Where Did I Go?

Were you thinking that my bloggy world absence was caused by the possibility of a boy?

Well, it wasn't because really the demise of that would have been great blog fodder.

It's too bad really. He was very nice. We had fun.

It was just too much.

Too soon.

B's stage 5 meltdowns didn't help either, even if he shouldn't have a voice.

But B aside, it was too much.

Too soon.

And I told him that.

And he didn't get.

I said I wasn't saying never. Just not right now. I've been alone for a very long time and I need time to figure out what it is I want.

Do I even want a relationship after all?

He didn't get it.

He kept texting.

And texting.

And calling. 

Even when I wasn't responding.

Texting my friends trying to get information.

Which also turned into accusing me of sleeping with my best guy friend. Or if not him, it must be someone else, or was I diseased or pregnant?

Because it must be something if I didn't want to talk to him anymore.

No. I just need space.

I finally got 10 days of silence. I thought we could turn the page.

No, it turns out that over the holiday weekend he was texting my friend again and asking her for more and more information.

Asked best guy friend if he was the reason why I didn't want to talk anymore.

Then last night he made a comment. Which was followed by a text.

When I hadn't responded in 10 minutes I got another text basically going off on me. This went on until I finally had it. I said not nice things. That this type of behavior made me not want to talk to him again. Ever.

This type of reaction is not justified after 2 years. Let alone 2 weeks hanging out.

And this my friends is exactly why I am resigning from the dating world.

If It Is What He Wants...

According to the August issue of Cosmopolitan magazine Justin Timerblake says "The Sexy Confidence Guys Love" involves the following:

• Don't Give a Damn. Uh...I have this mastered. In fact, my friends say this makes me unapproachable but JT says desirable...
• Tell an X-rated joke. I've got this mastered and the dirty mouth to boot. I consider this a personal weakness but again...if JT loves it...
• Know your style. In my late 20's and now early 30's I think I am finally finding my way with this one. I am not a fashionista but you won't find me on a worst dressed list either.
• Try Anything Once. Aside from certain foods - game on.
• Let Him Do All The Work. As much as I enjoy taking control I love it more when its the guy who knows what he wants and goes for it.
• Own Your Emotions. Ha. Check.
• Be a Babe Among Boys. I am a guys girl personified.
• Call Him Out. Again, check.

So, my question today -

If the above is what JT wants anybody want to hook me up?

But maybe what I should be asking is -

If the above is true...why do I have zero luck in the dating world?

Why

Why don't things work out for you two?
Why?
Why?
Why don't you walk away?
That question I can answer.
Texts at 5:43 a.m. telling me to have a good flight (at 6 a.m.) make it impossible.
For me.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

A Miss

Over the 4th I had a fabulous weekend.

It was reminiscent of the first weekend I spent at this lake. The weekend that brought me B.

He's still there by the way. I don't know that anyone expected that he wouldn't.

In 3 days I was on 3 different boats.

Day 1 the Roy boat.
Day 2 the J boat.
Day 3 the G boat.

Roy & J tie up together.

On Day 2 the Roy boat had a boy on it I had never met.

We shall call him Farmer.

Farmer introduced himself to me.

Day goes on.

Farmer asks what my story is.

I ask what he means.

Single? Boyfriend? Love of your life?

I laugh and say no, just simply single.

We chat.

He gets called away.

The J boat has to go home.

That evening a girl from the Roy boat mentions that I should date Farmer. She says we are the same age, both single and she thinks we would get along well.

Later as the outdoor bar is closing and I am headed to bed I see Farmer again. He gets a big smile on his face and says hi to me. But we are headed in opposite directions.

No worries I think. I will surely run into him tomorrow. But the G boat doesn't tie up with the Roy or the J. 

Oh there is always FB, I will friend him.

But he is not on FB.

So I suppose, if its meant to be I will run into him with the Roy boat crew once again.

Don't Call it a Comeback

Two posts in two days does not a comeback make.

I appreciate everyone who shared their thoughts, well wishes and tales of commiseration.

I know I am not on this path alone and for that I am thankful.

