Thursday, April 30, 2009


I am scared for tomorrow. When I was in high school I wrote what I thought was a beautifully arranged poem of sorts...

I wonder about tomorrow and what the day will bring...
Will it be joyful as the early morning sunrise?
Or sad like yesterdays broken dreams?

Now I think I was just predicting the future failure of my marriage. The one thing that I was proudest of in my life. Not the fact that I was the first person in my family to graduate from college, or the fact that I have my marriage. That is what I was most proud of. Pathetic.

So tomorrow I meet with a lawyer to begin formally dividing a life that I don't want to end. A life I still so desperately want to save.

But those are just yesterdays broken dreams.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Frustration Continues to Mount

If you truly look at what has transpired in what is now the last 8 months – its almost comical. Its comical in the sense that I keep trying and no matter what I do its not enough for you. I'm like the clown that can't open the door even though its unlocked. Its as comical as you still wearing your ring when you are the one that wants a divorce. Comical like you worrying about what people will think of you when you are the one that left me. Shouldn't you have worried about that before you had an affair?

When you decided you wanted children you didn’t tell me. Instead you hooked up with someone you had “intense feelings for” before you met me. But you didn’t come to me. You told two of your friends that you were unhappy with me because you wanted children but you didn’t tell me. You didn’t tell the person that you routinely told you loved more than anything, that you promised to be with forever…

When you finally did, when you finally told me you wanted children, I agreed. I agreed and was supportive of having a child. Yes, I wanted to buy a horse this summer and wait to get pregnant until next spring but I posed that as a solution and you agreed to it. You never once told me that you were not okay with my proposition. You told me it made you happy. But now I know you lied. I just don’t know why.

After we came to this agreement you launched your full blow affair. You called her 1 day after we celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary. You let me believe that my existence with you was still as precious as it was when we took our vows. And no, I didn’t want to tell people that we were planning to have a child because I am quite certain I won’t have an easy time getting pregnant as a result of the ovarian cysts I had at age 12. I didn’t want to be the “oh poor girl who can’t get pregnant.” I wanted it to be between us. Because the only people that mattered in our relationship were me and you. No one else.

When I finally knew how great your desire was for children and how uncomfortable you were with the idea of having a horse, which you only broke down and told me as a result of me finding out about your affair, what was the first thing I did? I closed the horse savings account and told you I was committed to giving you the life you wanted.

But in the end it wasn’t enough for you. That is what I don’t understand. You claim that you still love me, that you regret what happened. So why wasn’t my willingness to give you what you wanted enough?

What made you think, what had I ever done in our six years together, to make you think I wouldn’t give you what you wanted?

How have you gone from being my best friend to a completely cold stranger?

I have made a habit in our relationship of forgiving you; from when we moved in together and you lied about having drinks with Jennifer Smith, to the revelation of your horrendous credit history when we went to get financed on our first home, to the fact that you didn’t graduate college in December of 2001 like you said but rather 2003 which I learned when we bought the Corolla, to the hookers at your bachelor party, your dinner with college girlfriend Amy (how pathetic that I now have to make a distinction) to last summer when you got so drunk you couldn’t tell me where you were. I drove around for 3 hours trying to find you. You lost your wallet, you were passed out alongside a hotel and never once did I even think about giving up on you or leaving you. Each and every time I stayed by your side.

I forgave you for your faults and I loved you more every day.

At what point did I become a person that was replaceable?

You are fooling yourself if you think that you and home wrecking Amy can live happily ever after. Statistically speaking affair partners have less chance of survival than the marriages that encounter affairs. You were so concerned that us living together before we were married would alter how your parents viewed me. What makes you think they will ever accept a whore who slept with you while you were married?

You have made me feel like a worthless piece of trash that is easily discarded. Its pathetic really because I still love you every bit as much today as I did when I married you. Its pathetic because if you came back to me now I would still take you back even though you have hurt me to the point that I am barely functioning. That I cry every day. That there are times that I just crumple to the ground and cry because of what you have done and the pain that I feel.

