I Agreed

I agreed. I am not sure why I agreed but I did.

And now I think I may throw up.

I agreed to be set up by my friend AMS and her husband.

Apparently one of her husbands co-workers noticed me when I was in their office a while ago. They ran into him last night on a "man date" (at the movies with his other male friend) and she said it clicked.

They want to set us up.

So I agreed. As long as it isn't super awkward setup-ish.

I have no idea how it won't be but I can't back out now.

I have also agreed to the first 5k of the year...May 1.

It will be promptly followed by live horse racing, blackjack playing and Derby watching.

Oh Weekend

I wish weekends were longer. I wish they were 5 days and work weeks were two days.

That would be nice.

But in reality they aren't and until I win the lottery it ain't gonna happen.
This weekend was like my usual weekends - but its just nice to make my own schedule.

Friday was, as per usual, uneventful.

Saturday I cleaned the house and vacated an hour and a half for a showing...and they never came. Seriously people. If you make an appointment to look at a house...show up. Its not hard.

I also realized I had no idea where my license was and needed to make an emergency trip to the DMV to get a new one. Thankfully it was an easy process and the people working were friendly. Unheard of.

I did go out with some friends on Saturday night. It was...fine.

It just wasn't a bar that I like and I wasn't super pumped about going...so it was just an okay night.

One of the biggest challenges to being single is finding ways to entertain myself. I really don't want to spend every weekend in a bar, at 29 I am over it.

So any singles with suggestions on weekend activities...?

Black Eyed Peas

I should have made attending a lot of concerts in 2010 a goal. I would be at rock star status by now and its only March.

If you get the chance to see Black Eyed Peas - do it. Don't question. Just pay the money and go.

Such a fun show.

So much energy.

Its two days later and my legs are still sore from dancing.

It doesn't hurt that its B's favorite...and that he was ridiculously jealous the entire time.

I'm Right

You aren't that one.

We just have issues.

Or apparently we were playing the "shy stubborn game."

Timing is not our strength.

So why don't I just give up and cut you out? Probably a little bit of not wanting to be 100% alone...and a lot of just so much connection.

Sending me a clip of Need You Now playing when you are out? I have never told you that it makes me think of you. Not once.

You Aren't That One

You aren't the one that goes away without a goodbye.

Lord knows we have said a thousand goodbyes. But I guess there are things I will never understand, things you won't let me in on.

Because it turns out. You went away without a warning.

And I miss you. But its your choice.

You know I won't reach out first.

If you wanted to talk I know you have a thousand ways to get a hold of me.

But you must not and I respect that.

I miss you.

But I have to thank you. I have to thank you for making me smile again. For making me feel whole again. For making me laugh.

Those things will always hold a place for you in my heart.

I wish you nothing but happiness because of anyone I know...you deserve it.

When I Wasn't Boring

I decided to not be boring on Saturday.

I decided to not stay home for the second weekend in night in a row on the 3rd weekend in a row.

I went out.

I had fun.

I talked to a stranger, a boy stranger and didn't completely blow him off. For me this is progress.

I felt like I got hit by a freight train on Sunday. A train driven by my good friend JMB.

All in all, it was a success.

Goal: Book 2

I set a goal to read 25 books this year and well...I am a bit behind.

Here is the book 2 review:

L.A. Candy by Lauren Conrad


My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Light easy read. Perfect for a tropical vacation beach read or a snowed in midwest winter!

If you are a Hills fan you will spend a lot of time trying to figure out which characters are Lo, Audrina and Heidi.

View all my reviews >>

I'm Boring

As you know, I am just not very exciting on Friday's.

And this Friday? Well, it is no exception.

I am home. Alone. Well, not entirely alone. There are the 2 dogs and the cat.

I ran/walked 4.25 miles and burned 475 calories (or so my treadmill tells me).

I watched 3 episodes of 24 (Kiefer Sutherland is my number 1 on the list of celebrities I would sleep with. I love him. Accept it).

I've watched countless basketball games and my bracket is fairing decently.

But the point is. I am home. I am not out.

I am boring.

A part of me wishes I were out. Or rather wishes I had a desire to be out.

