Remember When?

Remember when I said I shouldn't be shocked?

Remember when I poured my heart into a letter about why my marriage was real?

Today I received a letter saying that they had completed the first phase. That they found in the affirmative regarding the invalidity of my marriage. It will now go to a review board.

He will get his annulment. It will be as though, in the eyes of the Church, our marriage never happened.

I shouldn't be shocked.

I am not.

I am.

I might be a little shell shocked.

It is what it is. I will not worry about the things I cannot change.

F it.

I am shocked.

I am done.

 

And Then...

And then...

I fell off the face of the earth.

I fully intend to complete my #reverb10 posts. But since the move I've been preoccupied with this little project.

Remember when I mentioned that the vision board included a kitchen remodel?

I started with this:

In the middle it looked like this:

And this is where it stands today.

So, what's left?

I need to flip the doors and do two coats on the opposite side and then the painting will be done...except, I'm not loving the green I picked out. Ugh. I might be repainting soon.

Sunday my new stainless steel appliances will be delivered, my flooring arrives on Monday and hopefully the new hardware for the cabinets will arrive later in the week. But hopefully, by January 1st I have my kitchen.

Lesson Learned

Nobody wants to be anyone's second best. Someone's almost but not good enough. The minutes together aren't worth the hours of heartache apart.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The Start of Something New

At 10 a.m. this morning I signed a series of legal documents that made me, for the third time, a homeowner.

The difference in this time versus the prior two is that I am doing it alone.

This one is mine and I can't wait to make this house a home.

Friendship

Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

I can't say that my perspective has been changed in 2010 by a friend or otherwise. I have always had, and am very fortunate, to have amazing friends.

Friends that are there for you regardless of the decisions you make.
Friends that are there for you regardless of your physical location.

I am still friends with my very first friend. Even though I moved away in the days before email and Facebook. She always made sure we stayed in touch. Now with my move we see each more and in 2011 she will marry her best friend. One of the very best men I have ever met. They are perfect together.

My best friend is now 220 miles away. But like with my oldest friend, distance doesn't change those things. It may just make you work a little bit harder to stay in touch. Thankfully technology makes those things so much easier. And no matter what you say girls a 3.5 hour drive isn't that bad.

My sister. The one that I talk to all day everyday. My workout partner, often begrudgingly, is always there. Just like my kind of sister.

The girls I met in college. The ones that I can go a year without seeing and pick back up right where we left off.

The wife of MX's oldest friend. A kindred spirit. Someone with whom I have so much in common. Someone who provides caring thought and insight to every situation.

All are friends.

I am thankful for all. Their support, their friendship, their being.

I only hope I make half the impact on them as they do on me.

5 Minutes

5 minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

I didn't write about it in July but if I only have 5 minutes I would write about a hug.

One hug.

One hug that lasted over 30 minutes.

It was July. It was the last weekend I would have to make the drive from the place I considered home back to the place I so badly wanted to leave.

B returned from the lake and was fixing my mom's air conditioner and I stopped to see him. We hadn't had a chance, aside from a little time at the lake over Memorial Day, to be alone and just talk. Just the two of us, in person, in quite some time.

So nice to have an in-person conversation, to catch up on all the things we thought we had shared but realized we hadn't talked about or had just barely scratched the surface. Sometimes the phone or bbm just doesn't give you all the details.

But soon it was time for us to go. He to a dinner with his dad, me a date with the highway that took me to where I didn't want to be.

He pulled me into a hug and held me there. So tight. After a minute or two I went to pull away and he pulled me back in and there we stayed. For over a half an hour.

Two people wrapped in each others arms.

Friendship and love for two people that despite friendship and love will never be anything else.

That is a feeling I never want to forget.

Appreciate

Appreciate. What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

Not to be totally self serving and all about me, but lets be frank, this is a blog that is - all about me.

So I have come to appreciate my strength. Again.

You see, before my divorce everyone told me how strong I was.

But then I fell apart.

It took time but I built myself back up. I had help. I had support.

