Overwhelming

I'm feeling overwhelmed.

There is just so much going on...

• trying to sell the house
• fighting the annulment
• changes at work at a job I love
• trying to move out of state
• looking for a job out of state and the idea of leaving a job I love

Making my life. The life for me. Its been an ongoing process for the last 15 months since I found out...

I just want to get on with it but I feel like when it happens - its going to be full out, fast moving, struggling to keep up.

Bring it.

My Response

The following is what I have prepared to send to the Tribunal Council in response to the annulment request. It will be sent along with the 20 questions they sent for me to answer, copies of the letters I received informing me of the affair and various other forms of communication in support of the real reason our marriage ended.

It feels like it is all happening again.

To Whom It May Concern:

I received your request for information regarding the petition submitted by my former husband to annul our marriage. I adamantly oppose this request based upon the reason submitted. Our marriage didn’t end because I did not want children. Our marriage ended because my husband had a 6 month affair with a woman named (withheld because I choose to take the highroad) whom he chose to leave me for. They are still together today.

We married for the right reasons; we were in love and wanted to plan a life together. MX changed his mind.

I met MX the first time on March 1st, 2003. We spoke briefly and he made an impression as I did on him. We ran into each other nearly a month later on March 29th and he said this time he wasn’t going to let me get away. He insisted I agree to go on date with him the next day, March 30th. I agreed and we were soon inseparable. We were blissfully happy for 3 months when we hit a rough patch and separated for a week. We soon realized that we didn’t want to be without one another and reconciled. We didn’t want to be apart from one another again.

On August 26th, 2004 MX asked me to marry him. I had never been happier. We had attended church together often and I was confident that the Catholic Church was where we wanted to be married. I went through Catholic education classes and converted to Catholicism during Easter 2005. We married on August 20th, 2005 at Cathedral of Immaculate Conception with our friends and family present. This became the best day of my life. I married the most amazing man I had ever met, I married my best friend.

Like many young marriages we had our ups and downs. But I never doubted my husband. I knew I had found the partner I would spend my life with.

On August 18th, 2008 my husband came to me and said that he wanted children. While it wasn’t an idea that was at the top of my agenda I listened to what he had to say. From there we developed a three year plan. The plan was developed to meet both of our needs; we were to save $10,000 for emergencies, if this was accomplished by the summer of 2009 I would purchase a horse to show (a lifelong passion) and in April of 2010 we begin trying for a child to be born, God willing in 2011. We both agreed to this plan. Together.

On February 11th, 2009 my world changed forever. Upon my return from a business trip I received a letter. The letter stated that my husband was having an affair. That it had been going on for several months. That her name was (damn highroad).

I was in shock but my first instinct was to think that it was not true. That is was simply an unkind act from a jealous stranger. I called my husband and told him about the letter. He didn’t deny it. He said that it was true. That he loved her.

He told me that on August 16th 2008, while I was on a trip with my mom, he ran into her. That he had known her during undergrad and had always had intense feelings for her. The same night he ran into her at a bar in Kansas City, he went home with her. Three days later he told me he wanted kids and we made a plan. On the 20th we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary.

On the 21st he called her and started their full blown affair.

Even after I learned of the affair I wanted to save my marriage. I do not believe in divorce. He told me he wanted to fight for our marriage. We went to counseling. I knew we would make it.

On February 28th, my birthday, he moved out. He said he couldn’t take it anymore. That he needed to leave. I begged him not to go.

On March 12th as we were preparing to head to a counseling appointment he asked for a divorce. I was devastated. I told him he was making a mistake. That he was being irrational.

He left anyway and I went home to be with my family. He wanted to talk on Sunday about filing for divorce and who would get what. But that Sunday, on the 15th he said he made a mistake. He said that a divorce wasn’t what he wanted and that if we could get through this he wanted to renew our vows in Italy. I asked to continue counseling. He refused.

Later in the month after checking our cell phone bill I found that he was still talking to her. I confronted him about it and he admitted that not only had he spoken with her over the phone but that he had seen her and slept with her. I asked if he could stop and truly commit to saving our marriage. He said he could and that he wanted to.

By April 5th he had changed his mind again. He wanted a divorce. This time he didn't change his mind.