I just can't help but be a bit envious of some. One girlfriend was barely single a day. Had many guys throwing themselves at her and one ended up being, at least for now, the one.

Two other friends who divorced just prior to me; remarried.

Another friend, so busy on trips to visit boys who fly her out to see them.

And yet, I can't find one.

I love the life I have. I am not curled in a ball crying about my poor, poor pitiful life. I just actually want someone else with me to enjoy it.

I do love being able to eat what I want and when I want. That I don't have to run trip plans past anyone. That the only approval I have to seek is that of my own.

But still. I want that person. The one that I call when things go well. Or when they don't. A warm smile. Lazy Sundays curled up.

I also want B gone.

I also want B to never to leave.

So it makes things hard. Because being a walking contradiction is tiring.

I just want something. Someone quality.

Consider this a tale in what I don't want:

Last night a guy came up and tried to hit on me. His breath was so bad I literally jerked back in reaction to the smell. He later bought me a beer. And mind you this is after I played softball in the rain. I was a hot mess looking like a drowned rat. Standing outside the local watering hole his friends piped up to ask my two friends if I had a boyfriend. The one knew I would not be interested and said that I did. The other, not catching on, says no. The boys say which is it. I shrug to which the original pursuer says - Guess she was just after a free drink.

No. Actually I wasn't. You sought me out. I declined. You bought me a beer anyway and kept trying.

Not what I want.

Random Thoughts/Musings on Life, Love and My Face

This post is going to be a bit random but it seems that I have spent more time taking pictures than writing as of late. Partially because I am editing myself and what I share about happenings with B and partially because I am just at that typical blogger impasse where I wonder if it even matters. Does anyone even care? If they do, why?

Moving on...bare in mind I am bit grumpy and the following is my opinion and mine only.

I blame TV.

I was talking with a friend recently who is going through her own breakup. After two years and much strain she put an end to the relationship. She and I were talking about the demise and how we try and focus on the good memories. She said maybe if she waited he would change, after all Big did for Carrie. I said that was the problem with TV/movies. They all leave us believing that people will change. That we will get a Hollywood ending. When really we should listen to what they tell us. Typically guys don't lie, we just don't listen when they don't say what we want to hear. The bad boy doesn't really change to good. The boy who broke your heart doesn't turn around and apologize because he realized he couldn't live without you.

Newsflash. That isn't life.

I think I hold onto relationships long after I should because I fear failing. I hate failing at anything. I am just sure that if I try hard enough, work hard enough they will work out. I stay because I believe. I believe because I want my happy ending. I want someone to curl up with, legs slipped over his lap while I hear about his day and telling him about mine. The hug when I come through the door, someone to welcome me home.

But maybe that isn't in the cards for me. At least its not my reality right now.

I'm sick of being involved. I'm sick of being reminded how much I laughed, smiled and plain got butterflies over every and any interaction. I miss him on a daily basis but I can't let it consume me. I have to stay away. He has. So that tells me that part of what I thought was there is not. And yes, that is what I asked for. It is what I say I want. So can I blame him for giving it to me?

But really what I want is change. The change that should have happened a year and a half ago. The one that has been discussed so many times but never happened. Because it never will. Not for me.

But unlike with MX I will not regret something that once made me smile.

No Strings Attached would have gotten it right if only they hadn't ended up together in the end. In real life, she would not have reciprocated his feelings. She would have said no. She would have broken his heart.

Stepping off soapbox now. Rant complete.

I'm headed to Vegas in 8 days. That means time by the pool, sun and fun. Sunglass Hut gift cards via my Discover Cashback bonus, are en route to replace the Ray Ban's lost in fun. Something to look forward to...Maybe I will win a little money and acquire the jeans I covet all mentioned in the prior post. They are all I have left on that list!

In other news...my favorite new things is my Olay ProX. I am terrible with my skin. I love to tan both in beds and in the sun. I don't wear sunscreen, I simply worship at the alter of bronzed skin. I get facials a couple times per year but lets face it. I am getting older. For $30 I jumped on it. I used it for the first time today and my skin already feels better. Double bonus that it was super relaxing. I will keep you posted on my love as time progresses but I think this is one relationship built for the long haul.

