There Really Was Nothing

As I mentioned  MX got married this past weekend when I was in the same city on that day for a friends wedding.

I waited and waited to feel something. Anything.

But it never came. I was indifferent.

I lunched with a friend, the wife of MX's oldest friend. I learned her husband had made a point of telling MX we'd be lunching that day. The evil part of me loved that just a bit. I learned they would be attending the wedding. And I was grateful.

Grateful because I do not want to harm their relationship with him. I know they do not agree with his actions but they were friends before and I'd like them to remain that way. They are the kind of people he needs in his life, whether he knows it or not, because they are good people.

The wedding I attended. The bride had been a reception host in my wedding. One of her bridesmaids had been one of mine. Another bridesmaid and both her personal attendants had roles in my wedding. While they were taking pictures at a foutain they ran into none other than MX and wedding party 2.0. They made a point of yelling hello and watching him squirm.

And for that I may have smiled another wicked smile.

There were no tears. No feelings of sadness.

That isn't my life anymore. He has his life 2.0.

As do I.

And the only place I want to be is right here, right now.

Nothing

MX is getting married.

This weekend.

When I will be in the same city.

And I don't care.

It's weird.

I keep waiting to care but I just don't.

Remember When?

Remember when I said I shouldn't be shocked?

Remember when I poured my heart into a letter about why my marriage was real?

Today I received a letter saying that they had completed the first phase. That they found in the affirmative regarding the invalidity of my marriage. It will now go to a review board.

He will get his annulment. It will be as though, in the eyes of the Church, our marriage never happened.

I shouldn't be shocked.

I am not.

I am.

I might be a little shell shocked.

It is what it is. I will not worry about the things I cannot change.

F it.

I am shocked.

I am done.

 

Hope Floats

After learning about her husband's infidelity, a woman returns to her hometown and finds romance with a handyman.

It's a movie synopsis.

It's cheesy.

And you would laugh at it...if it weren't your life.

It's Done! It's Done! It's Done!

MX closed on the house today.

I don't have to make another mortgage payment.

I don't have to deal with him.

The only details are the final utility bills and the closing of the joint account.

Finally.

It is over.

OVER.

All About Me

I hate that a few interactions with MX immediately reverts me into this pathetic whiny person.

The person that wonders if this is all I have to expect from life in the future? Am I always going to be alone from here on out? Am I forever going to be "tagalong?" The one that either takes solo vacations or is the 3rd/5th/7th wheel on others trips?

Is that my life?

Or do I go and do the things I want?

Next summer, should I buy my own boat so I don't have to worry that someone will offer to take me on theirs?

Buying the horse is a no brainer, it will be mine.

But will that level of independence scare potentials off?

Do I care if it does?

The truth is that it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that I am happy and the only one that can make me happy is...ME.

Regress/Progress

Sometimes I think its necessary to regress in order to progress.

So I am chalking up today as a regression day so that I can move forward once again.

All of those old feelings.

Hurt. Loneliness. Unworthy. Disposable. Dejected. Rejected. Useless. Failure. Fool. Stupid. Seering Pain.

Right back to the surface.

Tears, flowing down my face.

I've got to remember that I deserve better. That I shouldn't want to be with anyone who doesn't put me first.

Who doesn't want to be with me as badly as I want to be with them.

There is that saying...if I so badly wanted to be with the wrong person, imagine how great it will be when the right one comes along.

Someday.

I Knew This Day Would Come

I found out today the truth. Through FB, the site that makes the world that much smaller.

The truth about why MX is finally ready to take the house.

They are engaged.

He's engaged.

To her.

And I knew this day would come.

I thought I was prepared.

But it hurts.

And I cried.

I cried for the first time in a long time.

I'm not even sure where the tears came from.

But they are here.

I Shouldn't Be Surprised

I made the trip south today.

While en route I had many little nightmares. Opening the garage door and finding both their cars. Entering the house and finding pictures of them.

