Saturday, May 30, 2009


No quotes this week. Just a few lines from a movie.

Earlier this week I watched Under the Tuscan Sun and what resonated with me the most was this exchange between Diane Lane's character and her Italian realtor:

Frances: Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. (at times I have and still do feel as though this experience is killing me) When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know. (bingo) The light just never went on, you know. I must have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid.
Martini: No, it's not stupid, Signora Mayes. L'amore e cieco.
Frances: Oh, love is blind. Yeah, we have that saying too.
Martini: Everybody has that saying because it's true everywhere.

So you might think that this is an odd exchange to choose for inspiration but if that character can find happiness via a talented script writer and a multi million dollar budget to produce the movie then I know I can too.

Yes, what you are reading is sarcasm. I just liked the realness of what the character says.

It resonated with me.

I have racked my brain trying to pinpoint the moment when it all went wrong. Even when he told me his moment I still look back and can't see it because he was still my loving husband. Because he never told me what he felt and surely the person that promises to be with you for the rest of your life would come to you with those things.

But they don't.

And I am not dead which means I have to just keep livin*

(*bonus points if you know what movie that is from, double bonus points if you know who has a production company by the same name)

A Better Day

Reading back through my posts these past few days I realize I sound a lot like Debbie Downer.

So, to prove I am not one step closer to the cliff I thought I would tell you about my wonderfully relaxing day complete with an emphasis on the positive (+) moments and acknowledging the bad (-).

I slept (+) in (+).

I went for a run (+) but it took me 23 minutes and 45 seconds to run 2.13 miles (-).

I completed the Gunnar Peterson Accelerated Core Training workout (+).

I went to the pool (+) but I drove there (-). I hate that I live about a quarter mile from my pool and I drove. Its lazy and not very green. Now, I am not some obsessive environmentalist (I drive an SUV and probably always will) but I like to consider myself green-lite (CFL's, reusable bags, programmable thermostat, unplugging unused appliances and recycling are my thing). So why did I drive? I left the dogs out and would need to go home about every hour to let them outside (they aren't very trustworthy). Plus it gave me time to pull weeds (+) from the landscaping. But I thought of a solution...I just need to get a bike lock and ride my bike to the pool! So that is on the list for next week!

I cleaned (+) and vacuumed the upstairs (+).

I went outside to get the mail and had my soon-to-be-ex-in laws drive by and give me a nod (-). Reminder, your son was the cheating ba$tard. Not me. He left me. I wanted to make it work. I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are so ashamed of his actions and that is why you don't reach out to me. Oh and all the mail was for MS2BX (-). I was hoping for new magazines for my trip tomorrow.

I got my eyebrows waxed (+) and my nails done (+). The nail salon owner told me I looked pretty (+) but I could tell in her voice she was surprised (-). Boo.

I cleaned the main level of the house (+) and even mopped the hardwoods (+).

I decided not to go to a friends BBQ (-), stay in and watch DVR (+), pack for tomorrows work trip and try and get a good nights sleep (+).

Sadly, while going through my jewelry box looking for earrings to pack I came across my charm bracelet that MS2BX gave me as a wedding present (-). Just one more thing to put away...

The total count is 15 (+) and 7 (-). Last I check 15 was greater than 7 so that makes today a good day.

Friday, May 29, 2009

My Car Hates Me

Tonight, on my way home from the movies with Mrs.S, my car kept switching to AM stations.

MS2BX was always changing the radio to AM stations.

I love my car. Why is it fighting me?

Um, yeah

MS2BX, um, earth to you buddy.

The county in which the attorney hangs his shingle does not matter.

Fact: I chose an attorney in our neighboring state. Its pretty common here in these border cities but um, yeah...I made sure he was licensed to practice law in our state.

That means he passed the same bar exam as this mythical lawyer who practices in our county of residence that you think I should have selected.

Remember? They take state bar exams. Not county...

Just an FYI. I mean, you think I should have selected an attorney within our county and I think you should have stayed faithful. Guess we will have to call this one a draw.

My New Habit

I can't sleep. I worry about everything and can't relax.

Am I ever going to get through this?

What could I have done to prevent this? Or was it inevitable?

Will I ever be happy again?

How can no one in his family care enough about me to check on me?

I put myself to bed tonight at 9 p.m. determined to have a good Friday that would start with an early morning workout. I read my book, turned off the lights and...nothing.
I always fall asleep fast. More and more I can't.

I tossed and turned. So I read again.

Then my book ended.

It was a good book but all I could think was how many more I needed to read. My friend challenged me to read 50 books this year and this was only number seven. Its almost June. I should be at 25. I can't fail at this too.

I tried focusing on the positive. How on Wednesday night I had dinner with one of my all time favorite people. She was in town for a training session and I was so glad I got to see her. We laughed. We cried. We ate a lot!

She is one of those people that I know without a doubt will always be my friend. It doesn't matter if we go a month or two without talking, not for any other reason than life getting in the way, we always pick up as if it were yesterday.

