Coming Full Circle

Two years ago I prepped for a trip not knowing what it would bring. What I didn't realize was that it would bring clarity.

The trip that would help me truly begin to move on, to begin my life again. 

I found acceptance in where my life stood. I wondered if I was ready to move on?

It was on that trip that B came into my life and has stayed on some level ever since. Even when we have tried to not be.

He made me believe in myself. He made me laugh. He made me smile again. He showed me everything I want in a man. For that I will always be grateful.

Maybe two years later we will actually get the closure we both need. Whether we really want it or not. It is one of those inevitable things you cannot avoid forever.

Until the day we are content enough to only be friends.

Don't Call it a Comeback

Two posts in two days does not a comeback make.

I appreciate everyone who shared their thoughts, well wishes and tales of commiseration.

I know I am not on this path alone and for that I am thankful.

I just can't help but be a bit envious of some. One girlfriend was barely single a day. Had many guys throwing themselves at her and one ended up being, at least for now, the one.

Two other friends who divorced just prior to me; remarried.

Another friend, so busy on trips to visit boys who fly her out to see them.

And yet, I can't find one.

I love the life I have. I am not curled in a ball crying about my poor, poor pitiful life. I just actually want someone else with me to enjoy it.

I do love being able to eat what I want and when I want. That I don't have to run trip plans past anyone. That the only approval I have to seek is that of my own.

But still. I want that person. The one that I call when things go well. Or when they don't. A warm smile. Lazy Sundays curled up.

I also want B gone.

I also want B to never to leave.

So it makes things hard. Because being a walking contradiction is tiring.

I just want something. Someone quality.

Consider this a tale in what I don't want:

Last night a guy came up and tried to hit on me. His breath was so bad I literally jerked back in reaction to the smell. He later bought me a beer. And mind you this is after I played softball in the rain. I was a hot mess looking like a drowned rat. Standing outside the local watering hole his friends piped up to ask my two friends if I had a boyfriend. The one knew I would not be interested and said that I did. The other, not catching on, says no. The boys say which is it. I shrug to which the original pursuer says - Guess she was just after a free drink.

No. Actually I wasn't. You sought me out. I declined. You bought me a beer anyway and kept trying.

Not what I want.

Absence

I haven't written in a while and honestly just thought that I wouldn't again.

I felt my time here had been served. There is nothing new to tell.

In truth, I feel stuck.

Stuck in the fact that I have not managed to formally move on in the sense of a new relationship. I'm still here. Still single. Still no one interested in me.

Yes, I make it difficult. I have a tendency to be closed off, unapproachable at times.

A defense mechanism at its best.

But it's within reason. People I am not and will not ever be interested in. Men aged 50+. Those acting like total jack@$$es and thinking their "hit on" techniques are cute.

I don't want that.

I want something specific.

But recently I have been trying to make peace with the fact that this may be it.

Perhaps my purpose going forward is to be alone.

And that isn't what I want.

I want someone. I don't want to have to do everything alone all the time.

I think about things, doing things, buying things and I wish that I had a someone to do them with.

I don't want to be the girl who is always doing it on her own.

Can I?

Yes.

But that isn't the life I want to live.

But here I am...Two years plus of being single. Alone.