But that didn't happen.

What I found was that most of my things were piled in the kitchen ready for me to pick them up.

What I also found was that a mirror from Z Gallerie, a mirror that was the source of much debate as we finalized who received what, was gone. Missing.

Not in the house.

Not in any of the four bedrooms, not in the basement, storage, garage, livings rooms...GONE.

So I called MX.

Twice.

I text.

Finally he called back.

"But I thought it was mine!"

Um, no. Please refer to the asset agreement, item number 14 under items the wife receives.

"Oh. Well, anyway about the refi."

Um. No.

I explained that I wanted the mirror. Today. Before I left town.

That is when MX told probably the most pathetic lie yet. "I gave it away to a friend. Its in their office."

Anyone who knows MX knows that he is cheap. He would never give anything away. Especially when he fought me during the divorce for the mirror.

He offered money. I refused. I want the mirror.

He text back. Can't get it. Sorry. Don't know what to say.

Finally I text him back and said I would withhold $500 from the money I am paying him to take the house unless the mirror is returned to me intact and in perfect condition.

If he doesn't like that I am more than happy to call the cops and report it stolen.

I Got to Move It, Move It

Checked in with MX. The house was appraised for his refi this morning. So we are still on track for the closing to occur on or around the 15th.

((((sigh of major relief))))

So this weekend I will make the trek south to get the last of my stuff from the house I made a home and return to the only place I've ever wanted to be.

This Is Me...Doing a Happy Dance

MX took my first offer.

He's taking the house.

I get to move on.

It will finally be over.

His closing should be in about 30 days.

Dance, Dance, Dance.

Okay, I don't dance. But if I were to suddenly feel the need to burst into a dance of the heart a la Tenley from The Bachelor/Bachelor Pad; this would be my moment.

Insane In My Brain

Sometimes I can keep an excellent handle on the madness that goes on in my brain...today is not that day.

I'm trying to buy MX out. The fact that it is going to cost me a significant amount of money frustrates me to no end. But can you put a price on happiness?

My father joined FB.

I'm a terrible bowler.

I almost spent $1k on a vacation in Mexico for just me but when I tried to book I found out that since I'm single it would be $500 more than the advertised rate.

What house will I buy next?

I'm taking the cowards way out and just being less responsive/non responsive to the puppy. Its wrong. I hate it. I'm just a coward.

I love traveling for work but miss my pets so much its crazy.

I wish I could have stayed in Vancouver longer.

Some days I am the most motivated person on earth. Today was not that day.

I'm quite certain I'm not going to be in another relationship ever again.

I'm So Done

Everyone I know that has gotten a divorce has done so and been done.

Not me.

16 months after I found out and 9 months since the divorce was finalized I am still dealing with MX.

I live in the house we bought together after selling the one we built.

I sit on the furniture I selected and placed in our home.

I have to manage our joint accounts.

I have to take care of all the repairs and maintenance.

I have to endure phone calls when he says that I need to change my plans. That I am blowing our only shot. He expects me to change my plans to accommodate him.

I made plans with him once.

I changed my plans for him to make him happy.

I am not doing it anymore.

I just want out of this debacle. I want to move on. I don't want to have to deal with him anymore.

Please get him out of my life.

A Run In

Yesterday was quite the day.

It started as a lazy morning and a blackberry message from B. Teasing me about beating me in an ongoing competition. We chatted on bbm and FB IM for the next hour. Which was officially making me behind schedule for my packed day.

I raced to make up time and get to my friends jewelry party. She makes the most amazing earrings.

The phone rings.

A showing.

And I am anything but prepared. Add in running late and I am full on stressed.

I scramble, make it to the party and pick up new earrings and 2 dresses/swimsuit cover ups.

Go to my facial, which was nice but the facialist may very well be the spawn of Satan.

Back home.

Now its time to get ready for LY's MBA grad party.

