If It Is What He Wants...

According to the August issue of Cosmopolitan magazine Justin Timerblake says "The Sexy Confidence Guys Love" involves the following:

• Don't Give a Damn. Uh...I have this mastered. In fact, my friends say this makes me unapproachable but JT says desirable...
• Tell an X-rated joke. I've got this mastered and the dirty mouth to boot. I consider this a personal weakness but again...if JT loves it...
• Know your style. In my late 20's and now early 30's I think I am finally finding my way with this one. I am not a fashionista but you won't find me on a worst dressed list either.
• Try Anything Once. Aside from certain foods - game on.
• Let Him Do All The Work. As much as I enjoy taking control I love it more when its the guy who knows what he wants and goes for it.
• Own Your Emotions. Ha. Check.
• Be a Babe Among Boys. I am a guys girl personified.
• