Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Cold turkey may not work.
I thought I was ready and now I am not so sure.
But dividing lines. Clear boundaries. An unwillingness to cross.
So while we cannot cross lines we once did we will gladly hold back to save the friendship that means the most. To both of us.
After many months of silence, largely due to the fact I never responded to his last few texts guess who I heard from?
There is still nothing there for me.
But I admire the perseverance.
Monday, November 29, 2010
You've been warned.
Today I made two decisions.
- Sell my treadmill. It was a part of the 2010 Vision Board. But the new house I am buying is literally across the street from the fitness center. Where I pay money to workout on a monthly basis. If I can't get up the motivation to walk 100 feet, I'm not getting on the treadmill anyway. Plus my brother in law may forgive me for moving in the middle of December if I sell the treadmill. Maybe.
- Sell my engagement ring & wedding band.
The first thing I noticed was something sparkly on the dining room floor.
My engagement ring.
Next was the fact that the ring box was now in shreds. All. Over. The. Floor.
After picking up the shreds of the box and taking several deep breaths I started looking.
Did I mention that my rental has awful shag carpet? The kind that makes you wonder how much we will make fun of frieze in 10 years?
Then finally, I spotted my wedding band near the ottoman.
Worrying that your dogs, the only children you will ever have, have digested diamonds on the same day you are worrying about the one you cut loose...too much for one day.
I'm trying to make a new habit.
It is necessary.
It is what is best. For both of us. Whether we want it to be or not.
But I wasn't counting on the news coming today. As one of few that knew it was coming sooner rather than later I couldn't sit back and not tell him I was thinking of him.
I know there will always be things that happen. There will always be something.
But I can't be cold-hearted this soon. I had to reach out.
And I reserve this right if there is a loss of anyone, or his furry best friend, that he holds dear.
Because in the end, we will always be friends. Even if right now what we need is silence.
So I am starting over. Again.
14 days to make a habit.
There will be letters written that are never sent.
BBM's to a friend willing to stand in as it was our go to communication tool .
But one thing it isn't...it isn't easy.
I appreciate your support more than you know.
They may be the longest 13 days of my life.
The habit is silence.
Silence between me and him.
It will be better for both of us.
We have tried.
We have failed.
I have failed more.
I've taught him that I will do this and then come back, missing him.
But this time I am not coming back.
But I am missing him.
I am done.
It is what needs done. For both of us.
Even if it hurts. Even if it feels like something is missing.
It's a new habit. The habit of silence.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Any woman searching for a husband has never had one.
I couldn't agree more.
But the biggest gift I am giving myself is the gift of freedom and tied to that...honesty.
I am only ever partially honest.
Because I can't admit the truth.
But sometimes letting go of the one you love will actually set you free. And that is what I did today.
It takes 14 days to make a habit and this time we both need to abide by it. No slips. It doesn't matter how much we both care. It needs to end.
Otherwise, we will never find happiness.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The second in 5 months.
But right now I am all about purging, planning and remodeling.
Purging the things that I do not need. Do I need these books that I will never read again? Do I need the dress that as already been photographed and uploaded to FB for 3 separate events (vain, yes I am thank you very much)? What can I rid myself of that will make the move that much easier?
Planning is something I am always doing. Planning my day, my week, my month. Planning for the move. Planning to make sure everything goes as smoothly as possible. Planning for 2011. You will see a new vision board has been posted and remember, I kicked the tail out of the 2010 vision board. I will do the same in 2011. There is a plan to reflect on 2010 and manifest what is next.
Remodeling is consuming me. The remodeling of the new houses kitchen. The remodeling of this blog. The old look, that I loved, was all about rebuilding. I've rebuilt it. Now its time to live it. So there is a new look. A new attitude. A new spark.
There is no looking back. There is only tomorrow.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
It doesn't happen often. But it happens.
On days like this, when the house is quiet, the dogs are sleeping and I am alone.
It wasn't an empty house over the weekend.
I wasn't alone.
But on days like this the loneliness is amplified.
A day spent with family. Thanksgiving, just a little early. A viewing of the house I just purchased.
Its a Sunday, like any other Sunday.
But today...I just want someone curled up on this couch with me.
Something about the thought of someones arms wrapped around me would make the loneliness evaporate.
Just for today.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Barley is in bed first. He's happy.
A little bit later Bella wants up. Until I go to reach for her.
Then she backs away.
Until she comes back again.
At this point Barley starts making noises like someone is stabbing him to death with a butter knife. It is an utter atrocity that he share a bed with her.
This goes on until I convince them there is enough room for both and they retreat to opposite sides of me.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat daily.
Now if only two boys, or one for that matter, fought this hard to be in my bed.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
But this is nothing new.
I am consumed by the thoughts of the new house. Remodeling a kitchen on a budget is the main concern.
The manifestation of these thoughts has resulted in bizarre dreams.
There was the one where I was in a car crash. B was the one cutting me out of the car (not a huge stretch since he is a volunteer firefighter who often uses the tool that cuts people out) but upon realizing it is me he says "Let her die, let's go boys."
Or the one involving a series of FB status updates, bbm's and emails. Perhaps a sign of my addiction to my phone?
Or the one where the new house catches on fire and watch it from my hot tub?
Apparently I need to solidify my plans for the kitchen.
Monday, November 15, 2010
I bought the house.
When I walked away I was consumed with regret.
I couldn't stop thinking about it. All weekend.
Even on vacation.
It was always on my mind.
It was my house.
The thought of someone else living there was too much to bear.
So today I signed the papers and handed over the earnest deposit.
In mid December, the middle of winter, in central Iowa...
I will move to my new home.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Nothing out of the ordinary about that.
After our cardio portion and before our insane lifting schedule I said to my sister - "Make the offer."
To which she responded with a blank stare.
Now, my sister has won the Best Realtor award for the last 2 years. She's incredibly successful. Amazing at her job.
But apparently no one told her to make an offer on a house they have looked at twice between running on the treadmill and lifting.
And now we wait to hear what they say.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
I wanted it to be profound. I wanted it to mean something.
I hated when I wrote my 200th post that I felt like I hadn't progressed any further than the day I started this blog, this journey forward. I was still the divorced girl living in the house that I owned with MX who wanted to be somewhere else.
But now...Now, I have made a lot of changes.
I've made a lot progress this year.
I set goals. I created a vision.
I've accomplished almost all goals that I set; I read 25 books, I ran 3 5ks, I moved, I took a vacation.
The vision board is another series of check marks. I got rid of the house with MX, I've found a house here I am probably going to purchase, I've gotten back to riding horses, bought a treadmill, I found a new job and got a raise, I've been on vacation and I am finally getting back to the body that makes me happy.
So I am here to tell you that you can have everything you want as long as you put your mind to it.
Friday, November 5, 2010
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
My rating: 3 of 5 stars
For the first third of the book I was wondering what all the rage was about. I couldn't figure out why this was so special; then it was as though the candle had been lit. The book moved at a glorious pace and I was totally engrossed in the storyline. Then it ended and I didn't like the end but it made me remember...that's life, not a storybook.
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Cum Laude by Cecily von Ziegesar
My rating: 2 of 5 stars
I'm not entirely sure how this ended up on my "to read" list but it has...And well, it was okay. It's more of a teen book and my 16 year old self would have loved it. My 29 year old self just kept thinking of the things I could have/should have/would have done if only I were to go back to college again.
Its a skip.
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