The Questions I Will Never Have Answered

I want to write about it. I want to explain it all.

I want everyone to understand it all.

Mostly I want to tell him that I miss him. That even though I know it
is the right move for both of us, I second guess myself everyday.

I wonder if I'm on your mind at all...

When you read what I wrote, what did you think? Or did you just hit
delete and go on with your day?

Why was something, predicted by so many never able to come together?

Do you miss me?

Why does it hurt so much to lose someone you never really had?

Well, hm...

So last night I watched the finale of the Bachelor.

I identified with something the winner said.

Do I believe in this process? No, I don't.

Simply look at the lack of successes the show has generated. Heck, one they now tout was actually the girl he didn't choose but rather left the winner for after the show and subsequently married.

I do find this to be mildly entertaining on Monday nights when there isn't much else to choose from.

But I was surprised to find myself not liking Emily during After the Final Rose. And its not that I didn't necessarily like her, its more that she seemed so much colder.

I get what she was saying.

If he did fall for her she shouldn't have had to see him say many of the same things to the other girls. I get that. I truly believe that.

I like that she recognizes that they fell in love in extraordinary circumstances and wants to take time to figure out if they can sustain under the day to day pressures of life.

That could be one of the most mature comments ever made on the show.

But the warm southern belle with manners spun in gold seemed so frozen.

I think it bothered me because I saw myself.

I saw the defensive walls. The protectiveness. The "I'm going to push you away so that you can't push me first" mentality. 

Should I ever truly start this dating process again it is something to be cognizant of as I navigate the waters.

As Heard on Reality TV

"Unfortunately I am painfully insecure. I have a tendency to over analyze everything and second guess everything. I don't think any girl wants to get their heartbroken and I don't either."

As said by Emily on the Bachelor.

This is me.

Exactly me.

Nailed it.

That's me.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Am I Wrong?

I have 2 good guy friends. B & J.

You have heard a lot about B. We are very close.

J is also a good friend. I see him only as a friend. Others indicate that he would like more. But he has never expressed this to me.

B & J are good friends.

J, to my knowledge, does not know about the complicated past, present and future with B.

I also know a lot about his past relationships, views on relationships etc. It's a solid friendship.

But am I wrong that he is often the one that I go to when I need something?

I jokingly asked him to help me move into my house and he did.

If I need a ride home, he takes me.

I needed a bowling partner for an upcoming charity fundraiser, he is my partner.

I was testing a new app on my iPhone that allows you to play music on a jukebox without leaving your spot in the bar, or in my case, my home - he helped me test. I had asked B first but he wasn't there. When I told him the test was complete he said - let me guess who you asked...

So my question is...knowing he would like more, am I taking advantage by asking him for these things? Or am I being a total girl and over thinking because age old wisdom says guys and girls can't be friends?

Momentum

So I mentioned the other day that I had been hit on, something that never happens.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it happened again.

This time on my work trip but as per usual, not someone I am interested in.

For instance, the age gap is too wide. I personally don't want to date anymore than 10 years my senior.

This gentleman is.

I don't think it is wise to date someone within the same industry. Especially someone as visible as this.

I don't believe living in America's heartland and dating someone on the west coast is feasible. Especially when knowing from the beginning, neither would move.

I don't want to date anyone with children.

This gentleman has kids.

So while it is not a match its a sign. And since things happen in 3's maybe third time will be the charm.

It could be the fake boyfriend I have been waiting for....

My Luck

Something I hear often; you must get hit on all the time. The answer; um, no. No I don't.

In fact. I almost never do.

And then I did.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. For the first time in many months since the puppy I was hit on.

I was out with two of my good guy friends, J and of course B, and for the majority of the night the were on either side of me. However, once they started playing pool I sat by myself and watched. (At least I watched until  B was playing so poorly I played in his place.)  And as soon as they would stand up, the newbie would sit down and strike up a conversation.

He was nice enough.

He wasn't a bother.

He was at least 50.

Not attractive and just projected insecurity.

