Tuesday, June 30, 2009
They were very nicely watching my two dogs and cat while both myself and MS2BX are out of town . Somewhere along the way they forgot that I was going to be home tonight or MS2BX didn't give them my information as he was supposed to do. (hm...not doing something he was supposed to do. could be a pattern).
Granted my arrival was much later than anticipated...
I did my best to not break down but they didn't seem to be in a hurry to leave. That is when the tears started silently rolling down my face.
They never once asked how I was doing.
Why am I treated like I did something wrong? The only thing I am guilty of is loving their son. I wasn't the one who cheated. I wasn't the one who walked away.
I don't understand this at all.
Buy a map.
I was going from New Orleans to Dallas to KC. That makes some sense.
What you have done now?
I am now arriving 4 hours later than I should have because of course the flight out of Orlando is delayed as well. Plus your gate agents were rude in New Orleans. Boo. AND this is two trips in a row that have been derailed....Remember my flight to Seattle that you canceled? Remember the bags you lost when I flew to Ontario?
Tell me what is going on...Are you trying to break up with me? Are you giving me the old "its me, not you" excuse? Has my faithfulness gone unnoticed (hello, I fly you enough to have a companion pass)? Have you grown tired of me and my efficient boarding prowess?
A very tired and cranky me that just wants to go home.
Monday, June 29, 2009
For the first time in a long time I was actually looking forward to something. I was looking forward to seeing my friend H. I wrote about her a few weeks ago and how she is one of my favorite people.
She came in town for our sorority sisters baby shower. We spent Friday evening with two other girls (also sorority sisters) enjoying pizza and a few beers and just catching up and talking. It was so nice having her around. She is one of those people who listens. Really, really listens.
We talked about our lives now and where we want them to be and what we feared the most. We got out and walked in the hot and humid weather, enjoyed pedicures and spent time with our friends. It was exactly what I needed.
Its funny how in the last 10 years our talks have gone from who hooked up with whom, what house supposedly dirty rushed a prospective new member and upcoming dates parties to discussions about marriages, parental illness and our own plans for motherhood.
Its so nice to have a friend that you know no matter what will always be with you. Even if we have to drive 90 minutes to see each other!
I just hope that I can be half the friend to her that she is to me.
Friday, June 26, 2009
- Mark Twain
"Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve."
- Dr. Napoleon Hill
"Selfish isn't a dirty word. It means we take care of ourselves and are able to give back."
- Jillian Michaels
"If you want to know your future - look into your present actions."
- Buddhist saying
"The future belongs to those who beleive in the beauty of their dreams."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
"Well behaved women seldom make history."
- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
-which makes me wonder why I can't bring myself to do something outlandish...->
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The amazing thing? The euphoria of working out in the morning lasted throughout the day. I only had one minor crying spat as I was en route to the office when the country station I listen to played the first song we danced to at our wedding which was quickly cured by flipping to the local rap station. Because that is how I roll.
So it really is true. Exercise does wonders for the mind. But this does not mean I believe Scientology's claims to cure postpartum depression with diet and exercise (too bad I don't know how to embed Tom Cruise's interview with Matt Lauer where he calls Matt "glib").
But I was saddened to learn by the passing of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. My heart aches for their families as they deal with their expected and unexpected deaths.
As an aside, for those of you who think I should have a reality dating show - check out this guest post on The Everyday Adventures of Me. This is exactly why I could never be the next Bachelorette.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Admittedly there is a tiny part of me that would like to scream from the rooftops about my what MS2BX did...I am thankful I can go through this in my own private way.
I can't imagine the pain for those public relationships that were fostered out of love to see the tabloid covers, the CNN Breaking News alerts or the Perez Hilton coverage. It would have to tear you apart. So even if I think the abundance of disposable income would be nice - I am thankful to be Charlotte Q. Citizen.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
But I do.
And he did.
He told me I needed to write about the man that I deserve to have in my life someday.
As I write this I am stamping my foot with my hands on my hips and pouty lips.The man I deserve...
Is faithful, doesn't run away from a challenge and accepts me for who I am. He doesn't hide that he wishes for me to give up a life long passion. He finds my knowledge of celebrity gossip endearing and not irrelevant, my ability to recall the most minute details of the most inane events charming. He believes in me. He won't be afraid of my intelligence and will never compromise my beliefs. He won't let me down and would never walk away. He is a man that can hold a conversation with a farmer, a businessman, a little old lady at the grocery store or the neighbor next door without judgement. He is a man who is honest. Loving. A man that enjoys dinners together and knows that the unexpected, not the grand, small gestures are the most desired. A kiss on the check just because, a hug after a day at the office, laying on the couch all day while the rain falls outside. A man who never makes me doubt my own self worth and always does what he says. He doesn't lie and he doesn't cheat.
