Sunday, April 26, 2009

Frustration Continues to Mount

If you truly look at what has transpired in what is now the last 8 months – its almost comical. Its comical in the sense that I keep trying and no matter what I do its not enough for you. I'm like the clown that can't open the door even though its unlocked. Its as comical as you still wearing your ring when you are the one that wants a divorce. Comical like you worrying about what people will think of you when you are the one that left me. Shouldn't you have worried about that before you had an affair?

When you decided you wanted children you didn’t tell me. Instead you hooked up with someone you had “intense feelings for” before you met me. But you didn’t come to me. You told two of your friends that you were unhappy with me because you wanted children but you didn’t tell me. You didn’t tell the person that you routinely told you loved more than anything, that you promised to be with forever…

When you finally did, when you finally told me you wanted children, I agreed. I agreed and was supportive of having a child. Yes, I wanted to buy a horse this summer and wait to get pregnant until next spring but I posed that as a solution and you agreed to it. You never once told me that you were not okay with my proposition. You told me it made you happy. But now I know you lied. I just don’t know why.

After we came to this agreement you launched your full blow affair. You called her 1 day after we celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary. You let me believe that my existence with you was still as precious as it was when we took our vows. And no, I didn’t want to tell people that we were planning to have a child because I am quite certain I won’t have an easy time getting pregnant as a result of the ovarian cysts I had at age 12. I didn’t want to be the “oh poor girl who can’t get pregnant.” I wanted it to be between us. Because the only people that mattered in our relationship were me and you. No one else.

When I finally knew how great your desire was for children and how uncomfortable you were with the idea of having a horse, which you only broke down and told me as a result of me finding out about your affair, what was the first thing I did? I closed the horse savings account and told you I was committed to giving you the life you wanted.

But in the end it wasn’t enough for you. That is what I don’t understand. You claim that you still love me, that you regret what happened. So why wasn’t my willingness to give you what you wanted enough?

What made you think, what had I ever done in our six years together, to make you think I wouldn’t give you what you wanted?

How have you gone from being my best friend to a completely cold stranger?

I have made a habit in our relationship of forgiving you; from when we moved in together and you lied about having drinks with Jennifer Smith, to the revelation of your horrendous credit history when we went to get financed on our first home, to the fact that you didn’t graduate college in December of 2001 like you said but rather 2003 which I learned when we bought the Corolla, to the hookers at your bachelor party, your dinner with college girlfriend Amy (how pathetic that I now have to make a distinction) to last summer when you got so drunk you couldn’t tell me where you were. I drove around for 3 hours trying to find you. You lost your wallet, you were passed out alongside a hotel and never once did I even think about giving up on you or leaving you. Each and every time I stayed by your side.

I forgave you for your faults and I loved you more every day.

At what point did I become a person that was replaceable?

You are fooling yourself if you think that you and home wrecking Amy can live happily ever after. Statistically speaking affair partners have less chance of survival than the marriages that encounter affairs. You were so concerned that us living together before we were married would alter how your parents viewed me. What makes you think they will ever accept a whore who slept with you while you were married?

You have made me feel like a worthless piece of trash that is easily discarded. Its pathetic really because I still love you every bit as much today as I did when I married you. Its pathetic because if you came back to me now I would still take you back even though you have hurt me to the point that I am barely functioning. That I cry every day. That there are times that I just crumple to the ground and cry because of what you have done and the pain that I feel.

You. You did this. You hurt me. You say that you are hurting. You might be hurting too but that is your own fault. You did this. You chose to ruin your marriage, your life. You feel like is crashing in on you, well, you should. You made it crash. You did all of this and you have no one to blame but yourself.

I think you are scared to tell your coworkers not because they will think less of you, because they will, but because you know they might be the ones to tell you how wrong you are. How wrong you are to give up on someone who loves you so much. who is willing to forgive you and your faults. But more than anything you are giving up on someone who is willing to give you what you want.

You are naive to think that your guilt will go away once we are divorced. You will think of me every time you look at her. You will remember me and the pain that was caused. Or if someone mentions Jamaica, Playa Del Carmen, Vegas or any of the places that we traveled together – you will still think of me. When February rolls around and we were supposed to be trying for a baby you will still think of me and the following winter when the baby would have been due you will think of me. You will be alone and childless. Any time you go to a movie at an AMC – still me, a song on the radio and you will think of me or a concert we attended; Elton John, Neil Diamond, Dave Matthews...all still me. I have been such a part of your life for the last six years – you can’t escape that. When you do decide to get married again you will have to admit that you were married before and they will want to know why it ended. I hope you are man enough to tell the truth. That you decided something and instead of telling your wife you had an affair.

Now I am stuck with the dream of having a family with you that I will never have. And that is fine. I will do it on my own. I won’t marry again. I probably won’t date again because in truth you have broken me. You have made me become a shell of the person I once was. But I can still have a family with or without you.

I hope that one day I can answer the question “How are you?” without bursting into tears.

I pray that I can get through an hour without crying.

I pray that I stop missing our nephews, your nephews...because in truth I have nothing left.

Your favorite dagger to throw at me - that you are happiest without me? I am sure you are. You are living in a fantasy world where nothing is wrong. You go to work and pretend you aren't going through a divorce. You live in a house you have no responsibility for. Its a grand life. Its high school with a paycheck. Since I found out about the affair you never gave me a chance because you were only kind of there. What was it you said - you were "70% in and 30% out?" Geez, I wonder why I wasn't a super happy person. Maybe because everyday I WAS WAITING FOR MY HUSBAND TO LEAVE ME. And then you did.

My worst dream came true. You became my father and you walked out on me. You made me feel that I wasn't worth loving. You broke me.


  1. "My worst dream came true. You became my father and you walked out on me. You made me feel that I wasn't worth loving. You broke me."

    This happened to me recently, when my boyfriend (the one I had the affair with) left me. I know how that feels.

    And you are right when you say statistically affair partners have less of a chance of survival, I knew that when I left my husband for another man, yet it had worked out for my dad and for my brother so I figured my relationshiop would last too.

    I know its hard to believe but the pain you felt when you wrote this post was very similar to the pain I felt shortly after my divorce, I truly think its not about being left or having left someone, being cheated on or having cheated on someone, both sides experience the same loss.

  2. I agree with EVERYTHING you said. I had been thinking that my soon-to-be ex would not be thinking of me but you're right after a ten-year relationship he should. If he doesn't he is heartless and I don't need him. My husband had not respected my father for having an affair but he did the same thing to me.