The biggest story from the night isn't mine to tell. I just have to hope that it works out. That she values herself enough to make herself a priority. To see that its toxic. To know she deserves better.

The story that is mine to tell is that I ran into MX's friends. Not just one. But all of them. At first it was awkward for me, they seemed thrilled to see me and it ended up being fun. I am glad that it happened. I am glad that its over with.

I am glad that I am not afraid to run into them again.

I talked to his best friend a lot. Afterwards he sent me a message on FB and reminded me that they all considered me a friend. That I shouldn't be a stranger. To let him know if I ever wanted to talk.

It was nice. It may very well be all gesture and not sincere. But its appreciated nonetheless.

My Response

The following is what I have prepared to send to the Tribunal Council in response to the annulment request. It will be sent along with the 20 questions they sent for me to answer, copies of the letters I received informing me of the affair and various other forms of communication in support of the real reason our marriage ended.

It feels like it is all happening again.

To Whom It May Concern:

I received your request for information regarding the petition submitted by my former husband to annul our marriage. I adamantly oppose this request based upon the reason submitted. Our marriage didn’t end because I did not want children. Our marriage ended because my husband had a 6 month affair with a woman named (withheld because I choose to take the highroad) whom he chose to leave me for. They are still together today.

We married for the right reasons; we were in love and wanted to plan a life together. MX changed his mind.

I met MX the first time on March 1st, 2003. We spoke briefly and he made an impression as I did on him. We ran into each other nearly a month later on March 29th and he said this time he wasn’t going to let me get away. He insisted I agree to go on date with him the next day, March 30th. I agreed and we were soon inseparable. We were blissfully happy for 3 months when we hit a rough patch and separated for a week. We soon realized that we didn’t want to be without one another and reconciled. We didn’t want to be apart from one another again.

On August 26th, 2004 MX asked me to marry him. I had never been happier. We had attended church together often and I was confident that the Catholic Church was where we wanted to be married. I went through Catholic education classes and converted to Catholicism during Easter 2005. We married on August 20th, 2005 at Cathedral of Immaculate Conception with our friends and family present. This became the best day of my life. I married the most amazing man I had ever met, I married my best friend.

Like many young marriages we had our ups and downs. But I never doubted my husband. I knew I had found the partner I would spend my life with.

On August 18th, 2008 my husband came to me and said that he wanted children. While it wasn’t an idea that was at the top of my agenda I listened to what he had to say. From there we developed a three year plan. The plan was developed to meet both of our needs; we were to save $10,000 for emergencies, if this was accomplished by the summer of 2009 I would purchase a horse to show (a lifelong passion) and in April of 2010 we begin trying for a child to be born, God willing in 2011. We both agreed to this plan. Together.

On February 11th, 2009 my world changed forever. Upon my return from a business trip I received a letter. The letter stated that my husband was having an affair. That it had been going on for several months. That her name was (damn highroad).

I was in shock but my first instinct was to think that it was not true. That is was simply an unkind act from a jealous stranger. I called my husband and told him about the letter. He didn’t deny it. He said that it was true. That he loved her.

He told me that on August 16th 2008, while I was on a trip with my mom, he ran into her. That he had known her during undergrad and had always had intense feelings for her. The same night he ran into her at a bar in Kansas City, he went home with her. Three days later he told me he wanted kids and we made a plan. On the 20th we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary.

On the 21st he called her and started their full blown affair.

Even after I learned of the affair I wanted to save my marriage. I do not believe in divorce. He told me he wanted to fight for our marriage. We went to counseling. I knew we would make it.

On February 28th, my birthday, he moved out. He said he couldn’t take it anymore. That he needed to leave. I begged him not to go.

On March 12th as we were preparing to head to a counseling appointment he asked for a divorce. I was devastated. I told him he was making a mistake. That he was being irrational.