Because I am...
Monday, June 22, 2009
I don't want to be a statistic.
I didn't plan for this and I am not entirely comfortable with this.
In fact, I don't want this at all. I would do anything to salvage my marriage. To have my husband come back. The man I saw a glimpse of this morning.
I stayed home from work because I wasn't feeling well. He came by to pick something up and realized I was ill. His voice was softer and he offered to run get me anything I needed from the store. I wanted to tell him the only thing I needed was him.
But I didn't.
I knew it wouldn't help. I knew it wouldn't make a difference.
But its so painful to get a glimpse of him, to hear him...it just makes me want our life back.
Everyday it gets harder to remember the good. To remember how it felt to have his arms around me or to even have him in the house. Sometimes it feels like it must not have ever been there...
And I do.
I know moving won't fix my broken heart.
I know the pain will remain.
It won't evaporate just because I change venues. But I will be able to eat at restaurants that have nothing to do with him. I won't have to fear Target because I could run into him or his family. I will be able to have a drink with friends without the fear of seeing them together or seeing his friends. I won't have to have contact with him because there are joint bills to be paid.
I know nothing is going to make this better except for time. Time seems to be the only thing I have these days.
Days upon days of time.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I wish I knew where my life was going to be in 5 years because everyone keeps saying "there are better things out there for you..." Really? How do you know?
I wish I knew what I did to deserve this pain...was it something in a past life? Karma?
I wish I knew that someone was going to hold me in the future and I would feel whole again.
I wish I knew what his family was thinking.
I wish I could have 5 minutes with her. To hear what she has to say. To know how she justifies sleeping with a married man.
No, I wish I had 5 minutes with her family...to tell them who she really is.
I wish I could have one more day with my nephews. Tell them I love them again and again. So many times they couldn't possibly forget me.
I wish I had been enough. I wish I had been someone worth fighting for...
I wonder whose home? Ours? Do we have a home? Or do we have a house?
We meet to get a form notarized. The notary has no book. You say "this was such a bad idea."
I think "yes, you having an affair was a very bad idea."
You wordlessly walk into the house, collect your things and out again.
I wonder how our lives came to be this way?
Most of all I wonder if I ever knew you. Or were the last few years a dream? Did you ever really exist the way I remember? Why do I feel like I am trapped in a nightmare I can't wake up from?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I have to wonder when he called and said "I have been so excited to call you and tell you I love you. I have been counting down the minutes until I could call..."
I have to wonder if that conversation could have stayed centered around our love and if I could have resisted the questions swirling through my head, kept the conversation positive...
I have to wonder if we would have made it.
I have to wonder to because I blame myself for my questions. I blame myself for where we are today. Maybe if I had handled the aftermath better I would have my husband back instead of an empty bed and the ghost on my finger where my rings once sat.
I know these things are irrational. I know that I did nothing wrong. The only thing I am guilty of is loving someone who hurt me.
I wish I could see my life like the movie Sliding Doors. I wish someone could show me what my life would be like if he had stayed; would he have become a faithful, loving husband or would he have continued to hurt me in the years to come?
I miss him. Not the man he has become but the man he was. I miss him.
So an overview of the good.
I have my health. That is the one that everyone starts with right? But you see in my family its something of a rarity. Just last year in the span of 4 months my mom had a heart attack and then a bout with diverticulitis. So the fact that for the most part I am in tip top shape is something to celebrate.
I have a job I enjoy that has an amazing perk attached that is a fabulous distraction for me on a regular basis.
My pets are amazing. I have 2 dogs and a cat you have heard about a couple of times. They bark, they shed, they keep me company. Plus they have proven that if they leave me...they come back.
Friends. I have a great support system of friends; those that I talk to daily and those I hadn't talked to in years. Yet, they have all come together and been there for me; phone calls, texts, sleepovers, cards and prayers. I couldn't ask for more.
My sister and my kind of sister. My two most favorite people in the world.
Books & Magazines. Seriously, I could do nothing but read for the next 3 weeks and still have material left over. I love reading so I assure you this is a positive.
My upcoming trip to Clear Lake for the 4th and the following long weekend in Colorado. Not a work trip for once! I am driving with my best friend so that her grandma can spend time with her family. Two things to look forward to, Nordstrom Rack and hiking at Breckenridge. Now if I can just find a way to get back here in the winter for snow skiing I will be a happy camper.
