On Thursday he came back to the house and didn't leave until the following week when he said he wanted a divorce. That he didn't want to work it out. That the effort he put forth was a lie.

I called him every name in the book. All the ones that are censor appropriate and even a coward. I told him he would regret it one day. That he would realize this had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. That he was punishing me for his guilt. That he would be guilty, feel guilty, with or without me. That wouldn't change.

I went away for the weekend. We didn't speak until Sunday. We were to gather to discuss how to split things up, how to end a life we had worked so hard to put together.

When he walked in something seemed off. He kept trying to say something but couldn't, wouldn't. Finally he did and it wasn't anything I expected.

"I think I made a mistake."

Um, como say what?

"I think I made a mistake."

I asked if he was trying to hurt me. If this was a joke. He said no, that he realized the guilt wasn't going anywhere and he wasn't sure about his decision. That he needed more time. That he loved me. He hugged me and said we could still have the life we always wanted. He said when this was over we should take a vacation to start our life again.

I asked what he wanted and he said some time to get his head on straight. We agreed to talk on Wednesday when he got back in town.

So we did. He called to say he was going to counseling. On Thursday he stopped by the house. I was so excited thinking he stopped to see me. Then I was crushed to realize that he was only stopping by to get another outfit. Tonight when we talked he said he needed to come by for more clothes.

At no point has he wanted to see me. How can I love someone so much who continues to hurt me. Who has essentially ended our marriage three times in forty days. Why am I sitting here waiting for him to love me again when all he is going to do is cause me more pain.

How can you tell someone you want a divorce, change your mind and then make no effort to see them? When did I become this weak person who would tolerate it. Why am I stuck in limbo?

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