I think it was one of our first meetings in college. Our pledge class seemed to pair up and I remember her looking at me and saying "I guess we are going to have to be friends."

She has had her own struggles. So much of how we grew up was so drastically different yet so strikingly similar.

In the midst of her "this adult life thing is for the birds" set of problems she thought of me. She brought me a book of Novenas. One given to her by her mother-in-law and another by a mutual friend whom I am going to dinner and a movie with on Friday.

It is a perfect gift.

A perfect gift because this entire situation has made me question my faith in God and my faith in the Catholic church. I am not someone you would describe as incredibly religious and for that I feel guilty.

That makes me the perfect Catholic.

But I have always had faith.

But I think this was a sign to not lose faith. To not give up hope.

Now I will try and sleep again.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Needing Direction

Today was one of those days when I just couldn't focus. I have been traveling a lot for work and really just need 2 weeks in the office so that I can feel on top of things. I just can't seem to function optimally so things that normally take me two seconds take longer.

I hate that. That isn't me.

The whole time I am at work I am thinking about crap I need to do for the divorce; separating bank accounts, getting new credit cards, talking to the lawyer..gee, I wonder why I can't focus at work.

Then when I get home I just think about work and can't seem to focus on the personal stuff.

Ugh. Vicious cycle.

I was so frustrated on my way home that I started crying. I hate not knowing where my life is going and I hate that I can't make plans to move forward because I can't do anything until my house sells.

But yet, I don't want my house to sell. It is my home.

I need a goal. I need something to focus on. Something to work towards.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


Why does my poor cat, who finally came home after 2 weeks, now have conjuctivitis? And need a topical cream applied to his eyes twice a day for the next 7 days?

Why do the dogs decide they need to go outside after I have my pj's on, the alarm set, curled up in my bed ready to fall asleep?

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Getting Back to Me

There are lots of things about me I haven't been able to bring myself to do recently. There are some things about me that were put on a shelf as I built a life with MS2BX.

I grew up showing horses. I had a horse when we met. She wasn't a good fit and she went back to the prior owner. I fully intended to find a more suitable match. Its been six years since I showed.

We fell in love and first there was a house to buy, then a wedding to plan, then a second house that was larger than the first and needed more furniture.

There always seemed to be something more important than me getting a horse again.

I used to love working out and making dinner. It was part of what I (we) did. I had a routine; I worked out, went to do work, made dinner for us, hung out with my husband - generally watching some TV show that we both enjoyed, watched GH at 9 p.m. and went to bed.

But since February I haven't worked out. I haven't made dinner.

So I am trying to employ the kaizen theory and make small changes; I am trying to get some form of physical exercise on a daily basis and am planning to cook meals for myself again. Starting with the things I can incorporate quickly and easily.

The physical exercise is starting to go well. I have worked out 5 of the last 7 days.

As far as cooking dinner, well, not so much. Tonight I had microwave popcorn while searching for divine inspiration in the form of a movie - Under the Tuscan Sun.

The movie was good and it reaffirmed my desire to do certain things in life. I want to see Italy though I will probably resist buying a broken down villa a la Diane Lane's character. But a cute house in the country? Count me in. I want to see Greece, go water skiing this summer, snow skiing and deer hunting in the winter...I want to buy a horse and start showing again.

These are things I want to do. These are things I haven't been able to do because before I had someone else to think about; what they wanted, what they liked. I focused on our goals and put our needs and wants ahead of mine.

But I can do these things now because I only have to answer to myself. Or at least I will be able to once the divorce is final.

Monday, May 25, 2009

What a Difference a Year Makes

My therapist said that this was going to be the year of firsts and so far there have been many.

A dating anniversary spent apart.
The first Easter apart.
First Memorial Weekend apart.

This weekend was probably the toughest thus far.

A year ago we were at the Lake with his friends. A weekend organized by one of my favorite couples. By New Year's they had split. I remember feeling so bad and commenting to MS2BX that you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Sometimes you don't even when you are in the marriage. It was such a fun weekend last year.

This year was just me.

I got home from LA on Friday and got settled back in. Saturday was a massage and lunch with one of my favorite friends followed by pool time and grilling out with my best friend. There were beers consumed of course! Sunday was the day of over committing myself. I spent several hours at the pool with my best friend and then we headed to a BBQ in an eastern burb, a BBQ in a middle ground burb and then I headed back north to drinks on the deck of friends near my house.

I felt obligated to go out. To prove that I am doing okay. That I am not just home crying in the corner even though I am more often than not.

But today was my day. I slept in, fed the dogs, cleaned my room, put fresh sheets on, worked out, walked the dogs, watched the 90210 marathon and finally watched the 24 finale. It was so nice to just veg. To hole up in my home.

I don't know how much longer this will be my home so I want to be here as much as possible.

Friday, May 22, 2009

The Advice I Didn't Take

When I first learned about this entire debacle and my husband was sitting on the fence of giving up vs. fighting for our marriage my sister kept telling me I should make it public.

Tell his parents.
Tell his friends.

She said making it public would make it real. It would hold him accountable for his actions. Keeping it between my husband and I would do the opposite, keep it hidden. Make it okay.

Tonight I finally saw what she meant.

The other night I was worried because I heard from the wife of his childhood best friend. His oldest friend. She wanted to know how I was doing. I was afraid of putting her in the middle.

No matter what, I didn't want him to lose friends (rationale me knows how absurd this statement is) and I know that when people learn the real story they will think differently of him.

But now I know what my sister meant. We kept it between us and that made his irrational decisions okay. It didn't allow for others to tell him to make a mistake.

Those that he chose to confess in? They weren't marriage proponents. Either they were unhappily married or had never been married. They told him it wasn't a big deal to walk away. Some are lawyers and gave him legal advice on how to make it easier. They all encouraged him to walk away. No one told him to fight for his marriage.

During one of my most desperate moments I asked him to call a friend from college who is happily married and get his perspective. He refused. I told him to pretend that this friend was in our scenario; what advice would he give him? He refused to even entertain this scenario.

Why I didn't think to reach out to his oldest friend I don't know. I mean, we spent a lot of time with them, we vacationed with them.

Tonight Molly called. All she knew was that we were getting a divorce and that I was the one filing. I told her everything from start to finish. I cried. She cried.

When we got off the phone it was like everything was new again. The hurt, pain, desire for him to come back. All of it.

Then something happened that I didn't expect. The childhood/oldest friend (Molly's husband) called. He told me he was sorry, that he would do anything he could to help. That in all of his recent interaction with MS2BX he was aloof, distant. That he was willing to give him a piece of his mind whether I wanted him to or not. That no matter what he and his wife would be there for me.

For the first time in this entire debacle someone from MS2BX side of things was willing to stand up for me.

The worst part; what if I had reached out to them earlier? What if I had clued them in from the beginning?


I love quotes. Quotes and lists are some of my favorite things. One of my favorite features at FitSugar is their "Words That Move You" posts and a couple weeks ago I posted a collection of my favorite things to remember and something else to remember.

As I find words that inspire and speak to me I will post them here.

So. Drumroll.....

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with the first step." Lao Tzu

"To be really great in little things, to be truly noble and heroic in the insipid details of everyday life, is a virtrue so rare as to be worthy of canonization." Harriet Beecher Stowe

"If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living." Anatole France


The lady that looked at my house yesterday loved the layout. Her husband will be in town in the next 10 days and they are going to come back and look at it again.

I should be excited but I kind of want to throw up.


When you used to call I would light up. Now my stomach sinks.

When you got home I was elated. Now I hide and hope I don't have to talk to you.

I used to love getting texts from you. Now I dread them.

We used to email just to say I love you. Now its all about separation.

I used to take you water to drink when you mowed. Now I can't wait for you to leave.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Learning Who You Can Count On

I have always been a country music fan but now I feel like many songs were written just for me.

The night that I found out about the affair can be summed up in the lyrics of a Tracy Lawrence song "Find Out Who Your Friends Are."

You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who your friends are

When I read the letter I fell to the ground and there is about an hour that I can't account for. I think my mind just shut down to protect me. After I talked to MS2BX I knew I needed to call someone. My sister was out of the country and the person I called was the best possible decision I could have made.

I don't have a typical family. My father (who coincidentally shares a birthday with MS2BX) left my family when I was nine and my sister's then boyfriend, now husband's, family took my mom and I in as if we were their own. My holidays and birthdays are celebrated with them, that is our normal.

My brother-in-law's younger sister is just a year younger than me. We were 8 and 9 when we first met. I have long referred to her as my "kind of sister." It was difficult to call her a "friend of the bride" in my wedding program because she isn't just a friend. She is family.

I chose to call her. I called Megan. Megan who had just had a baby 2 months before.

I am not even sure I made sense on the phone. All I know is that while I talked to her she decided to drive the 3 hour distance between her house and mine. She drove 3 hours to be with me with her 2 month old baby in the car and help me through the toughest night of my life.

I know at some point I told her not to come, that it was too much with a newborn. I remember her saying that her husband was already loading her things in the car.

I don't know how to thank her. I am not sure I can ever thank her enough. She dropped everything to be there and she stayed with me until he came home and we talked. She made me eat, she let me cry, she told me that it wasn't my fault, she was there.

So Megs, thank you. Thank you for all that you have done and continue to do. I hope you know how much you mean to me and that I will always be there for you and your family.

2 Steps Forward, A Million Back

Last week my therapist said I was noticeably more animated. He felt I was making progress.

side note: I have always called tanning therapy. It justified my spending; those 10 isolated minutes in a bed a few times a week was way cheaper than a therapist. Plus by calling it therapy it wasn't so much darkening my skin and progressing towards cancer. So now that I have a therapist; is it just tanning? Do I now have to admit that I do it out of sheer vanity?

A reader commented that they had read the blog from start to finish and felt I was making progress.

I started to believe these things too.

Tonight I returned from seeing the new Star Trek (loved it) and checked my email when I saw it. An email from the wife of my MS2BX childhood best friend.

A couple we often double dated with and had even vacationed with in Mexico. Upon meeting for the first time our husbands concluded we were long lost twins so eerily similar in personality they found themselves relieved as both were afraid of us not getting along. Her name was even the same as the one my parents had initially planned for me. We had a similar addiction to a site for married people and love to chat about the frequent posters.

Her email subject was simple. "Doing okay?" Without opening the email I broke down and cried. I hadn't cried since Sunday when I pulled a "Charlotte." (a Sex & the City reference I will explain later)

Tears came fast and hard and I finally forced myself to read the email. She knew. She knew it had to be hard but wanted to check to see how I was.

How do you answer that? I know how these things work especially after what I have seen from his family. She and her husband will have to distance themselves from me because their loyalties lie with him. She will make friends with the new girlfriend and I will be a distant memory.

I answered honestly. I told her I had been thinking of her too but didn't think it was my place to reach out. That I would be lying if I said I was okay. That I love MS2BX more than anything but that this is what he wants and I can't stop him.

This is the first time I have heard from anyone that is from his side of things. The only person to reach out. I am glad it was over email. I am not sure I can handle it in person. At least not now.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

When Others Have Impact

Today, on a popular social networking site (cough, Facebook, cough) someone wrote:

Hi God, me again. I know you only give us what we can handle but its okay if you have a little less faith in me.

All I could think was ditto sister. Ease up buddy. I am one straw away from being a camel with a broken back.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Adjusting to Life as One

I have always been an independent person. I love the fact that I can do things for myself and I rarely find a task that is too difficult for me to accomplish. That doesn't mean its easy or that doing it on my own goes as quickly as it would if I had assistance...its just that I can do things on my own. Often times I want to do things on my own just to prove I can. As I told K today, this post is what I aspire to be.

But 6 years together makes being alone an adjustment. Due to our travel schedules I was often alone. FOR A DAY OR TWO. The idea of being alone indefinitely? Strange.

I took for granted little things for granted like opening the air fresheners. I could do it. I just might have to try a few times. Changing batteries in the smoke detector? Possible for me, just uncomfortable at my height.

But the thing that is the hardest is the care of the dogs. No, dogs and cats aren't traditional children but they are my kids.

This morning I was greeted to my youngest throwing up at 2 a.m. Three hours before I needed to get up to head to the airport. She was fine but not having any support as I cleaned the mess...haunting.

Up until the day I received the letter I was training for a sprint triathlon. I worked out in the mornings leaving at 5:45. He woke up around 7 a.m. and locked the dogs up at 7:30 where they stayed until I returned from work around 5:30/6 with MS2BX trailing shortly behind. Now I feel guilty working out before or after work because it means the dogs are in their kennels longer. I would love to leave them out during the day but they love their kennels are their safe place and well, I would have no trim left in my home!

But its not a roadblock. Just an obstacle. The weather is nice in the midwest so I can get my cardio done in my neighborhood by running, biking or walking the dogs. I also have free weights and a good selection of workout dvd's and room in the house dedicated to working out. At least until the house sells...

I am going to focus on the positive. Maybe this is just an opportunity to save money by canceling my gym membership but I am forcing myself to get back to working out. Its like reclaiming a part of who I am. I may not be able to have the same routine but its good to get back to doing the things that I love.

My sister recommended the book One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way by Robert Maurer. Its about great change coming from small steps. I think this is a good philosophy for me as I am rebuilding from such life altering events.

Monday, May 18, 2009

When the Earth Shakes

MS2BX flew to LA yesterday. Like many nights I couldn't sleep.

Thoughts of him asking for my rings back and the fact our divorce was officially moving forward.

Then I saw it. An earthquake in LA.

My heart sunk and I was instantly worried about him. I sent him a text asking if he were okay. Rational me knew he was as there was no major structural damage reported but I still had to know. The second I sent it I regretted it.

Remember, his life isn't my concern anymore.

He said that he was fine. It shook hard and there had already been an aftershock.

Aftershock. This is my new term when I am flooded with a memory of us or him.

Like today when I attended a training in the same hotel where we stayed for our wedding.


Sunday, May 17, 2009

Full Steam Ahead

I just sent the lawyer the information to split our life apart.

Retirement Accounts
Custody of our pets

What was once a whole piece is now being split apart. I thought when I hit send I would cry. But I think I shed all my tears when MS2BX text and asked what we were doing with my rings. I called him and he bascially asked or them back. Rings that he gave me when he asked me to spend the rest of his life with him.