You. You did this. You hurt me. You say that you are hurting. You might be hurting too but that is your own fault. You did this. You chose to ruin your marriage, your life. You feel like is crashing in on you, well, you should. You made it crash. You did all of this and you have no one to blame but yourself.

I think you are scared to tell your coworkers not because they will think less of you, because they will, but because you know they might be the ones to tell you how wrong you are. How wrong you are to give up on someone who loves you so much. who is willing to forgive you and your faults. But more than anything you are giving up on someone who is willing to give you what you want.

You are naive to think that your guilt will go away once we are divorced. You will think of me every time you look at her. You will remember me and the pain that was caused. Or if someone mentions Jamaica, Playa Del Carmen, Vegas or any of the places that we traveled together – you will still think of me. When February rolls around and we were supposed to be trying for a baby you will still think of me and the following winter when the baby would have been due you will think of me. You will be alone and childless. Any time you go to a movie at an AMC – still me, a song on the radio and you will think of me or a concert we attended; Elton John, Neil Diamond, Dave Matthews...all still me. I have been such a part of your life for the last six years – you can’t escape that. When you do decide to get married again you will have to admit that you were married before and they will want to know why it ended. I hope you are man enough to tell the truth. That you decided something and instead of telling your wife you had an affair.

Now I am stuck with the dream of having a family with you that I will never have. And that is fine. I will do it on my own. I won’t marry again. I probably won’t date again because in truth you have broken me. You have made me become a shell of the person I once was. But I can still have a family with or without you.

I hope that one day I can answer the question “How are you?” without bursting into tears.

I pray that I can get through an hour without crying.

I pray that I stop missing our nephews, your nephews...because in truth I have nothing left.

Your favorite dagger to throw at me - that you are happiest without me? I am sure you are. You are living in a fantasy world where nothing is wrong. You go to work and pretend you aren't going through a divorce. You live in a house you have no responsibility for. Its a grand life. Its high school with a paycheck. Since I found out about the affair you never gave me a chance because you were only kind of there. What was it you said - you were "70% in and 30% out?" Geez, I wonder why I wasn't a super happy person. Maybe because everyday I WAS WAITING FOR MY HUSBAND TO LEAVE ME. And then you did.

My worst dream came true. You became my father and you walked out on me. You made me feel that I wasn't worth loving. You broke me.


I asked my soon to be ex today why he hadn't told his coworkers.

"Because I think they will think less of me."

Um, hi. You left your wife. They will think less of you.

I asked if was still wearing his ring to work.


I have so many questions. I just don't understand why he didn't come to me. I never gave him reason to doubt me. Never. I have always been willing to do whatever he wanted. Why did he stop having faith in me. Why? And when I told him I would give him everything he wanted, why wasn't that enough?

Saturday, April 25, 2009

I am confused...

Today I learned that my soon-to-be-ex-husband, who is oh so confident in his decision to divorce me has not...drum roll...drum roll...told his coworkers about our impending divorce. Even one specific co-worker that I requested he tell because I am Facebook friends with he and his wife, talk via IM on Facebook on a semi-regular basis and we have double dated with them.

Hi, Denial? Meet my husband.

So this leads me to wonder - is he still wearing his wedding ring to keep up appearances? Does my picture still rotate on the digital photo frame on his desk? Along with pictures of us on vacation and our pets?

Hello?????? You want the divorce. Be man enough to own it.

Friday, April 24, 2009


I wonder when about a lot of things.

I wonder when:
  • I am going to feel whole again.
  • I will get through a day without crying.
  • I will ever stop loving you.
  • I can start hating you so that I can just stop wishing you would come home.
  • I am going to stop hating myself for not knowing you were unhappy.
  • I am going to stop regretting the fact that I accepted "work stress" as your reason for being distant.
  • I am going to stop wanting children. Children I never knew I would want until we were at a breaking point.
  • I am going to stop wondering why I am not enough for you anymore.
  • I can tell people we are getting divorced without crying.
  • I can answer a simple question like "How are you doing?" without crying.
  • I can stop being afraid to go out in public because I might see you or her or you with her.
  • I will stop missing you.
  • I will stop hoping we are one of those divorced and reunited stories.

