On March 25th I found out he was still talking to her. That he had seen her since I found out about the affair. That his time away from me to clear his head wasn't just about me. It was about her too.
I told him I knew. He was away on a business trip. We couldn't talk much because he and his coworkers were leaving for dinner. He started texting me.
I'm so sorry. I'm a liar and a coward. You deserve better.
I'm losing everything. My house, my life. I am a failure.
All I could think was that he was choosing to to lose those things. He didn't have to. I wanted to get past it. I wanted him to stop talking to her. To concentrate on us.
He came over the next day when we came home. Before I arrived he wanted to know if the conversation was going to bad. If I was done with him. I said that I just wanted to talk.
I told him he had to give me a reason to stay. That I couldn't be in this if it was about her too. That wasn't fair to me, to our marriage, to the six years we had spent together.
He said he would stop talking to her.
I didn't believe him.
I didn't hear from him for several days. It was killing me.
Finally on the 3rd of April he text and said he would be over to mow the next day. I said not to bother I already made arrangements but he insisted. When he finished mowing on the 4th he said that he wanted to get together tomorrow to talk to see where we were both at. I said that if he had something to say I would appreciate him saying it now. He said no, he just wanted to talk.
So he came over at 10 a.m. the next day to tell me that I kept telling him I deserved for him to be the man that I married and he didn't know if that man existed anymore. I asked what he was saying and he said that he wanted a divorce.
And I cried. I honestly believed, however naive, that he was coming back to me. That he would right his wrong. I was a fool.
I read the other day that if he is dumb enough to leave you need to be smart enough to let him.
But it hurts. It hurts so much.
I feel like such a failure and I have never failed at anything in my life - until now.