Knowing What You Want

During my recent trip to Denver my best friend and I were able to hang out with two friends (one guy - W, one girl, K) from high school. It was so fun. We went out in downtown Denver, boated in Frisco, walked around Breckenridge...just what I needed.

W was asking us all weekend what we wanted in a guy (why does this seem to be a theme). We each scratched our heads and tried to list some things we thought were important; a guy needed to make us laugh, smile, feel safe. There were also some things that were non-essentials; I want to date someone who can drive a stick shift, eats his steak medium rare and knows how to jump start a car.

But my best friend and I have continued to come up with new things we would add to our lists and a couple of days ago it dawned on me.

It was a country song. I want a relationship like Nitty Gritty Dirt Bands "Fishin in the Dark."

Comfort, no pretenses.

Things Change

I met with MS2BX today, with my attorney, and had our asset agreement notarized. A week from today the divorce will be final.

My attorney met me outside the office building and said that MS2BX was being extremely rude to him and the office staff. He looked like he hadn't slept in days, weeks even. It is weird. He has completely changed. He isn't the man I married. He isn't even a shell of that man.

When I got home from work I saw his sister. The one who used to be one of my best friends. She was friendly. But it was awkward. One of my former nephews was in the car, L, it was weird. He has grown so much. Its only been six months since I saw him last but to him I will never be more than a memory. If even that.

But I didn't cry. I didn't get upset. Its just the past and I am looking forward to my future.

Inspiration

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."- Aristotle

"Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will." - Jawaharal Nehru

"After the game,the king and the pawn go into the same box." - Italian Proverb

"The best way to prepare for life is to begin to live." - Elbert Hubbard

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it." - Yogi Berra

So Much Has Changed

As I slowly dip a toe into the dating waters so to speak I have learned that in six years a lot of things have changed.

Like text messaging. Six years ago we didn't text message. The only form of communication I really had to worry about was whether or not MS2BX called or maybe, just maybe sent an email. Now you flirt via text? How does that work? Don't you need facial expressions, voice inflection and hand gestures?

But now phone calls are our parents letters which have been replaced by emails and texts. Of course...then there is Facebook.

Facebook is like its own little world. There you have IM's, emails, wall posts...A LIKE BUTTON! Constant status updates...you find out that people actual read your page. Want to see what you are doing. Look at your pics...

I don't know that I am cut out for this world! Its mobile sensory overload.

I don't know how to do this dating thing. I even remember in my formerly happy married world being happy I had found my person so I didn't have to deal with these things.

So tell me, how does one deal with this stuff as they re-enter the dating world (never having been good at it to begin with)?

Truly Starting Over

I didn't think it would be possible to ever be interested in someone again. But I think I am. Of course its not without complications all of its own.

But I keep questioning myself. Is it too soon? Or is it time? Is it inappropriate to move on? If so, why? MS2BX has...

But I know this; we have fun and he makes me laugh.

Heading Home

I can't wait to go home for the weekend.

To quote a Jason Michael Carroll song:

"...where the trucks are Ford and the tractors green."

If I could be anywhere its home.

Going to the spa, a wedding, hanging out with my favorite people...

I am trying to get back there. One day at a time.

Acceptance

I believe that I have finally accepted the end of my marriage; partly due to my fabulous 4th of July weekend and partly because I have realized that my feelings just truly don't matter to MS2BX.

So now I wonder; when is it appropriate to move on? How do you know? Obviously my husband (and Jon Gosselin) thought it was appropriate to do so before even letting me know we were in trouble...

But when will I be ready? How will I know?

I Have Found My Breaking Point

I spent the last 4 days in Denver with my best friend. It was a great trip.

MS2BX spent that same amount of time at our one time home. I appreciate him staying here so that the dogs didn't have to be boarded.

But ladies & gentlemen we have located my breaking point.

Today I got an email from MS2BX telling me all the things that he did to the house while I was away. I asked if he were letting me know what he was up to or if he were trying to infer I wasn't doing a good job. He said that he wasn't inferring anything, he simply wanted me to know what he had done.

I appreciated that. Or at least the part of me that is trying to be a bigger person did.