This is what MX wanted and he should be held accountable for his actions. The marriage should not be annulled and it was not invalid. He chose to leave. He chose to end his marriage because of his lust for another woman. I believed in him and planned a life with him. That should not be erased.

Book 4

The Washingtonienne: A Novel by Jessica Cutler


My rating: 4 of 5 stars
I really liked this book, whose author was in a similar situation in 2004. She is brazen, raunchy and a lot delusional. But I loved every minute of it up until the end. The end is what kept me from giving this 5 stars. It was disappointing and left me wondering what really happened. But I guess, as was likely the authors intent, its the perfect ending that requires a sequel.

View all my reviews >>

I Shouldn't Be Shocked

I keep thinking that nothing MX does will surprise me. That I can no longer be shocked. That anything should be expected.

But today I received a new one-two punch.

I received a request for a response from the Marriage Tribunal Council of the Catholic Church. MX has petitioned the tribunal and asked that our marriage be annulled or essentially voided. The reason he gave for our marriage to be annulled because I did not want children.

Not because he was a lying cheating bastard. Not because he chose to be with her. To leave me, his wife, for her.

Because I did not want children.

No mention of the three year plan we developed when he came to me on August 18th, 2008 and told me that out of the blue he had decided he wanted children. One where we both agreed to start trying for a baby in April 2010.

None of that was mentioned.

He just laid the blame solely on my shoulders and asks for zero accountability for his actions.

Well, I am sorry. You should be held accountable sir and I have every intention of doing so.

I love this quote, it's exactly what I am trying to do.

 

"They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." -- Andy Warhol.

Book 3 in 2010

The Ex-Mrs. Hedgefund by Jill Kargman


My rating: 2 of 5 stars
I have liked the authors other books but this one was just...so forced. I stuck with it but just wasn't enamored with it like I generally am when I read a book. The best part of the book? The end where she gives the insights one what certain characters are now up to. So skip reading the whole book, go straight for the back and call it a day.

View all my reviews >>

The Date

I went.

I didn't throw up.

But there was no spark.

We had a nice dinner and good conversation followed by drinks at a bar. All I could think was please don't try and kiss me.

After the bar we watched a movie. We both fell asleep on the couch (its a big sectional). Lots of space between us.

He's a really nice guy, who does drive a truck and eats his steak medium rare but I just don't feel it.

So if he asks for a second date I would consider it.

But if he didn't call I would be fine with that too.

Only Me

Only I would be headed to Phoenix when a cold front is headed in.

Today? 88 and sunny.

Tomorrow through Friday? Mid 60's.

Saturday, the day after I leave? 88 and sunny.

My new swimsuit? Not needed.

Those afternoons the conference has carved out for free time at the pool? Unnecessary.

Sad is an understatement.

Shaving A Second

I told myself I needed to get up and run this morning since I hadn't gotten on the treadmill since Friday.

I got up.

Late.

With a stuffy nose.

So I let the dogs out, fed them, found my allergy drugs and realized I had about 15 minutes to run.

Not a problem - I will push myself and run a mile.

And I shaved a measly second off my last 1st mile time. But its a second and I am more than happy to keep shaving them off. It is progress after all.

I Have A Date

I have a date.

A real date.

A date on Saturday at a restaurant I selected.

I haven't been on a date in over seven years.

I have never been on a blind date.

And I have certainly never had a blind date pick me up.

I may throw up. I am worried that my overall lack of enthusiasm for the set-up will radiate through me all evening.

I want to give it a fair shot. I know I should.

Ridiculous

I had an amazing time at AC/DC.

Then I return home and my yard is partially cut. Partially. Like a couple laps around the front yard.

You see my fabulous ex-husband has been too busy or "ill" to take care of his one responsibility. So he hires an irresponsible high school kid to do it who quit part way through.

Why do things like this surprise me? Why am I shocked that he can't handle one freaking thing?

I am not interested in your pathetic excuses. Its dumb.

I just want the house to sell.

200th Post

I wish for my 200th post I had something more relevant to blog about. Something compelling. Some big announcement or progress in the starting over journey.

But really, 200 isn't anything more than 199 or 135.

Its a milestone sure.

