Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone.

Or Happy Holidays.

Or if you don't celebrate today...I wish you a happy day!

Adventures from Home

I am home for the holidays and am so happy to be here. I am staying here until January 3rd.

I know I am not going to have any desire to leave...

The following story is true and accurate. I swear it just happened. Like 10 minutes ago just happened...

My sister and I are making holiday treats, you know. Chex Mix and a hodgepodge of dips that involve things like cream cheese.

Lots of cream cheese.

She needs to know if there is bowling tonight. Because in rural America you join a bowling league.

I can't wait to join a bowling league.

No, seriously, can't wait.

So she tries to call the owner of the bowling alley to find out if they are going to have league because the weather is sketchy at best.

"Do you suppose the random Patti in my phone is the Patti I need?"

Sure I say!

So she dials, says who she is and asks who she just called...

NOT the Patti she needs.

Her response?

"Oh well, I really hope you have a Merry Christmas but I was hoping you were someone else. Happy Holidays!"

Hangs up the phone and promptly deletes that Patti from her phone.

What I Was Supposed To Do vs. Reality

This weekend I was supposed to:

• See a movie with JMB
• Get my eyebrows waxed
• Do my Christmas shopping and buy a special little girls first birthday gift
• Get my nails done
• Clean my house
• Attend a holiday party
• Organize my closet

Reality:

• Saw the movie
• Got my eyebrows waxed
• Went to the holiday party
• Laid on the couch. A lot. Not moving.

So when am I going to get all of this other stuff done? Um, going to have to be by Thursday because Friday I head home. Time to see my family, celebrate the special ones first birthday and see the one who makes me laugh and makes me smile.

Worst Day. In Along Time

Its been a long time since I have been a wreck. A long time.

Months even.

But today I had.

MX changed his mind. Again.

Shouldn't be surprising. Should be expected.

I wish I had gotten mad.

I wish I had been vindictive.

I wish I could hurt you like you hurt me.

But I can't.

I just play nice for the sake of being the better person. Because I believe in being the better person.

I don't want to stoop to your level.

I am better than that.

Stop Changing Your Mind

First MX wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
Then he didn't.

Then he wanted a divorce, then he didn't and then he did.

I offered him the house. He didn't want it.

It will sell.
But it didn't.

So MX asked what it would take for me to walk away or what I would give him.
Take the house. I will go away. Just like I offered before.

So now when he doesn't think he will get approved for an assumption because he doesn't want to refi and pay closing costs he has the audacity to ask if I will move out.

If I will move in with family or friends.

Um, hi? I have no family in the area. And no friends to crash with when I have 2 dogs and a cat. There was a reason we decided I would stay here.

Stop changing your mind. I tried to talk to you about this before the divorce was final. We made a decision. Stick with it.

I just want this over with. I want to be able to move on 100%.

Where I Want To Be

The inability to plan is driving me batty.

I am a planner by nature. Not knowing where I am going in the immediate future is horrible!

I know where I want to go and where I want to be. Just can’t quite seem to get there.

Having the house with MX, still, is not fun. I've moved on but then I can't move on completely...yet.

I am trying to get there, home. But I can't. Because there is still this house. And this thing I need to find near home...J-O-B.

But I want/need to be there. Soon.

Being Happy

I am happy.

I have fun. I go where I want when I want.

Vegas before Thanksgiving? Sure! Keno at breakfast? Picking a slot machine to play while eating your breadsticks based on the size of its ledge (for easier eating of course) - normal!

Spending time with my family at the holiday. Not having to be anywhere else or worry about anyone else...amazing. A truly stress free holiday.

It doesn't make anything that happened less painful or less real. But maybe everyone was right. It happened for a reason. Maybe it is better that it happened now and not when we were older. He wasn't the person I thought he was and certainly wasn't the man I loved.

I deserve better than that.

Right now, in this moment, I am happy.