The Hardest Part

The thing that I struggle with the most...that I just can't seem to make sense of in my separating the man I fell in love with from the man that left me. That gave up on me even though I never gave up on him. In the six years we have been together there were times when I felt like giving up. When a lesser woman would have but I never did.

Because I believed in him.
I believed in us.

I will never understand why he wouldn't come to me about wanting children. Why he didn't lay it all on the line. I would always choose a life with him. Over anything. So why didn't he just tell me what was going on.

And when I found out about the affair and told him how I felt. Why wasn't that enough. Why am I not enough for him anymore?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Adding Insult to Injury

I had my best friend watch my 2 dogs and my cat while I left on an overnight business trip. This was to prevent the boarding of all 3 animals for one night...she lost my cat.

I can't find him. My neighbors saw him last night at 10 p.m. but nothing since then. I have posted fliers, talked with various neighbors, sent an email to the neighborhood, called vets...

Please come home buddy. I need you.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Answers I Want But Won't Get

These are the things I want to know. The answers I need in order to find peace but I know I will never get them...


Now more than ever I need you to explain to me why I am not worth fighting for. Why you married me in the first place if I wasn't worth fighting for?The man that I fell in love with was so kind, humorous, caring and faithful. He was the most amazing man and I was so excited to spend the rest of my life with him. He wasn't a successful sales guy - he was a personal banker who got a bloody nose on our first date and had crazy roommates. And he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with because I loved him more than anything.

He wasn’t a liar. He wasn’t someone who hid things. He was a man that loved me.

I spent Easter weekend observing my family and it became so apparent to me that we were supposed to have that life. More than anything that I wanted that life, a family, with you. That I wanted that all along. That all I want is you - flaws and all. Why did you give up on me? Am I that replaceable to you? Do you really believe that a love like ours exists more than once?

Do you really think that things like other people’s opinions, tuna for dinner and working out at a new gym are things that can’t be overcome? They are worth ending a relationship that took six years to develop?

I wonder why you didn't take me seriously when we had the big talk about kids last August? When we came to an agreement about having a child, me getting pregnant next February...why wasn't that enough? Did you not believe me? If you didn’t believe me, why? When you felt so removed from me, why you didn’t come to me and tell me we were in a dangerous position. I never gave you a reason to doubt me. Did you think I wouldn’t go through with it? Did you think I was keeping the Fit Pregnancy magazines for fun? I was keeping them so I was prepared...I kept every issue that was sent so that I could be prepared to have a healthy child for both of us and so that I could bounce back from pregnancy as fast as possible.

There is nothing in this world that means more to me than you. I have never lied to you. I have always wanted you and I have always been willing to do whatever it took to make you happy. You asked me why I would still want to be with after all that you have done? I know that you feel that what you have done is too bad to recover from but I don’t. I know you screwed up but I have been willing to get past that because I thought the man I fell in love with still existed. But maybe he doesn't and if so - that is so sad because the man I fell in love with? He was amazing. He was the greatest man I have ever met. He was the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He was the man that I wanted to be with in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. I believed in the vows that we took. But that was not enough for you, was it? I was not enough for you? When did I stop being enough for you?

I can't believe I am not going to have another Sunday pizza and wings with you, that I won't watch 24 with you or that I won't hear the funny cat voice. That I won't see Italy with you or feel your arms around me. That I have to mourn the life we had together, the life that I thought we were going to have together and the life that I wanted to have with you.

I miss our nephews so much. I miss your family. But more than anything I miss you. We were supposed to be with the boys as they grew but now I am just cropped out of their memories. We were supposed to be the aunt and uncle, godparents, they came to for guidance. But in the end I will be nothing to them.I can't believe the 30 years from now when I retire I will be thinking of you and the plans we made.

I can’t believe that I love you so unconditionally, that I was willing to forgive everything…

Did you mean it when you told me that you loved me? Did you mean it when you told me you missed me? Or was it just all lies? Are you even capable of telling me the truth anymore?