But I feel it. My strength is back and when something tests me I remember that I am strong.

Life can throw anything at me but I know I can get through it and someday I will I have everything I deserve.

Thing I Want. NOW

New RayBan Aviators. Too much fun on Labor Day = missing Ray Bans

Nook Color...or an iPad. When I travel for work I take 2 -3 books at a time. This would be far more convenient and its green!


A new digital camera. Mine is old, dying and needing replaced. So 14 mega pixels and it can go underwater? Sold!


True Religions and Mek jeans...mine no longer fit. EBay sale coming up!

Action

Action. When it comes to aspirations, its not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen. What's your next step?

Enter the vision board. A couple years ago when I first heard of the vision board after some Oprah show I was about to embark on a giant crafts project. For anyone that knows me in real life...crafty I am not. Then it hit me. PowerPoint! The perfect place to make a vision board with a few clicks!

Last year was the first time I made one and I was highly successful  in accomplishing what I set out to do. I took action. So in 2011, I am doing it again.

So what is on my agenda in 2011? I will start in the upper left and work clockwise around the board.

• I will move into my new house and make it a home.
• The new house will be blessed with new patio furniture so that I can enjoy my hot tub and fire pit. Make a little outdoor sanctuary for me and the pets and of course friends to enjoy.
• The kitchen will be renovated and that picture is the base of what I am going for. Dark cabinets, stainless steel appliances with a lighter wall color. 
• I am not going to let fear of people's judgement, fear of being hurt or plain old inhibitions hold me back. I am going to dance as though no one is watching, love as though I have never been hurt, sing as though no one is listening (because face it - I am a rock star in my own vehicle) and live as though heaven is on earth. We only get one shot so I need to go for it while I can.
• In 2011 I am going to continue to concentrate on my body. Stay in the gym, watch what I eat. I am going to workout for me, not for anyone else and improve on my own personal bests while expanding into new territories. Like running a 10k.
• The entire bottom row is dedicated to staying in touch with my passion of showing horses. Continuing dressage lessons, learning to jump, purchasing my own horse to show and the truck and trailer it will require. Its hard to go from a paid for vehicle to one that is not but in the pursuit of passion you have to go for it. This is where I embrace Ramit Sethi's conscious spending; I will spend on what brings me joy and skimp in the areas that do not.
• Dollar signs represent more of the conscious spending plan and my general belief in saving for retirement and living without debt. Having been without money in the past, I never want to be there again. I like to know that in the case of rainy day there is parachute to save me.
• Go skiing. This February I will ski in Breckenridge. It will be the first time I have skied a real mountain. I can't wait. I have wanted to take this trip for years. Doing so right before my 30th makes it that much more special.
• I'd like to go somewhere tropical where a passport is required in 2011. I haven't been out of the country for a personal vacation since 2007. With the other major purchases I am planning this year it may not be possible but I am going to strive for it.

Body Integration

Body integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn't mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

I have actively concentrated on my body more this year than ever before. When I moved back I joined a gym and found a workout partner and for the first time in a long time I became a person who worked out regularly.

I didn't make excuses to not go. I didn't let work travel get in the way.

I set a weight loss goal*.

I made my goal.

I've cut my running time down and increased the distance I run.

I've increased the weight that I lift.

I'm addicted to the gym.

I'm comfortable in my body and last week when I ran 6.2 miles in 61 minutes and 3 seconds I felt like a rock star.

*Disclaimer: I have never been fat but I had weight to lose and muscle to tone.