But the truth is the idea of being out in a bar around here...makes me want to rip my skin off. I'm supposed to go out tomorrow with my best friend.

But really? I don't want to leave my house and go.

Because I am boring.

Theme

I think I should have a theme in 2010.

I have tossed around a lot of ideas. Mostly in my head because I subject you to my verbal diarrhea way too often.

The final verdict?

While I was tempted to steal "My Life. My Terms. My 2010." from a friend I realized you just can't steal someone elses theme.

So my theme...

No more complications in 2010.

Its not catchy. Its not hip. (Does anyone say hip these days?)

Its just the truth.

Everything has been so complicated. Whether it was the divorce, the house (an ongoing battle), a romance that was but wasn't, the moving process - I am just going to try and accept that what will be, will be.

I will stay focused on the vision. But I will do my best to remove myself from complicated and unnecessary situations.

A Little Bit of Good

The good...completed a screening test tonight and hopefully have a phone interview tomorrow. Have a meeting scheduled with a recruiter in a couple weeks...maybe the universe is hating me a little less day by day.

Plus my amazing friend KJ, who will be blessed with twins soon, says I will be swept off my feet by a handsome, wonderful, rich man soon. I think pregnancy hormones are making her loopy but hey - I will take it!

Truth

The truth is sometimes hard to handle.

Sometimes its hard to admit.

But this weekend I admitted it several times.

Not to anyone in particular. Just to my dogs, the cat, because well, they can't judge. Plus I feed them so even if they can judge, they just have to love me anyway.

So while 99.9% of the time I am fine with the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life there is still that .1% of the time that I am not.

Like when I wake up on a lazy weekend morning with no where I have to be at any particular time and there is no one there to share it with me.

When I am laying on the couch watching a movie...

When I have a bad day and there is no one there give me a hug.

Sometimes it just sucks (how is that for eloquence) and for the last week I have been in a woe is me funk.

I know where I want to be, I know what I want. Why can't I get there?

The Universe Hates Me

If I believed in past lives I would have to believe that I was a truly awful person.

I do believe in karma...just not sure what I have done, in this life, for all of this.

It seems the universe does not want me to move forward.

The job I was after...on hold until September.

I haven't talked to B since Tuesday. And if he isn't talking to you...He's Just Not That Into You...right? Or really, aren't we supposed to be just friends? Doesn't that mean it shouldn't bother me? But I am a girl and it does. I've picked up my phone about a thousand times to tell him something but I just set it back down. (Update: its almost as if B reads this because I have now heard from him)

This morning, after jumping out of bed, my female dog would not put weight on her front right leg and winced when I touched it. So we made a trip to the emergency vet. Sprained ligaments in her 3 inside toes.

The swimsuit I want from VS....on back order until July 5th.

Dear Life - all I want is for my house to sell, to find a job in IA and to move with healthy non-limping dogs. Is that really too much to ask?

Seriously? No, Seriously?

I am never letting my sister leave the country again (unless I get to go with her).



The last time she left I got the letter. You know, the letter, letting me know about the affair.



I get home from a business trip tonight (are you seeing the theme here?) and I see a wedding invite addressed to MX.



But it isn't addressed to just him.

Its to him and her.



Seriously.



Now, I have moved on. I am over it, as much as one ever gets over a devastating divorce.



But really? Who does that?



And why does this stuff keep happening to me? Was I just the worlds worst person in a prior life?

Theme Song

AMS asked last night if I had a theme song right now...

I think it is this little ditty from Lady A.

Never Thought I'd Want to be 30

Last night I went with my fabulous friend AMS to dinner at Bristol and then we were off to watch a little bull riding.

So fun. I had a blast. I am not sure if it were more fun watching the bull riding or AMS expressions.

Afterwards there was a free concert with Gretchen Wilson.

I think by now you realize I kinda like concerts.

So we decided to have a drink and watch the concert.

When we were turned away.

Because we were under 30 and they didn't have time to check IDs.

Seriously.

Oh well, we promptly returned to the lodge to drink cold beer and listen to another free concert. The one from my iTouch.

Glamour

Glamour is one of my favorite magazines.

It tends to have good information on beauty, fashion and relationships.

