In the last 3 months the greatest insult wasn't finding out about the affair or having my husband give up on me, on us. It was a single statement he made the night we moved the furniture so that the carpets could be cleaned.
That night I asked, I begged, for him to tell me why I wasn't worth fighting for. Why when I was willing to get past the affair, give him children, never buy a horse or speak of horses again, why was I not worth it? He said that he couldn't answer that. That I shouldn't think of myself as not worth fighting for.
Then he made a comment I don't even think he expected to say. It would cut me right to my core. He said:
I don't think you would make a good mom.
I asked how he knew that. He said he just didn't think I would.
I asked if he knew he would make a great father? He said he didn't.
I said so you think you should be a father; with your cheating and lying, those are good fatherly characteristics? Yet, my faithfulness, willingness to forgive, unconditional love...these are things that would make me a bad mother.
He said that I always said I wouldn't make a good mom. I said yes, I have my doubts but ask any parent if they think they are doing a good job and they would probably tell you they have their doubts. That every day they worry they are going to screw up their child.
Was there anything I had done when we were with his nephews that made him think I wouldn't be a good mother? No.
Did his family think I wouldn't? Surely his sister wouldn't have asked me to be godmother to 2 of the boys and a potential legal guardian for all 3 if she thought I wouldn't make a good mother. No.
But he didn't. He didn't think I was worth fighting for. Maybe it is because he didn't think I would be a good mother or maybe it was because he just doesn't love me anymore. But its insulting all the same.