He said he didn't think that I would want them, that it was normal for the wife to give them back. I said no.

I asked if he wanted to go down the list of every gift that had been given and take those back too? He said no, but these were more money than others.

Um, hi? Earth? I paid for them too. It was all done with our combined finances.


I told him this was beyond mean. Cruel even.

Yet, I still can't get mad.

When You Lose His Family

One of the hardest things to get used to is the loss of my husbands family. When you marry someone you marry not only them but their family too. You marry the bickering, in-fighting and drama that every family has. It becomes a part of who you are because they are your family now too.

But when my husband left me...they did too.

I knew it. The rationale part of me expected it. But that didn't soften the blow.

The night I found out about the affair, before M could complete her 3 hour drive to take care of me, one of his sisters, one of my best friends came to see me. She wanted to be there for me. She cried. I cried.

She said he had told her he was unhappy in January. That it was about kids.

She told him to talk to me. He didn't. She didn't hear anymore about it, when came over and hung out and seemed fine to her. She assumed we were fine. Funny, I thought we were fine too.

But he never told her of the affair, not until that day when I found out and from 3000 miles away he needed someone to go check on me.

Her first question was if I wanted her to leave? Was she going to make it worse because she was his sister? I said no. She promised to be there for me and until he said he wanted a divorce the first time she would check in.

Since then its been crickets.

This is someone I talked to almost daily, got pedicures with, took tennis lessons with and was the godmother to 2 of her 3 boys. And she is gone.

I have heard from her 2x since. First an email about decor for the house now that its on the market. Not once did she ask how I was doing.

The second time was a text to tell me she was glad to hear my cat came home.

His parents live 8 houses down the street. I saw them once after he said he had made a mistake in telling me he wanted a divorce the first time. They were taking a walk around the neighborhood and said hello. Asked how I was. How do you think I am doing?

Had I have done something wrong, anything, it would be easier. However, the only thing I am guilty of is loving their son. I love their son with my whole heart and was willing to give up the things that make me who I am to make him happy. But none of that has warranted me a phone call or even a note telling me they are sorry or wishing me well. They raised this man to be who he is; a man who cheated and left his wife. They can't even tell me they are sorry.

Just silence.

The only person I have heard from was his uncle. Primarily because he is our real estate agent. When he called to go over the details of listing the house he told me was sorry. That he thought my husband was making a huge mistake, that he sounded confused and that he told him not to do it. But it just fell on deaf ears.

So in six years of loving someone and being a part of their family the only person who tells me they are sorry is his uncle. It hurts.

But my husband is their blood and I was only temporary, something to sweep under the rug. I will be cut out of pictures and they will pretend I never existed. The boys that I love so dearly will not remember me and will not even know that I existed. But their memories will stay with me forever.

What Not to Say to Someone Going Through a Divorce

I am so thankful for everyone that has rallied around me because I have needed it more than ever before. At times though, with the best of intentions, my family and friends have made it worse. Their attempts to make me feel better resulted in words that hurt me.

  1. "Your divorce will be simple because you don't have children." Maybe it makes for an easy settlement but there is nothing simple about getting a divorce. I love my husband and he left me. Children do not validate a marriage in my book and not having children doesn't make my commitment to him any less real and it doesn't make the dreams of a life together go away. So logistics may be simple but the recovery is not.
  2. "You deserve better." Did you think I deserved better before this came to light?
  3. "There is someone better out there for you." Well, I have pretty much lost all faith in humanity and all I want is him back. Don't tell me there is someone better. If I thought there was someone better I wouldn't have married him in the first place.
  4. "Everything happens for a reason." Generally I am a person that believes in this phrase wholeheartedly. BUT. When your life has shattered all around you, this is not a comforting phrase. It makes you wonder what you did to deserve this. It makes you wonder why on earth you need to experience something so horrendous just to find your reason why.
  5. "I'm not surprised." Awesome. So the whole time you were just waiting for this to happen?
The people who said "I have no idea what to say" or "I wish there was something I could say to make this better for you" hit it spot on. There really isn't anything you can say. The best thing to do is just be there. That is what I needed. I needed people to just be there; sit with me, distract me, entertain me, talk to me, text me or just listen to me cry....
Sadly there is no right thing to say. If there was I would have found the right thing to say to make him see that leaving wasn't the answer.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Going Through a Divorce? Separated?

When this journey began for me I had no idea what was going on with my emotions. I have always been a person who was the rock for friends and family in times of crisis. I am rational to a fault.

Then my own life crumbled and I fell apart.

I would cry so hard I would fall to the ground and not be able to get up.

I wasn't eating or when I did eat I couldn't keep anything down. I lost 20 pounds in two weeks and I am a size 4. That is a lot of weight to lose at once. People would ask what I was doing, saying that I looked great...I couldn't respond with "oh, just got my heart stomped on and am barely functioning." So I would just shrug and say I didn't know, must be the time of year.