Sure some of it annoyed me but I tried to concentrate on the gesture.

Then I got home.

I looked at the hideous fake flowers that he and his sister placed in the master bedroom. They are colors that are not found in my house. I am just not a country blue and yellow kind of girl.

Haven't seen the breaking point yet?

The smallest hideous arrangement was contained in a vase that says:

Family. Dream. Love.

Seriously. I can't make this up. Who would do that?

I just want this over with. I want the house to sell. I want to be done. I want my life back.

Things Like This Make Me Regress

MS2BX is staying at our house this weekend while I travel to Colorado with my best friend. We are driving her grandmother out to stay with her family for a few weeks, hanging out with high school & college friends in Denver for a few days, and then flying home on Monday.

Since he is staying there for the first time since I found out he was still with her, I reminded him that I did not want her in our house.

His response?

“I don’t think you need to worry about that…she wouldn’t want to come here…not that I would want her to.”

Um, am I supposed to think more of her because she wouldn’t dream of coming into my home when she didn’t have an issue sleeping with my husband?

Or was he thinking I was going to think more of him because he is thoughtful enough to not bring her into our home?

Let me make it clear; it is not scoring either of them any bonus points in my book.

Inspiration

More Facebook finds.

Disclaimer: the person who has these in their profile didn't list the authors. So, should you know they should be attributed to please post a comment and I will update asap!

"Sometimes it takes a bad choice on someone else's part to make you realize they made the best decision for you."

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

“There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will. So don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason they didn’t make it to your future”

"As we grow up we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will, you'll have your heart broken probably more than once and it’s harder every time, you'll break hearts too so remember how it felt when yours was broken, you'll fight with your best friend, you'll blame a new love for things an old one did, you'll cry because time is passing too fast and you'll eventually lose someone you love. Just as we think things couldn't become more complicated they do. So take too many pictures, laugh too much and love like you've never been hurt because every minute you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."
“You can't change who people are without destroying who they were.”

Keeping up the Positive

MS2BX came over tonight to mow. I didn't know he was coming.

Rather that stew and fret about the fact he was outside I did something way more productive; I laced up my sneakers and went for a run. It wasn't a very good run as I haven't been very consistent. Plus there was the immense amount of fun I had over the 4th. But it was a run.

Going for a run is a positive thing. Its good for me not only physically but mentally as well. It also signals that I am getting stronger. Before this past weekend I would have hid somewhere in the house and cried.

But I am not going to do that anymore. I am going to focus on all the things I can do now.

It doesn't mean that I love him any less or that it doesn't still hurt and in someways if I could change everything I would...but it does mean that I have accepted it.

I know my life has changed.

What lies ahead is what I can make of it.

I will never again be in a relationship that doesn't love all parts of me; the girl from the acreage who is fine with cleaning stalls or meeting multi million dollar quotas. You can't compartmentalize yourself forever and I won't do it again.

A New Outlook

I headed to Clear Lake for the 4th of July expecting two things:

1. To drink a lot of beer
2. To spend time on a boat

What I didn't expect was to have an epiphany.

Last night as I sat in a boat (see expectation 2) , beer in hand (see expectation 1) watching fireworks with my childhood best friend I realized I am okay. In fact at that very moment I realized I was happy.

Happy.

I was doing things MS2BX would have never been up for; camping (in a camper, not in a tent - I am not that tough), boating and just simply hanging out.

Happy Independence Day.

Time for Me

The house is clean.

My bags are packed.

The cooler is stocked.

The furry kids have pet sitter arrangements.

I am off to the lake for what I hope to be a few days of fun with family and friends.

Dear Nail Salon Owner

Thank you for fixing my broken thumb nail today. I appreciate it very much.

I love the way you say my name as I enter your store like you are welcoming an old friend home when really you are just interested in my pocketbook. I love that my patronage is recognized and that I never have to wait for service.

But is it really necessary to ask me when my husband and I are going to have kids? Especially when my hand is in yours as you shape my nail back into the right shape. The hand that should have a ring on it but no longer does.

Perhaps being a little more observant might be a good idea.

Sincerely,

StartingOver@28