This month they have a variety of covers available (3 covers per magazine and 3 variations or 9 total covers). I received the Amanda Seyfried (Big Love, Mama Mia, Dear John) cover in the silver dress.

When you flip in you see samples of the other covers.

That is when I stopped.

Zoe Saldana (Avatar, Star Trek).

She is quoted as saying - "I want to have more sex, travel more, drink more wine and love life."

Well substitute beer for wine and we may have the same 2010 mantra Ms. Saldana.

Oh Friday

I always have the most amazing Friday's. I don't know what it is about this day that makes me such a homebody.

In truth, I would rather go out on Friday, recover Saturday and rest on Sunday but it never ends up that way.

So tonight's highlight? A Target grocery run, Blackberry Messenger with B, Bud Select and Big Love.

But tomorrow....I'm going to something I asked to do with MX for years. Just more proof that there is life after divorce.

Thank you to my wonderful from AMS for going with even though she has no idea what she is in for!

My Ideal Man

I've been thinking about what it is that I want in a man, you know, aside from the obvious...faithfulness.


I wrote about it here but I want to put together the full wish list.

So...my ideal man:

• drives a truck
• eats his steak medium rare
• can ride a horse
• can fix things
• can cook, especially grill
• owns a gun
• loves dogs
• likes cats
• holds me as if tomorrow won't come
• likes to be outdoors
• looks me in the eye
• republican
• believes in God, but doesn't force his beliefs on anyone
• loves the beach
• likes the mountains
• believes in me
• isn't intimidated by me
• works hard
• is truthful
• calls because he said he would
• calls for no reason at all
• loves my family
• makes me laugh
• makes me smile
• makes me feel like I am the only one in the room, even when its crowded

I could probably keep going but this is what I am now...

Online Dating

Online dating has been a hot topic lately.

I have friends that found their spouse on match.com, a friend who just enrolled there and another whose on eHarmony. I read blogged adventures detailing the people they've met and the tales along the way.

I love hearing about their adventures.

But I don't think it is for me. At least not right now.

I don't think I am above it. Its just not for me right now. For several reasons.

Right now I just don't want a relationship that bad to take the time to review matches, read profiles and go on dates.

I also don't want to feel as though I forced something.

I don't want to start something somewhere I don't plan to be.

If it happens organically I am all for it.

But I am not going for it.

And there is B.

I know that having him in my life keeps me from having open eyes.

Even if I can't have more with him now, even if we are just to be friends. I don't have a chance to be lonely because he's there, regardless of if its not as much as I want it to be. It keeps me from moving on. Because there is still a possibility.

I know it.

He knows it.

Banner Day

1. I passed out at work
2. My boss told me he knows I am looking for new jobs in my home state and he's not happy.

So the passing out thing. Really not that big of a deal. My friend JMB took the bandage off from where the Implanon was implanted and I was fine. There are 2 tiny scabs...tiny.
Not a big deal at all.
About a minute later I was down. I went straight forward into my desk, head landing on my notebook.
Its not a big deal because I do this all the time. I have long had a fainting problem that doctors can't diagnose. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I have passed out in class during college, on dates, at home watching TV and now at work.
Joy.
Fast forward to this afternoon. My boss tells me to come in.
Tells me he has learned that I am looking for a job in IA. That he isn't happy that I didn't tell him. Thought we had a better relationship then that.
I didn't tell him because I knew that would be the reaction I would receive. I didn't want to be treated differently. If he didn't know this far into my search because it wasn't affecting my performance then it shouldn't matter.
I said nothing. I didn't know what to say. When pressed I said, yes, I am looking but have made no final decisions yet.
At this point I am not sure what to say, do.

Maintenance

I don't want children.

This was the crutch MX used as his rationale for starting an affair. Although we had agreed children were not in our future, he changed his mind.

But for me this hasn't changed.

As a single girl, whose not in a relationship the truth is...taking birth control everyday or weekly via a patch is depressing. Its a constant reminder that its not necessary.

So today I went in for the 3 year fix. And while its a little sore Implanon means I don't have to think about it for 3 years.

Fabulous.

But it could be affecting my brain a bit...today I actually looked at an application to be on the Bachelor.