I blamed myself.

I pretended I was fine, that nothing was happening.

I bargained with God.

A friend sent me some articles that her mom sent her when she went through a divorce (completely different situation than mine but difficult nonetheless) and it helped me understand what I was going through. Much like death there is a grieving process to losing the life you planned.

So if you are separated or going through a divorce and struggling to understand your emotions I suggest checking out this article on grief. It gave perspective and I continue to refer back to it because you don't plow through the stages in order. Sometimes you bounce back and forth and it was good to learn that I was normal.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Sometimes I Can't Sleep

When I can't sleep the following day is the hardest. Lack of sleep makes me overly emotional. It means that the little things bother me more than they would on a normal basis.

What keeps me up? Sometimes its a memory. The other night it was about the night I finally said I love you back. He told me the first time in Memphis and I knew then that I loved him but I was scared. It seemed too good. Too perfect. It couldn't last.

A month later we broke up for a week and then got back together. It was all so silly.

When he said it again I asked him if he was sure. If he understood what he was saying. He said yes, that he knew. He knew I was the one. I was the one he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. He said it again and I said it back. Finally comfortable with the idea of being in love with him.

He cried.

And the other night that scene just kept replaying my mind. I didn't sleep. I just kept seeing it. Hearing him and wondering what happened. Where we went wrong. When I stopped being the girl he loved so much it made him cry, the girl he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Sometimes its because I feel like I am sleeping with a ghost. I started sleeping on his side of the bed so that it didn't feel like he was gone and for a while it worked. It just seemed like I was in a different bed but my new normal is sinking in and I can't trick myself anymore.

I can line pillows up all around me in bed but it still isn't him. Pillows don't feel like him. They don't smell like him. I can't make it feel like he is there. That the arms that held me each night while I fell asleep aren't there anymore.

He used to tell me he loved me in the middle of the night. Every night. Right up until the end, at some point, he would wake me up to tell me he loved me.

Thursday, May 14, 2009


Signs we aren't meant to be together anymore:

  1. The bar/restaurant where we met - closed
  2. After we dated for 3 months we broke up. The bar we met to talk about getting back together - closed
  3. Our favorite home decor store, a place we registered at for our wedding - closed
And then of course there is the fact that my husband had an affair.

The Greatest Insult

In the last 3 months the greatest insult wasn't finding out about the affair or having my husband give up on me, on us. It was a single statement he made the night we moved the furniture so that the carpets could be cleaned.

That night I asked, I begged, for him to tell me why I wasn't worth fighting for. Why when I was willing to get past the affair, give him children, never buy a horse or speak of horses again, why was I not worth it? He said that he couldn't answer that. That I shouldn't think of myself as not worth fighting for.

Then he made a comment I don't even think he expected to say. It would cut me right to my core. He said:

I don't think you would make a good mom.

I asked how he knew that. He said he just didn't think I would.

I asked if he knew he would make a great father? He said he didn't.

I said so you think you should be a father; with your cheating and lying, those are good fatherly characteristics? Yet, my faithfulness, willingness to forgive, unconditional love...these are things that would make me a bad mother.

He said that I always said I wouldn't make a good mom. I said yes, I have my doubts but ask any parent if they think they are doing a good job and they would probably tell you they have their doubts. That every day they worry they are going to screw up their child.

Was there anything I had done when we were with his nephews that made him think I wouldn't be a good mother? No.

Did his family think I wouldn't? Surely his sister wouldn't have asked me to be godmother to 2 of the boys and a potential legal guardian for all 3 if she thought I wouldn't make a good mother. No.

But he didn't. He didn't think I was worth fighting for. Maybe it is because he didn't think I would be a good mother or maybe it was because he just doesn't love me anymore. But its insulting all the same.

Conversations & Tears

The following conversation that took place today after I received an email requesting I not send divorce information to his work email (which has been our primary communication gateway since the debacle began). I responded asking why and if it was because he still hadn’t told his coworkers?

The players: Me and My-Soon-2-B-Ex (MS2BX)

Me: Hello?

MS2BX: I am not lying to my coworkers, I have told them everything. I just need to keep my personal life personal and work life separate.

(Insert me rolling my eyes here. I am sure you told them that you had an affair, I was willing to get past it, give you everything you wanted, give up what I wanted in order to make you happy and you left anyway)

MS2BX: So you need my new checking account number, 401k account number and balance, Roth account number and balance as well as the credit card number with no balance?

Me: Yes.

MS2BX: You have always taken care of this. Why aren’t you doing it now?

Me: Because it is your information. You need to provide it and I don’t have the new checking account number anyway.

MS2BX: So you are just trying to be difficult?

Me: No, you said that your life isn’t my concern anymore. I can’t continue to take care of you. You have to learn to do these things on your own.
(This is where I start to cry softly)

MS2BX: Whatever. Why are you upset?

Me: Do you really need to ask that question?


Me: Do you?