And then it came....so are you two dating? Referring to B.

No.

Would you like to go out sometime?

No, but thank you for the offer.

That is my luck.

The Fake Boyfriend

Me, my sister and some friends often joke about the fake boyfriend. He is the one that my brother in law wishes would show up when I have furniture that needs built or when I move (but we aren't doing that again for a very long time, if ever).

He's fake because he has yet to materialize in my life.

But we have really high expectations for him.

Ideally FB will drive a truck, have a camper, be handy and like to hunt. He will be caring, thoughtful, faithful and love the outdoors. Having a boat would be an added bonus.

Dear FB -

Its almost Spring and soon it will be Summer. Now would be a great time to show up. Please & thanks!

Sincerely,

StartedOver@28

PS - this could very well have something to do with the birthday that is fast approaching. The one where I really don't want to wake up alone.

PPS - this too shall pass.

Some Random Thoughts

Silence broken. By me. I was reminded that it is a two way street.

In other news while traveling to LA for work this week I had time to kill between a meeting and a dinner I had to attend. I went to see No Strings Attached. While the ending is a total cliche I couldn't help but love this line:

That is a terrible self destructive plan and we are behind you 100%.

As I have talked about ad nauseum 99% of the time I am content being alone. Then there are times that I hate it. For instance, waking up alone on Christmas? Not fun. The prospect of waking up alone on my 30th? I could do without. But I read this article and was reminded once again why being single is great.

I do not need anyone in my life to complete me. I make my life whole.
The LA trip also meant that I finished my first book of 2011. Since I am turning 30 this year I am setting a goal to read 30 books.

The Girl Who Played with Fire by Stieg Larsson


My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Excellent book. Much more engaging than the first in the series. I am excited to read the third.




View all my reviews

A Conversation

Me: And I mean this...If you would be happier with me out of your life, just tell me. So let me know.
B: No, never!

And Then I Quit

I'm not sure what I was thinking when I signed up for online dating. Once I did it I knew I wasn't going to like it.

So today I quit.

I tried to close my account online and found that I couldn't. I had to call.

(((insert free hard sell)))

I very patiently kept repeating, "I appreciate your offer/suggestion. However I am not pleased with my experience and I would like to cancel."

Read that 100x and you know how my conversation went.

Luckily I got my $45 dollars back and will never receive another message like this:

Subject: u r pretty

Body: wanna go 2 prom?

Day 1: Online Dating

I truly don't know why I signed up for online dating. As you know I am actually rather opposed to it for me.

Partially because I don't like things being forced and there was that bit about B.

But now B is part of the reason why I am signing up. Not that he knows.  

So I took the hour or so to develop my profile, answer their questions and select my pictures.

I had 7 matches.

Immediately I discarded 5 for various reasons.

I am not real enthralled with the remaining 2.

One has two children and I am not sure that is something I can handle.

The other has this hipster, too in touch with his feelings vibe I can't quite shake.

So I asked for new matches...

And was told there are none.

Um, really?

I want my $45 back already!

As If

As if I don't have enough going on I signed up for an online dating site today.

I already don't like it.

I already wonder what I am doing or why I am doing it.

I think its a preventative measure to keep my friends from nominating me to be a contestant on the Bachelor.

Silence

Redefining boundaries is an adjustment of gigantic proportions and the resulting silence is deafening.

I've written about it before.

It was about him then. It is about him now.

Funny how much of a difference a year makes.

Funny how much it doesn't.

I would laugh at anyone who told me 2 days seemed like years.

But it does.

I told him two weeks ago that anytime a day goes by where we don't talk I have to tell myself that this could be the time I never hear from him again.

He said - You don't ever have to worry about that.

But I do.

I do worry that it is.

I know that it could be.

Two days of silence might as well be two years.

Because now, more than ever, after all that has been said...we may have had our last conversation.

We may have written our final chapter.

An ending with no resolution.

Hope Floats

After learning about her husband's infidelity, a woman returns to her hometown and finds romance with a handyman.

It's a movie synopsis.

It's cheesy.

And you would laugh at it...if it weren't your life.