He left anyway and I went home to be with my family. He wanted to talk on Sunday about filing for divorce and who would get what. But that Sunday, on the 15th he said he made a mistake. He said that a divorce wasn’t what he wanted and that if we could get through this he wanted to renew our vows in Italy. I asked to continue counseling. He refused.

Later in the month after checking our cell phone bill I found that he was still talking to her. I confronted him about it and he admitted that not only had he spoken with her over the phone but that he had seen her and slept with her. I asked if he could stop and truly commit to saving our marriage. He said he could and that he wanted to.

By April 5th he had changed his mind again. He wanted a divorce. This time he didn't change his mind.

This is what MX wanted and he should be held accountable for his actions. The marriage should not be annulled and it was not invalid. He chose to leave. He chose to end his marriage because of his lust for another woman. I believed in him and planned a life with him. That should not be erased.

I Shouldn't Be Shocked

I keep thinking that nothing MX does will surprise me. That I can no longer be shocked. That anything should be expected.

But today I received a new one-two punch.

I received a request for a response from the Marriage Tribunal Council of the Catholic Church. MX has petitioned the tribunal and asked that our marriage be annulled or essentially voided. The reason he gave for our marriage to be annulled because I did not want children.

Not because he was a lying cheating bastard. Not because he chose to be with her. To leave me, his wife, for her.

Because I did not want children.

No mention of the three year plan we developed when he came to me on August 18th, 2008 and told me that out of the blue he had decided he wanted children. One where we both agreed to start trying for a baby in April 2010.

None of that was mentioned.

He just laid the blame solely on my shoulders and asks for zero accountability for his actions.

Well, I am sorry. You should be held accountable sir and I have every intention of doing so.

Ridiculous

I had an amazing time at AC/DC.

Then I return home and my yard is partially cut. Partially. Like a couple laps around the front yard.

You see my fabulous ex-husband has been too busy or "ill" to take care of his one responsibility. So he hires an irresponsible high school kid to do it who quit part way through.

Why do things like this surprise me? Why am I shocked that he can't handle one freaking thing?

I am not interested in your pathetic excuses. Its dumb.

I just want the house to sell.

Things

Sometimes things get in the way.
Sometimes life gets in the way.
Family gets in the way.
Friends get in the way.

Sometimes you look up and you don't know how you got here. Or where you have been.

A lot has happened in the last couple weeks. People have asserted their opinions and themselves into situations in which I wish they hadn't. While I know their intentions are to protect me its not for them to do. I have said my peace and I think its fine. Its just a balance. A balance in learning that when I move home this is a way of life.

MX told me last Wednesday he couldn't mow because he had a hernia. I made arrangements for someone else to do it. By Friday the "hernia" was better and he mowed on Saturday.

Saturday was the Reba and Mr. George Strait concert. It was classic.

We had the exterior of the house painted over the weekend. Just trying to do what we can to make it as perfect as possible for future buyers.

Today we received a refund check from the escrow account and learned that the mortgage payment went down. The one positive to the real estate market being in the toilet.

Seriously? No, Seriously?

I am never letting my sister leave the country again (unless I get to go with her).



The last time she left I got the letter. You know, the letter, letting me know about the affair.



I get home from a business trip tonight (are you seeing the theme here?) and I see a wedding invite addressed to MX.



But it isn't addressed to just him.

Its to him and her.



Seriously.



Now, I have moved on. I am over it, as much as one ever gets over a devastating divorce.



But really? Who does that?



And why does this stuff keep happening to me? Was I just the worlds worst person in a prior life?

Oh Friday

I always have the most amazing Friday's. I don't know what it is about this day that makes me such a homebody.

In truth, I would rather go out on Friday, recover Saturday and rest on Sunday but it never ends up that way.

So tonight's highlight? A Target grocery run, Blackberry Messenger with B, Bud Select and Big Love.

But tomorrow....I'm going to something I asked to do with MX for years. Just more proof that there is life after divorce.

Thank you to my wonderful from AMS for going with even though she has no idea what she is in for!