MS2BX: No, I guess I don’t. Can you send me my log-in information?

Me: Yes, I provided it previously and will provide it again.

MS2BX: So we really have to include something with no balance?

Me: Yes, that is what the lawyer said.

MS2BX: Fine. I will be over tonight to mow.

Me: I probably won’t be there.

MS2BX: Why?

Me: I have an appointment.

So am I wrong? Should I just continue to take care of these things? Do everything? Shouldn’t he need to take responsibility here? I think he needs to do these things on his own. He doesn’t want me anymore so why should I help?

He called back a few minutes later wanting to know if it would be easier to just cancel the credit card with no balance. I said sure. He asked the same question 5 different ways, all to my same answer of sure.

Um, you don’t want me to send emails to your work about this stuff so why are you calling me at work and upsetting me about this stuff?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Random Musings

  • Cookies + All 1st class seating on Midwest Airlines = happy traveler
  • Someday Google will rule the world
  • If I could only watch one channel the rest of my life it would be SoapNet
  • Kiefer Sutherland is my number 1 on my "celebrity list"
  • I don't understand people with entitlement complexes
  • If you aren't saving 20% of your salary I don't understand you
  • I think education is vital. If school wasn't your thing then learn a trade skill or learn a hobby!
  • I hate liars and I hate people that cheat
  • I love to read and subscribe to about 13 magazines. I read them cover to cover before starting a new one

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


I love New York City in the same way I love Las Vegas. It tends to be a hot love affair that fizzles quickly. I leave feeling as though I have been run over by a mack truck swearing to never return again. Only in six months I find myself wishing that I can recreate that magic and my desire to return intensifies.

Yesterday was my first day in NYC in a year. It started with an oh so magical and "nothing says NYC like lunch at the Olive Garden" promptly followed by an industry meeting. Joy. Off to a great start. In the evening I stepped up my NYC-ness and had dinner at Budakahn, drinks at Pastis with post drinks at Cielo.

Let me go off on a small tangent own personal version of hell is a techno/house music bar where I can't hear anyone. Which is a exactly what Cielo is. That is exactly what I am not.

I am, for the record, a girl who drinks beer in a bottle, loves steak and potatoes, believes in the right to carry a gun, can drive a stick shift, understands odds at a sports book, can ride a horse, rope a dummy calf, has a masters degree in business and plays heels. To me this sums up my total and utter disdain for uber trendy bars where it is important to be seen and not heard.

Give me a dive bar with a dart board and a maybe even a shuffle board table. Scoff at the person who wants to know what kind of vodka you have NOT at the person who wants a Bud Light bottle.

But I digress.

Today was meetings and tradeshow. Oh how fun is that?

But dinner? Dinner was at Del Frisco's. Del Frisco's equals heaven. (Del Frisco's also apparently equals every New York man who wears a suit. Seriously, the male/female ratio was 60:1) Ah-maz-ing. Ah-maz-ing. Love it. Will return. Drinks at the W afterwards.

I am ready to go home to see my furry babies. Not ready to go home to my empty house. I don't feel like a failure on the road. I can pretend that my life is normal here. But when I return home...I am anything but normal.


A city in Tennessee.

A place of chock full of memories where I thought my life began.

Tonight it was a song. Walkin in Memphis by Marc Cohn. Our first trip, the first place he told me he loved me. The first time I was ever scared by my feelings for someone. Tonight I hear that song and I am so consumed by memories it makes me tear up.

I tear up in a cab after flying to NYC, attending a meeting, dinner at Budakahn, drinks at Pastis...what a great life, right?

But all I can think of is what I have lost and how I would give anything to have him back. I know that is irrational, I know that at some point I will be able to look back and see it all happened for a reason but I am just not there yet. I just want the man that I love to come back to me and the life we planned.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


Watching Grey's just made me cry uncontrollably.

Love. Cancer. Friends. Wedding. Friends. Love.

I miss my husband. Is he even my husband anymore or just my soon to be ex husband? How do I classify him now? The man that broke my heart? The man I can't stop loving?

Emphasis on the Positive

I am bitter. Admittedly I am in a very bitter state. I don't understand why I don't get my happy ending.

I have lost a lot of my faith in God. I don't understand why He would do this/let this happen to me.

But I know that I can get through this. That I am a strong person who will be fine on my own. Someday.

Today though I think I should focus on some positive things like what I am thankful for. The good things I have in my life...The following are things I am thankful for (in no particular order):

  • Family. Especially my sister and Megan. They are rocks for me. Both have dropped everything at some point to be there for me and for that I am forever grateful. I hope they know I would do the same for them.
  • My job. I am fortunate to have a job I love and that allows me to travel all over the US and do things like have dinner at Frank Sinatra's, get facials and massages. Of course its not always pampering and schmoozing there is lots of work to do too.
  • Friends. I have amazing friends (including those I hadn't talked to in years) who remind me that this isn't my fault, especially when I am quick to blame myself. Or just listen to me when I need it most.
  • Pets. They may not be traditional children but they are everything to me. They make me smile and they give me a reason to get up every day. I love my dogs and am so happy my cat found his way home.
So even if the man who said forever only meant a few years and would cause me pain greater than I ever imagined; I still have a lot to be thankful for.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Something Good!