And yes, I may just to go to Hawaii for a friends wedding in September. I am just trying to prioritize this trip in with all of the things I have to think out in the near future; buying a new house means closing costs and down payments and the purchase of horse just means money down the drain.
But a week on the beach? That does sound nice. Very nice.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Today it started with MS2BX telling me that I had promised him he would be served last week and this was so disappointing that he was now going to be served by the sheriff and that it hadn’t happened yet.
I don’t want to fight with you. I don’t. But please do not try and guilt trip me about promises. You have broken every promise you ever made me including ones you made before God, our families and our friends. You have broken my heart and my spirit. You have put me through more pain and suffering than I thought humanely possible. This is an extremely difficult situation. I am doing my best to keep it moving and to handle all of the coordination. So if you being served gets delayed by a week I am really sorry. It’s not like I have a lot of experience in dealing with these things. I am doing my best.
After that pleasant interaction and a debate about whether or not the court had received our filing (they have but kicked it out for additional information and its been subsequently resubmitted) I was onto the next unpleasant task.
MS2BX and I have (had) 3 nephews. We had savings account for the youngest two as the oldest had special needs and there were too many complications in doing so. They were accounts that we put money into every month (small like $5) and then bigger deposits for Christmas, birthdays etc.
Our intent was to give them to each boy when they went to college so they had money to pay their fraternity dues or play with (read: spend on beer at the bar) or if they were too irresponsible we were going to hold onto it until they were engaged and planning a wedding or for when they bought a house and we would let them use it for furniture or something.
Today I made out checks to MS2BX’s sister, a former best friend and the mother of the 3 boys, and wrote a note reminding her of our intent. Just like that I wrote the checks that were my last tie to the boys that I love so much.
So it just sucks. Not only do I lose my husband but I lose my 3 nephews, 2 of which were my god sons and a best friend.
Monday, June 15, 2009
"Be fearful when others are greedy, be greedy when others are fearful."
A line from One Tree Hill:
"Regret makes you old and bitterness poisons the ones around you."
A few years ago I had the dream workout partner. We worked together, used the same gym and both wanted to workout in the morning. Then she got married, pregnant and to the shelf I went. Boo. Kidding.
Well, she really did get married, have a baby and stop working out with me but I am more than happy for her. She and her husband are amazing parents and their baby is beyond darling.
On Thursday's we always went to yoga after work (even after completing a morning workout). The yoga instructor would end each class with a tiny piece of chocolate and an inspirational quote. I would give her my chocolate and she would give me her quote. A perfect match.
Fast forward a year and a half and she is back at the gym and I am working out at home. She went to yoga on Thursday and on Friday sitting on my desk was her saying:
"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." - Eleanor Roosevelt
I made 3 dinners; pork loin chops with seasoned red potatoes, enchilladas and last night I grilled a burger.
I worked out 3 times prior to work; one bike ride, one run and one bum workout.
Run 4 times or 10 miles. Oops. This is my only fail. I only ran 3 times. I just wasn't up for a run on Sunday.
Walk the dogs 3 times. Check. Not sure they are happy about it but we went!
Ride my bike for 30 minutes. Overachiever again! I total 38 minutes on the bike. Sadly the weather didn't cooperate for me to ride it to the pool but I rediscovered my love of biking. Can't wait to get in better biking shape.
Go to at least one social activity outside of my house. I am trying to get over being a hermit. I met a friend, the wife of MS2BX oldest friend for a movie and drinks. It was good to be out of the house and in the presence of someone I respect so much. I am relieved to know that our friendship will stay in tact.
Complete 2 full body workouts, an ab workout and a bum workout. Check, check, check, check! Oh my gosh Jillian Michaels 30 day shred....SO HARD and I am only on level 1. Eeek.
So this weeks goals are the all in 4's:
- Run 4 times
- Walk the dogs 4 times
- Cook real meals 4 times
- Workout 4 times
Sunday, June 14, 2009
I told him I saw the FB picture.
After we hung up he sent me an email telling me I shouldn't look at her pictures. Did we have any mutual friends or was I just intruding on her life in my spare time?
Um, she SLEPT with my husband. Who was protecting me??
Where did the man that I married go? Its really starting to seem like he never existed.
I didn't really believe MS2BX when he said that they weren't together anymore. For whatever reason I looked her up on FB today and there they were.