11 Things

11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

1. Stress. Heart issues/disease is prevalent in my family so eliminating stress can do nothing but help stave off the impending doom that is high blood pressure.
2. Inhibitions. I am the queen of over analyzing a situation. Sometimes I need to stop over thinking and just do. Don't think twice. Just go.
3. Laziness/Procrastination. I've had this idea for a small business; something I could do consultative on the side and yet I haven't done it. I haven't sewed in a long time and I don't cook meals as often as I'd like. Why? Because sometimes I just don't want to do anything else but lay on the couch. I need to dedicate at least 8 hours a week to this types of activities.
4. Clothes that I don't wear. I am not a hoarder. In fact I barely have things to store but yet I still have clothes that I don't wear that I refuse to part with. Why?
5. Books I won't read again. There are books I will read again. There are books I will reference but then I have shelves and shelves of books I won't ever tough again. Why keep them? Shouldn't I share them with others who can enjoy?
6. Little Debt. I am a huge fan of a debt free existence but I have a small student loan and a 0% item that I would like to rid myself of by years end. They do not negatively impact me or my life but still, it would be nice to not have them. Especially as I look to make major purchases in the future like a horse or a truck and trailer.
7. Fear of others judgement. I am always worried about what people think of me. If they judge me, the life I live or my actions. I shouldn't care. I should only be concerned whether or not I am making myself happy.
8. Doing things I think I should but don't enjoy. I lead a busy life so I need to ensure I am only spending time on things/activities that bring me personal fulfillment.
9. Being single? Um, really stretching here. But maybe in 2011 I should give up my stance on staying single and be more open to new relationships.
10. Wasted time on the internet. I spend a ridiculous amount of time on the internet. I read a lot of books but the majority are due to work travel and time spent on or in an airplane. I need to concentrating on reading more at home and not just blogs or celebrity gossip.
11. Toxic relationships. Any relationship that does routinely bring joy should be eradicated. Why stay in close contact with anyone whom brings feelings other than joy?

By far the toughest #reverb10 post yet. One that caused me to google things like "things to eliminate." I have a pretty great life so past #3 I was really stretching. There just aren't that many things in my life I want to get rid of and to me that says I am in a good place.

I am right where I should be...

Wisdom

Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

Admittedly I do not always make the best decisions.

Actually, I do. Generally the first decision I make is the right one but for whatever reason I tend to go back on that gut feeling and proceed in the opposite direction. Why? I have no idea. But its what I do.

I did this with MX.

My initial gut feeling after finding out about the affair was to walk away. But then I decided I wanted to stay and fight. Looking back he was already gone. He had left a long time ago and had I of stuck to my guns and walked away when I found out I would have saved myself a lot of additional heartache.

But I didn't.

I've done this with B. More times than I can count. But that story isn't quite over yet, simply redefined.

But the single wisest decision I have made was one that was decided in 2009 and enacted in 2010.

It was the decision to come home.

When we moved to KC in 1993 I didn't want to go. I had to go because my mom was moving to be closer to her brother after her divorce. I remember that year that IA was named the 3rd best place to raise a family...MO was named 47th. I was livid.

It was never home. I made great friends. But it was never home.

I always said that I lived in KC but I was from IA. Because it wasn't home.

After I found out above the affair the first thing I told my sister was that I was coming home. I started spending most of my weekends back there. It just felt right.

It took a long time to find a job that would allow me to live in the state I loved. But finally, finally, I was recruited for a position that allowed me to live and work from home. It requires me to travel, which I love, and I got to stay in the industry I have grown to love over the past 6 years.

I've been able to get involved. Reconnect with old friends, make new.

It is simply the best decision I could make, for me.

I am home.

Party

Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

I don't like my birthday. Bad things happen. More often than not its a day I would rather skip.

The day my Dad left for the last time was on my birthday.

My then husband walked out on my birthday.

This isn't the plot from a soap opera, it is simply my life.

But this year I had a fabulous birthday. I actually celebrated, which doesn't happen often. There was a party. It was a joint birthday party between me, my sister and a few other friends whose birthdays fall in late February.

More people showed up than we could have imagined when the party was planned 5 days prior. It was fun. It was relaxed.

Everyone I loved was there and I felt loved.

Beautifully Different

Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.


By nature I struggle to align myself with the word beautiful but I whole heartily think I am different. Therefore I will tell you the things that make me - well, me.

• When I was little if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I said I wanted to "beat hogs and train horses." Apparently "beating" hogs was the act of sorting and well the training horses thing...that has never left. Instead I grew up to get my MBA with an emphasis in Marketing and have an extremely successful (at 29) career in sales.
• I drink beer in a bottle and not fancy micro brews. Just good old Bud Light, Bud Select or on occasion Busch Light. I don't need fancy things to impress me. I hate airs. I will always pick the dive bar with the bartender who knows what I want over the place with a dress code.
• I love steak and potatoes and in general am a very picky eater. Or selective as I prefer to describe it. You can find the way to my heart by grilling my steak medium rare.
• I love the country and feel its the only place to live but I love to visit the city. I generally go to NYC once a year for about 3 days. I love being there, feeling the energy but I am never happier than when I return home.
• I believe a 20% tip is a starting point. If you give me great service you will get more. If I think you are a struggling college student like I once was you are almost guaranted 50%.
• I am always put together. If you see me in public, even if I am in workout clothes I can almost guarantee the hair was pulled back in an intentional way, I probably have eyeliner on, the clothes are coordinated. It may not be my best look but it is a rare occasion that you will ever see me at my worst.
• Few places make me happier than sitting on a horses back or laying on a boat. Both are relaxing, soothing and just a bit dangerous. Both generally involve being surrounded by people I love and respect.
• My favorite music is country and rap. That type of walking contradiction is what one of the things that I love most about me.
• You can throw me into almost any social situation - a formal event, a dive bar, a business meeting, room full of strangers or a NASCAR race and I will be just fine.
• I love to travel. There are so many places I want to go; Italy, Greece, Australia, Turks & Cacaos, St. Lucia, the Badlands, Montana, Jackson Hole, Sturgis...to name a few.
• I am one of the most ambitious people you will ever meet but some days I just have to be lazy. I mean, barely get out of bed, don't shower, lay on the couch all day - LAZY.
• One of my only regrets in life is that I finished my undergrad in 3 years. It is the single greatest mistake I ever made. I should have taken my time and enjoyed it more. I should have spent a year studying abroad because once you are out you don't have those types of opportunities again.
• I still wish I had gone to law school. I just couldn't handle being poor any longer. Working 4 jobs while taking 22 hours in my last semester just flat wore me out.
• What I am thinking is generally written all over my face. But I have a great poker face.
• I am not smiley. I hate when people tell me to smile. Make me smile, make me laugh. But don't expect me to just owe you a smile for no reason at all.
• A picture of me hung in a museum for 17 years. Not many 29 year olds can say that.
• I went to two colleges, one for undergrad and one for graduate school. Both used my image in their recruiting materials. Apparently I look like the stereotypical coed.
• I'm insecure. I have days where I loathe my body, my face, my personality but thankfully - THANKFULLY - I always snap out of it and appreciate what I have and I don't let it control me. It isn't easy, but I get through it.
• A lot of time I am scared that I am going to be alone forever but I am comforted to know that I am surround by friends and family that love me.
• I hate being wrong. Even when proven wrong I have been know to continue arguing because I am just sure I can prove my point.
• I have high standards. I hold everyone to them even when they are not fair or just and I do judge.
• I am an amazing friend. If you need help, a shoulder or someone to listen I am always there. I expect the same from my friends.

I am not perfect. I have a lot of flaws. The list above isn't all encompassing but it is a snap shot of what makes me - me.

I am beautifully different.

Community

Prompt: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I love the word community. I love being involved.

This is likely why after being in a sorority in college I sought out an organization like Junior League to become involved in. Its a group of like minded women who want to give back in the communities in which they reside.

Transferring leagues when I moved allowed me to get involved and to see the needs of the area and help make an impact. In October I helped build a playground at a local YMCA and in January we will be packing meals for Haiti. Outside of the league but within my community I will help a local fire department with their "Shop with a fireman" program this Thursday. Giving back locally and globally warms the heart.

And you can't beat karma repair.

I have also been overwhelmed this year with the amazing men and women who have supported me through this blog. I wrote the blog to get the thoughts racing through my head out. I wrote to take stress away. I didn't know I would find so much support from a group of people I have never met.

So I tip my hat, raise a glass and any other euphemism to those that have been here for a while:

Everyday Adventures of Me in the City
Fighting 30
I'm Gonna Break Your Heart
Rondamarie

To the ladies that recently found my blog and have commented, echoed my feelings and shared their stories. I appreciate it more than you know. I love reading your adventures, thoughts, celebrating your joy and commiserating in your sorrow. I look forward to what lies ahead.

Hello, Taylor
The Immature Matron
This Broken Heart Has Hope
To Be Determined

To my 3 male readers; I appreciate the male point of view.

To the lurkers who read but don't comment thank you for coming back but don't be shy.

To community. To Support. To 2011.

Make

Prompt: Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

Disclaimer: A gourmet I am not. Nor am I a photographer. I am just a girl in need of a new digital camera who loves to cook.

I was so excited to read this prompt this morning as I made my coffee because today I happen to be making one of my favorite appetizers for a Junior League General Membership meeting. In December the meetings are in-home and the hosts ask that each attendee bring an appetizer to share with the group. Like all good recipes, this is one that I got from a friend and have since shared with many other friends and family members.

Ingredients*
1 package of fake crab meat
1 package English Muffins, cut in half
1 t. Lawry's Seasoning Salt
1 t. minced garlic
1 jar Old English Cheese (Kraft)
5 T Miracle Whip
2 T Butter

*Please note: I am making a double recipe so that is why you are seeing two of everything.

Start by mixing the seasoning salt, minced garlic, Old English cheese, Miracle Whip and butter in a mixing bowl.

Microwave in 30 second intervals until fully melted, stirring between each session.

Add drained crab meat to cheese mixture and mix.

Spray a cookie sheet with Pam and place English Muffins onto sheet. Spray each muffin Pam.

Add the crab and cheese mixture to the muffins.

Until all are evenly coated.

Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes.

Remove from the oven...

 

and Enjoy!

Note to food bloggers everywhere...this picture taking business while cooking is tough stuff. Hats off to Pioneer Woman and Iowa Girl Eats!

So while I on ocassion cook I wish I would do it more. I also wish I would take time to sew. I am hoping with the new house, a kitchen that is mine, windows that need covering; both items will become a priority and a regular occurance.

Let Go

Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

2010 was a rebuilding year for me. So much of my plan came into place and in doing so, set me free of the pain and hurt I had experienced in the prior year.

I let go of hurt.
I let go of fear.

I let go of physical limitations. I moved from the home I shared with MX and moved back closer to my family. I let go of the house and paid MX to take it.

I let go of all the things that tied me to MX.

I let go of the fear of being alone and captured the moments that meant the most to me. The ones that showed me the life I have ahead to lead.

Wonder

Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

2010 has been filled with wonder as nearly every day brought a new decision to make. Life changing decisions. Impactful and meaningful decisions. I changed jobs, moved back home, paid MX to take the houseas and purchased a new home.



I have an extremely analytical personality and even as strong as I was in my convictions I still had to ask myself whether or not I was making the right decision. I spent a lot of time wondering...

Is this the best decision for me?
Is there anything else I should be doing?

The answers always came back yes.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Now I wonder what is next and I am not afraid. I am not scared. I am excited.

I wonder what the future holds and I can't wait to find out.

Moment

I hadn't done this in quite a while.

I was afraid I wouldn't remember how. Nervous. Anxious.

I walked in and was overcome by the smell of sawdust and hay. It was like coming home again.

A barn cat brushed against my legs and purred with contented excitement when I bent down to scratch its soft fur.

There he was.

An overweight lesson horse. A short, fat, half Quarter Horse half Clydesdale.

I rolled my eyes.

This was beneath me. Beneath all I have accomplished. Even if its been a few years.

I haven't done dressage before but I am a reserve Congress champion.

Um, but not in hunt seat, not equitation, not an over fences class. It was Showmanship.

Shouldn't I be on a better more advanced horse?

Hi ego? Dial back in.

But then as I swung my leg over his vast back and put my feet in the irons. I was reminded it truly didn't matter what horse I was on. I just wanted to be on one.

To feel the power between my legs, the rhythm of the gait, the strength of the horses drive.

I was back on the horse and it was like I never got off.

Retraction of Sorts

I read this post and didn't like the snarky way it sounded.

So to clarify why I was laughing at the movie synopsis...

It is my life. People said this would happen. But  I didn't realize it until I read it. Over a year after I heard it.

• My husband had an affair
• I told my friends I was moving home
• They said it my life was going to be like Hope Floats
• I laughed
• I became closer to B
• Until last night I never knew what the one line synopsis of the film was

I never knew it really was my life.

Again, people predicted we would be together before I even knew it would happen.

Yes, B is in part a handyman and while our involvement started before I made the move back home its close enough for hand grenades and horseshoes.

Silence

Redefining boundaries is an adjustment of gigantic proportions and the resulting silence is deafening.

I've written about it before.

It was about him then. It is about him now.

Funny how much of a difference a year makes.

Funny how much it doesn't.

I would laugh at anyone who told me 2 days seemed like years.

But it does.

I told him two weeks ago that anytime a day goes by where we don't talk I have to tell myself that this could be the time I never hear from him again.

He said - You don't ever have to worry about that.

But I do.

I do worry that it is.

I know that it could be.

Two days of silence might as well be two years.

Because now, more than ever, after all that has been said...we may have had our last conversation.

We may have written our final chapter.

An ending with no resolution.

Writing

What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing -- and can you eliminate it?

I've never thought of this place as "my writing." It was just this blog. This thing that I did when I couldn't verbalize the feelings or the pain when MX left.

Over time it has developed into something bigger. Some days it is trivial and meaningless. Some days I hope I inspire someone to keep moving forward, show them that they are not alone, let them know there is hope.

But the one thing I do everyday that does not contribute to my writing...fear judgement.

Over time I have lost my anonymity with the blog. More personal friends and family know about it and at times I don't put everything out there because I fear what they may think. Fear their judgement or that they will interject themselves into a situation.

Not out of spite. Simply out of love.

No malice intended.

There are things I don't talk about, details not given.

Out of fear.

I could stop caring. I could write it all.

I could stop writing. I could let the fear cripple me. Stifle the writing process entirely.

But I won't. I will try to let down my guard and be as open and honest as possible. Let go of the fear of being judged.

Write it all because I am who I am and I cannot apologize for the decisions, right or wrong, that I have made.

They make me uniquely me.

Hope Floats

After learning about her husband's infidelity, a woman returns to her hometown and finds romance with a handyman.

It's a movie synopsis.

It's cheesy.

And you would laugh at it...if it weren't your life.

One Word

One word to describe 2010:

Comeback - a return to a former higher rank, popularity, position, prosperity, etc.

In 2010 I concentrated on getting back to being me. I shed the weight of past, the ideals of being someones something and returned to being me. Returning to the things that brought me joy before, that made me who I am.

I got back on the horse, literally and figuratively.

I moved back to the only place I have ever called home.

I changed jobs and found a new passion for my career all over again.

I took a trip MX would have never allowed.

I am out and about more than I have been in years.

I make decisions every single day that are for me. That emphasize what will make me happy.

I returned to being the person I truly am, not the compartmentalized version someone wanted me to be.

The word that will encompass 2011:

Live - to experience or enjoy life to the full.

I am going to live a life for me in 2011.

I am going to focus on relationships that make me stronger. Encourage and support me.

I am going to live for my dreams. Consciously.

Concentrate my efforts towards the things I hold dear; make my new house a home, travel, get back to showing horses and direct my financial earnings towards those things that matter.

I am not going to be hindered by the events of the past. They are that. In the past.

They do not define me but rather make me who I am.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."



~ Henry David Thoreau