I will continue to get the house ready for sale but you should know that I meant it when I said we could still have everything. I will never know why you gave up on us. It does not make sense.

I don’t understand why you gave up on me. I forgave you. I wanted to give you a family. Why was that not enough for you? I feel like such a fool for loving you.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

What I Miss

Right now the thing that I miss the most is the feeling of my husbands arms around me. When he held me, even after I found out about the affair, it was the the safest place in the world. I never felt pain when his arms held me close.

Knowing that I am not going to feel that again is so painful.
It makes me scared that I am never going to feel whole again.
That the emptiness I feel now is going to be with me forever.

I am afraid of the person I am becoming. Closed off, reserved...a shell of what I once was.

I am scared to go to Target, out to dinner, anywhere in public makes me nervous. What if I see him? What if I see him with her? What if I run into his family?

What I Hate About the End of My Marriage

  1. I have lost my best friend
  2. I had an amazing wedding to the man that I was to spend the rest of my life with and now I am a statistic
  3. My trip down the aisle was a waste
  4. I have lost my best friend
  5. I was willing to completely change what I wanted in life to make someone else happy and and that still wasn't enough for him
  6. The person I love more than anything isn't who I thought they were. He is a stranger now and I don't recognize who he has become
  7. I don't fail. I have never failed, until now...
  8. I have lost my best friend
  9. That every dream I have had for my future no longer exists
  10. That my ring finger seems to have a ghost sitting where my rings used to
  11. That I don't understand why others get to have the happy marriage I was supposed to have
  12. That I had 3 beautiful nephews, that I was godmother to two of them and now I have nothing

Tearing Apart Your Life One Piece of Furniture at a Time

On the 6th of April he came over to discuss the divorce. We spent six years building a life together and it took us one hour to split our life apart. We made lists of who got what, decided to sell the house and to file or divorce online.

File for divorce online. Unbelievable.

No wonder our nations divorce rate is 50%.

We were married in the Catholic church. We had to take marriage preparedness assessments, go to marriage preparation counseling and spend a weekend at an engaged encounter class. All that hour is all it took to rip it apart.

On the 9th he came over to move furniture for the carpets to be cleaned. It was our first step towards getting the house ready for sale. I lost it.

I wanted to know why I wasn't worth fighting for. How he could look at someone who is willing to forgive him, willing to give him everything he wants and loves him more than anything and just walk away.

He said he still loved me. But he just couldn't face my friends and family again. He said that he was happier without me because he could have Taco Bell for dinner or a can of tuna.

I told him that those weren't reasons to end a marriage.

But for him it is.

It hurts to be alone. It hurts to be rejected.

I went home for Easter and while it was great to be with my family I felt like I was surrounded by everything I will never have again. I was surrounded by happily married families. That is what we were supposed to have and now I won't.

Now the house is on the market and we are trying to determine when to file for divorce. Do we file before or after the house sells?

When do I get to begin living my life again? When do I get to stop feeling like a failure? When does the rebuilding actually begin?

Saturday, April 18, 2009

The Final Break

On March 25th I found out he was still talking to her. That he had seen her since I found out about the affair. That his time away from me to clear his head wasn't just about me. It was about her too.

I told him I knew. He was away on a business trip. We couldn't talk much because he and his coworkers were leaving for dinner. He started texting me.

I'm so sorry. I'm a liar and a coward. You deserve better.
I'm losing everything. My house, my life. I am a failure.

All I could think was that he was choosing to to lose those things. He didn't have to. I wanted to get past it. I wanted him to stop talking to her. To concentrate on us.

He came over the next day when we came home. Before I arrived he wanted to know if the conversation was going to bad. If I was done with him. I said that I just wanted to talk.

I told him he had to give me a reason to stay. That I couldn't be in this if it was about her too. That wasn't fair to me, to our marriage, to the six years we had spent together.

He said he would stop talking to her.

I didn't believe him.

I didn't hear from him for several days. It was killing me.

