I watched Julie & Julia tonight. My motivation was simple.
Its Friday. I do nothing on Friday's.
The movie is about a blog. I have a blog.
So I watched and I was frustrated.
The first instance occurred when Julia Child's husband told the story of knowing he was in love with her. Something flashed across her face and I instantly thought that story wasn't theirs. That he was telling the story of him with someone else. But this apparently misguided feeling never panned out. So why am I always so pessimistic? Am I always going to think that things can't possibly end well? That no couple can ever truly be happy?
The second instance was in watching Julie put her husband on the back burner. I don't know why it seems that movies never portray a woman who can balance. Perhaps the film didn't portray her that way because she in fact could not balance her relationship and the blog in her life. But that too frustrated me.
Julie's blog seemed to have such a profound effect on her life. Why is it that I write this? It makes me feel better, yes. It has been rather cathartic through the last 18 months. But is it relevant? Does it really matter? Am I ever going to figure out what I am going to be when I grow up?
I love being home. I love that I am starting over in a new place. But yet I feel like I am stuck in quicksand. So close to being out and yet stuck.
I know some of it will come with time. Like when the house with MX sells. I just wish I knew when that was. I wish I wasn't waiting for something to happen. Still. 18 months later.
My brother in law joked that the next time I buy furniture that needs assembled I better have a boyfriend. I know he meant it in jest. But even though 99% of the time I am fine being alone, that 1% of the time, when I have to ask him for help...I wish for that too.