Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I Have To Wonder

On that Wednesday, one week after I found out about the affair, a few days after we entertained my father and his wife pretending that everything was fine, when MS2Bx was traveling again on buisness...

I have to wonder when he called and said "I have been so excited to call you and tell you I love you. I have been counting down the minutes until I could call..."

I have to wonder if that conversation could have stayed centered around our love and if I could have resisted the questions swirling through my head, kept the conversation positive...

I have to wonder if we would have made it.

I have to wonder to because I blame myself for my questions. I blame myself for where we are today. Maybe if I had handled the aftermath better I would have my husband back instead of an empty bed and the ghost on my finger where my rings once sat.

I know these things are irrational. I know that I did nothing wrong. The only thing I am guilty of is loving someone who hurt me.

I wish I could see my life like the movie Sliding Doors. I wish someone could show me what my life would be like if he had stayed; would he have become a faithful, loving husband or would he have continued to hurt me in the years to come?

I miss him. Not the man he has become but the man he was. I miss him.

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