Finally on the 3rd of April he text and said he would be over to mow the next day. I said not to bother I already made arrangements but he insisted. When he finished mowing on the 4th he said that he wanted to get together tomorrow to talk to see where we were both at. I said that if he had something to say I would appreciate him saying it now. He said no, he just wanted to talk.

So he came over at 10 a.m. the next day to tell me that I kept telling him I deserved for him to be the man that I married and he didn't know if that man existed anymore. I asked what he was saying and he said that he wanted a divorce.

And I cried. I honestly believed, however naive, that he was coming back to me. That he would right his wrong. I was a fool.

I read the other day that if he is dumb enough to leave you need to be smart enough to let him.

But it hurts. It hurts so much.

I feel like such a failure and I have never failed at anything in my life - until now.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

How My Life Unraveled

I went from being the happiest person in the world to miserable in the opening of one letter. The funny thing is...I was the person you loved to hate. A beautiful home, a gorgeous husband and a great job. Then I came home on February 11th from a business trip and learned that it was a lie. Or at least the last 6 months had been. And I was devastated. So that adage about not knowing what goes on behind closed doors? Turns out I didn't know either.

Someone, either a kind stranger with my best interest at heart or my husbands frustrated mistress, decided to mail me a letter letting me know my husband was having an affair and had been for a while. What a great way to find out. I called 'my husband. The same man who had left me a message earlier about how excited he was to see me the next day, that he was sorry we hadn't been able to talk much the day before. And. He didn't deny it.

In a second his voice turned cold. He confirmed it. Said he loved her. Said he had been unhappy for awhile. He wanted children. I didn't. He just decided to check out. It was easier. He had intense feelings for her and had before he met me.
I went into shock. Total complete shock.

This was my husband. The man that I had placed all of my faith in. Trusted. Loved.

A cheat. A liar. My life was a complete fallacy.

I was a joke.

I told him that had he ever told me how he felt, just confided in me, his wife, that I would have chosen him. That I would have been willing to give him what he wanted regardless of my hopes and dreams.

The next 48 hours were the toughest I had experienced in my life. Now I know that they had nothing on what lied ahead.

We decided to try and save our marriage. That our love meant more to us than a stupid misguided affair. He agreed to end it and go to counseling. We made it through the weekend complete with visiting in-laws. We clung to each other. We cried.

The following week brought another business trip. The distance made it hard. We started counseling. There were lots of tears. We made it through the weekend and another counseling session. Then he couldn't take it anymore. He moved out on Saturday.

We didn't see each other until counseling on Tuesday. On Thursday he came back to the house and didn't leave until the following week when he said he wanted a divorce. That he didn't want to work it out. That the effort he put forth was a lie.

I called him every name in the book. All the ones that are censor appropriate and even a coward. I told him he would regret it one day. That he would realize this had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. That he was punishing me for his guilt. That he would be guilty, feel guilty, with or without me. That wouldn't change.

I went away for the weekend. We didn't speak until Sunday. We were to gather to discuss how to split things up, how to end a life we had worked so hard to put together.

When he walked in something seemed off. He kept trying to say something but couldn't, wouldn't. Finally he did and it wasn't anything I expected.

"I think I made a mistake."

Um, como say what?

"I think I made a mistake."

I asked if he was trying to hurt me. If this was a joke. He said no, that he realized the guilt wasn't going anywhere and he wasn't sure about his decision. That he needed more time. That he loved me. He hugged me and said we could still have the life we always wanted. He said when this was over we should take a vacation to start our life again.

I asked what he wanted and he said some time to get his head on straight. We agreed to talk on Wednesday when he got back in town.

So we did. He called to say he was going to counseling. On Thursday he stopped by the house. I was so excited thinking he stopped to see me. Then I was crushed to realize that he was only stopping by to get another outfit. Tonight when we talked he said he needed to come by for more clothes.

At no point has he wanted to see me. How can I love someone so much who continues to hurt me. Who has essentially ended our marriage three times in forty days. Why am I sitting here waiting for him to love me again when all he is going to do is cause me more pain.

How can you tell someone you want a divorce, change your mind and then make no effort to see them? When did I become this weak person who would tolerate it. Why am I stuck in limbo?