Monday, April 20, 2009

The Answers I Want But Won't Get

These are the things I want to know. The answers I need in order to find peace but I know I will never get them...


Now more than ever I need you to explain to me why I am not worth fighting for. Why you married me in the first place if I wasn't worth fighting for?The man that I fell in love with was so kind, humorous, caring and faithful. He was the most amazing man and I was so excited to spend the rest of my life with him. He wasn't a successful sales guy - he was a personal banker who got a bloody nose on our first date and had crazy roommates. And he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with because I loved him more than anything.

He wasn’t a liar. He wasn’t someone who hid things. He was a man that loved me.

I spent Easter weekend observing my family and it became so apparent to me that we were supposed to have that life. More than anything that I wanted that life, a family, with you. That I wanted that all along. That all I want is you - flaws and all. Why did you give up on me? Am I that replaceable to you? Do you really believe that a love like ours exists more than once?

Do you really think that things like other people’s opinions, tuna for dinner and working out at a new gym are things that can’t be overcome? They are worth ending a relationship that took six years to develop?

I wonder why you didn't take me seriously when we had the big talk about kids last August? When we came to an agreement about having a child, me getting pregnant next February...why wasn't that enough? Did you not believe me? If you didn’t believe me, why? When you felt so removed from me, why you didn’t come to me and tell me we were in a dangerous position. I never gave you a reason to doubt me. Did you think I wouldn’t go through with it? Did you think I was keeping the Fit Pregnancy magazines for fun? I was keeping them so I was prepared...I kept every issue that was sent so that I could be prepared to have a healthy child for both of us and so that I could bounce back from pregnancy as fast as possible.

There is nothing in this world that means more to me than you. I have never lied to you. I have always wanted you and I have always been willing to do whatever it took to make you happy. You asked me why I would still want to be with after all that you have done? I know that you feel that what you have done is too bad to recover from but I don’t. I know you screwed up but I have been willing to get past that because I thought the man I fell in love with still existed. But maybe he doesn't and if so - that is so sad because the man I fell in love with? He was amazing. He was the greatest man I have ever met. He was the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He was the man that I wanted to be with in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. I believed in the vows that we took. But that was not enough for you, was it? I was not enough for you? When did I stop being enough for you?

I can't believe I am not going to have another Sunday pizza and wings with you, that I won't watch 24 with you or that I won't hear the funny cat voice. That I won't see Italy with you or feel your arms around me. That I have to mourn the life we had together, the life that I thought we were going to have together and the life that I wanted to have with you.

I miss our nephews so much. I miss your family. But more than anything I miss you. We were supposed to be with the boys as they grew but now I am just cropped out of their memories. We were supposed to be the aunt and uncle, godparents, they came to for guidance. But in the end I will be nothing to them.I can't believe the 30 years from now when I retire I will be thinking of you and the plans we made.

I can’t believe that I love you so unconditionally, that I was willing to forgive everything…

Did you mean it when you told me that you loved me? Did you mean it when you told me you missed me? Or was it just all lies? Are you even capable of telling me the truth anymore?

I will continue to get the house ready for sale but you should know that I meant it when I said we could still have everything. I will never know why you gave up on us. It does not make sense.

I don’t understand why you gave up on me. I forgave you. I wanted to give you a family. Why was that not enough for you? I feel like such a fool for loving you.

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