Today marks the two week mark of Duay being missing.

After work I drove to Osceola, IA to meet my sister. She is accompanying me on a business trip to Phoenix and since I am going to Iowa for the weekend it was best to meet halfway. We had a nice drive back, chatting away.

We talked about Duay only briefly when I mentioned that today was two weeks. I told her I was really hoping we would get home and he would be in the cat trap we had set on our front door.

We arrived and no such luck. Inside I was crushed because almost every found pet post I had read said they came home after 2 weeks. I felt like today was now or never.

I needed to finish packing and went to grab a quart size plastic bag from the kitchen when I decided to let the dogs out one last time. When I opened the door Bella started shaking her tush so I opened the door wider and there he was!

He wasn't upset but when he saw me he let out the biggest meow! It was almost like he was saying; where have you been????

I am so happy he is home and so sad that I have to leave in the morning. I just want to hang out with him all day. The soon to be ex is going to take him to the vet to get him checked out and bathed. Overall he seems to be good, a little skinny and dirty but overall he is in great shape. He doesn't appear to have had a personality change either! Big relief!

I think I am just going to stare at him all night.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Seriously. This Is My Life.

What the f? Seriously. Why is there a black cloud following me around everywhere???

I used to have the most normal, even keeled, happy life. Now it seems like every week something bizarre happens to me.

First there is the "your husband is cheating on you" anonymous letter, said husband asking me for a divorce once then retracting and then asking again, my best friend losing my cat while pet sitting, last week my luggage was lost, climbing into the storm drain in search for said cat who ended up not being my cat and then there was this evening...

I let the dogs out the back door as per usual. Open the door again and Barley runs in but Bella is downstairs. But its one of those doors where the knob locks and if it shuts behind you, you are locked out. Because of this we never turn the knob lock. Ever. We always use the dead bolt.

So I turn to go back in and the door is locked. Well, surely one of the other 2 doors are unlocked.

Check the basement door. Locked.

Check the front door. Locked.

Try the garage doors, nada.

So I stand on my front door debating the 8 house walk to my soon to be former in-laws for help or calling the soon to be former uncle/real estate agent to come let me in via the house key in the lock box.

But as nutty as I am about the doors I rarely lock the windows. So I work to pop off the screen as cute Barley barks encouragement and yes! Its unlocked. In I climb, out the front door put the screen back on, inside to shut the window and lock it.

Finally I settle in to watch a little Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill with a dash of Facebook and blog reading.

Something Else to Remember

"Never regret something that once made you smile."

Sadly right now I do. I regret falling in love with someone who could do this to me.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Things To Remember

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving." - Albert Einstein

"If he is dumb enough to leave, you have to be smart enough to let him go." - Author Unknown

"If you think about it, every experience is worth having." Henry Ford

"Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:24

Things That I Learned Today

My husband is no longer involved with her. She is out of his life at this time.
I pointed out the fact that he is alone and further away from what he supposedly wants more than anything. Here I was willing to give him those things... He says that his life is not my concern anymore and I shouldn't gloat in his misery. As if I can shut off six years of love and caring. When I pointed out that a. I wasn't gloating and b. misery was me and he was merely living in the hell he created...silence.
There are many gray and white cats in my neighborhood. This caused me to climb into a sewer/storm drain looking for my cat today, based on a neighbors sighting, only to find that it wasn't my cat.
2 year old children are happier with the people at their parties than the presents.
I still can't answer people who know about the situation, who know us, when they ask how I am doing without tears. When they hug me and tell me they are so sorry I just want to hide.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Valuing the Little Things

I can put a fitted sheet on my queen size bed by myself.

Doesn't sound like much but I have had someone to do those things with me for the past 6 years so doing it on my own is a change.

I can also put my down comforter into the duvet on my own.

See? Valuing the little things...little things help you rebuild.

A little bit each day.

My First Meeting with the Lawyer

There were tears but I didn't breakdown into hysterics. Sad that this is considered an accomplishment these days. I used to be a person who didn't cry. I was a rock. But, it turns out I was a fragile rock and once dropped I shattered.

I learned today that I simply need to compile a list of all accounts and balances; mortgage, store accounts, credit cards etc., provide a list of who gets what and detail how we want the house to be handled until it sells. A motion to file will be prepared, reviewed, filed and about 60 days later or will be all over.

The life that I thought I was going to live will be over.

For the first time in my life I have no idea where I am going. None. I don't know what to do with that. I have always been a person who knew where my life was going and what I wanted out of it.

Right now - I have no idea where I am headed. Other than towards divorce.