A happy smiling couple.
Probably at a party that I would have attended.
It hurts. That is my life. That is my spot next to him. Its not hers.
I just need this house to sell. I need out of here.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
You might think:
What a nice young couple hard at work on their home.
But I was the wife in this picture thinking:
A year ago this was fun. We were happy.
Please go away.
I wish you would stay.
How could you?
I wish you would come home.
Leave. Just leave.
Friday, June 12, 2009
I love Target.
Let's start with one of my favorite magazines, InStyle.
I received the new InStyle yesterday and was so excited to see on the cover "No-Cost Ways to Treat Yourself-You Deserve It!"
Wow. What an engaging article title.
I immediately abandoned by normal "must read from front to back in its entirety, no flipping to specific articles" reading strategy and headed straight for the motherland.
What did I find?
Hm...$14 foot scrub, recommendations to rent a convertible, an $81 bathroom "bliss set," a glow in the dark horse shoe set for $13, recipes for food I can't pronounce, $84 Lacoste sneakers...
Didn't the cover say "no cost?"
I mean yes...$14 foot scrub is cheaper than a pedi and these staycation ideas are cheaper than a week in Mexico but there is a cost. Let's not debate the whole opportunity cost concept we all learned in Econ 101 people. I am talking about dollars.
Here is to holding out hope that when I go back to my "must read from front to back in its entirety, no flipping to specific articles" reading strategy I find that its their copy editors fault for not catching the fact they sent to me to an article full of costly items.
Now onto my beloved Target. As anyone who knows me well is aware my biggest fear of moving back home is losing my beloved Super Target. Super Target can decorate a home, supply me with the latest fashions and put food on my table.
Today they robbed me.
Yes, I showed up 10 minutes before close and quickly grabbed 2 gallons of milk, a bottle of CoffeeMate creamer, Zone Bars and a huge bottle of Moscato.
I had a coupon for both gallons of milk and my CoffeeMate.
First it was oops! I didn't see you had a second coupon for your milk. Me, no problem. I will use it next time. I mean, hello? I drink 3 - 4 gallons of milk per week.
Then I get home and realize they charged me for 3 gallons of milk!
Shame Target. Shame.
Please don't make me downgrade you my beloveds. We have been through so much. Redeem yourselves.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
So! Because I have made loads of progress since setting my GOALS on Monday I just had to stop and brag about the positive in my life. Its easy to get weighed down by the negative so I am trying to recognize the positive as often as I can.
see italics for my progress thus far!
- Cook dinner 3 times. Real dinners. Not make your own pizza, microwave popcorn or mac & cheese. Real dinners. 66% effective! Last night I made pork loin chops with seasoned red potatoes and tonight I made enchiladas!
- Workout 2 mornings prior to work. 100% effective! Tuesday I biked prior to work and Wednesday I did the Gunnar Peterson Butt workout.
- Run 4 times or 10 total miles. 25% effective. 1 run for 2.0 miles thus far. More to come!
- Walk the dogs 3 times. 33% effective.
- Ride my bike for a total of 30 minutes. 100+% effective! So far I have totaled 38.5 minutes on my bike and I am not done yet! I forgot just how much I love riding a bike. But man am I out of biking shape!
- Go to at least one social activity that does not occur at my house. This is on the calendar for tomorrow. Going to see The Hangover with a friend.
- Complete 2 full body workouts, an ab workout and a bum workout. 75% effective. I have completed 1 full body workout, an ab workout and a bum workout. Just one full body left to go!
I have been so much more motivated to get things done because I felt that this little blog was holding me accountable. So thank you those of you that read this. You are keeping me going!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
- An amazing friend/single mother/blogger sent me this:
we're just ordinary people trying to get through extraordinary times
except we're a little smarter and better looking...
but otherwise, you know...
- Saw this Facebook status update and thought...how true!
early to bed, early to rise makes one healthy, wealthy and wise...
- Finally, one of my dearest friends who has been such a fabulous support system even while several hundred miles away sent me this because she thought I would like it. She was right. She is just one of those people that if I could build a compound (ahem, Panhellenic) for us to live in she would be my suitemate!
Regina Brett's 45 life lessons and 5 to grow on
Posted by Regina Brett on September 20, 2007
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. (maybe I have been practicing this without realizing it??)
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month. (seriously people!)
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. (phew!)
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. (re-read #5 people)
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. (again, phew)
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying. (I'm trying. See Goals).
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write. (maybe that is what I am doing here...)
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. (couldn't I have a fast forward button just this once? pretty please?)