You have stuck with me As I have stuck to documenting the ups and downs. Much like a toddler I am slowly learning to walk again or to navigate single land. And I am finding I kind of like it. I like not having to worry about finding out whether or not someone else wants to do what I do, or where they want to eat or the movie they want to see. Its nice to be able to do what I want, when I want.

So this is another post. Like the others; about me, my life and moving forward...

I think I have established my total disdain for Friday's. Tonight was much like the rest of them.

I tanned. I ran 2.1 miles and shaved more time off. Mile 1 was 19 seconds faster at 12:22 and mile 2 was done in 13:20. So I am getting there. Slowly but surely I am getting there.

And then I started cleaning. Followed by more cleaning. Who knew you could work up a sweat just by mopping your hard woods?

Now its time for rest. In bed before 10 and up at 5:45 a.m. tomorrow. I am off to host the Kids in the Kitchen event for Junior League before making the trek north for the AC/DC concert.

Permission

Today the boy that my friends want to set me up with , who FB friended me last week, asked for my number and if he could call me and ask me on a date.

So being good friends they asked if I were fine with that.

And I said yes. And then I wanted to throw up. Why do I have this sudden urge to throw up all the time?

Why do I have so many questions?

How long will he wait to call?
What does that tell me about him?
I have plans to go home 6 out of the next 8 weekends, is he going to think I am blowing him off?
Is it dumb to go on a date with someone in a city I don't plan to stay in?
When he asks me out, do I let him pick me up? Or do I meet him there?
What if its horrible?
What if its great?
What do I wear?
Do I tell B about the date? We are just friends, so wouldn't I tell a friend? Or would I only be telling him and hoping for a reaction?

I think I like being single. Its less complicated. Or at least I like it when the date comes together naturally. This just seems so awkward.

But I know its good to get back on the horse. To get out there, outside my comfort zone and start something new.

I May Very Well Be Crazy

Agreeing to run a 5k on May 1 is making me feel a little crazy.

First of all I am the slowest somewhat thin girl on the planet. Promise. Like each time I run there are old people, and I mean like 80+, that finish ahead of me. Obese people (yea for them for getting out there!), cancer survivors (I run the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure each year), women with strollers and even small children.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay ahead of me.

So I am training again on my own made up plan. On Monday it took me 43:25 to do 3.1.

See! I told you I was slow.

Tonight I was off to a great start.

I finished the first mile in 12:41. I was pumped.

And then, and then...I started coughing, choking, coughing and finally...I threw up. I threw up the gosh darn mucus that resides in my throat because of the joys of spring.

So what did I do? I cowboy'd up.

And away I went.

Puking and all I finished at 41:28 which is 13:32/mile. Had I of not puked I really think I would have been well under 40 minutes.

The May 1 goal is 35 minutes total.

Wish me luck.

Spring, You Kill Me

I love spring, like want to wrap it up and hug it all day long. Love it.

I love the warm days, cool nights, thunderstorms, springtime smells...

I HATE allergies. I hate pollen. I hate flowers. I hate all the things that make me want to rip my eyeballs out of my head and do a Mexican hat dance upon them.

That is the part of spring that I can't handle.

As much as I enjoy the uber low electric and gas bills I can't help but wish for summer when the allergen counts become tolerable while I sit on a boat, beer in hand and the AC keeping my house cool and refreshing.

Things

Sometimes things get in the way.
Sometimes life gets in the way.
Family gets in the way.
Friends get in the way.

Sometimes you look up and you don't know how you got here. Or where you have been.

A lot has happened in the last couple weeks. People have asserted their opinions and themselves into situations in which I wish they hadn't. While I know their intentions are to protect me its not for them to do. I have said my peace and I think its fine. Its just a balance. A balance in learning that when I move home this is a way of life.

MX told me last Wednesday he couldn't mow because he had a hernia. I made arrangements for someone else to do it. By Friday the "hernia" was better and he mowed on Saturday.

Saturday was the Reba and Mr. George Strait concert. It was classic.

We had the exterior of the house painted over the weekend. Just trying to do what we can to make it as perfect as possible for future buyers.

Today we received a refund check from the escrow account and learned that the mortgage payment went down. The one positive to the real estate market being in the toilet.