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone elses, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come. (again with the fast forward request. or how about a trailer? I love movies especially seeing the trailers at the beginning...how about a trailer showing me what is in store?)
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Monday, June 8, 2009
How could I explain so that he would understand? I was an empty shell. Like a vacant house - condemned- for months I'd been utterly uninhabitable. Now I was a little improved. The front room was in better repair. But that was all-just the one small piece. He deserved better than that-better than a one-room, falling-down fixer-upper. No amount of investment on his part could put me back in working order.
I think its because I just want to do those things but I haven't had a clear plan of action. I wanted to do it by taking small steps but I wasn't defining what those small steps were to be.
I have always been a person who was motivated by goals. Small steps are just micro goals.
Of course it takes me until now to actually get it done. Its progress people. Slow and steady.
So...here are this weeks goals.
- Cook dinner 3 times. Real dinners. Not make your own pizza, microwave popcorn or mac & cheese. Real dinners.
- Workout 2 mornings prior to work.
- Run 4 times or 10 total miles.
- Walk the dogs 3 times.
- Ride my bike for a total of 30 minutes.
- Go to at least one social activity that does not occur at my house.
- Complete 2 full body workouts, an ab workout and a bum workout.
Check back on Sunday for my results!
Where I was born. The state I resided for the first 12 years of my life. The place that I have always called home, been quick to tell people that while I live here I am from there.
This past weekend I went home for a horse show and an annual festival. There were good horses, bands, bingo, a parade (that lacked floats!), beer gardens and good people.
It felt good to be home. It felt peaceful. I felt whole.
I can't wait to go home again.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
I tossed and turned until midnight. Started reading my latest book. Yes, I have succumb to the Twilight craze. But then I woke up every hour on the hour until it was finally time to get up.
I showered, fed the dogs, dressed and drove to my attorneys. I cried the whole way there. I was able to compose myself enough to sign the paper, the paper that officially starts the end in motion, and walk out without letting anyone see me cry.
Once I was in my car it was a different story.
Every ounce of hurt I have felt thus far came right to the surface and I cried and cried. I cried until I wailed in my car, I cried silently at my desk at work.
I don't understand how this happened. I don't know why this is my life. I hate the injustice of me filing for a divorce that I don't want.
I wanted to get through this. I wanted to spend months in counseling if necessary. I wanted this to work. I did not want to file for divorce.
I don't know how he can think that he tried and I don't understand why I wasn't worth fighting for.
I don't know that I am ever going to understand these things and I am confident that I am never going to get answers to my questions. But it doesn't make it any less painful.
The thing that I hate the most is the person I have become; the person who can't move on, who is consumed by the loss. I hate that. It isn't me. I have always been able to move on. To just readjust my life. Focus on the future.
I hate what he has reduced me too.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I hate that I can't bring myself to tell you to call first because this is your house too.
I hate that I can't look at you, allow myself to see you, because I know that I will breakdown.
I hate that I was wearing pajama pants and a tank with my hair pulled up.
I hate that I was watching the Hills.
I hate that you want me to tell you that the house looks good. It looks the same as when I left it after I cleaned it.
I hate that when you leave I do breakdown because I miss you with every fiber of my being.
I hate that the one thing I want more than anything is a hug.
I hate that my best friend is gone.
I hate that I can't just hate you for what you have done to us, what you have done to me.
I hate that tomorrow it becomes really real; the motion for divorce will be filed.
This marks my 3rd trip to Seattle but its the first time I really saw the city. It makes me want to come back and visit again. Take time to do more of the touristy things.
We arrived on Sunday after our canceled flight. Luckily Southwest re-booked my coworker and I on the next flight. Even with this hiccup we only arrived an hour late. Not bad!
We immediately joined our industry friends for Sunday brunch at the Space Needle. Amazing views, great food, great conversation. A great start to our trip.
But of course there was work to do and off to the trade show we went. Followed by dinner at Etta's and drinks at the Whiskey Bar.
Whisky Bar is my kind of place. It is not my own personal version of hell like Cielo in NYC. It is obviously a locals hangout populated by regulars. So much so that when the band got ready to play, spotted our group and quickly exclaimed "Hey! You are new! What brings you here?"
Monday was more work, the movie Up! (cute but a little sad), more work and a Mariners game. It was a great day for baseball. The roof was open, the beer was cold and the peanuts were salty.
More work today and another movie, Terminator Salvation. While I have enjoyed my trip, I am ready to come home. I miss my furry kids!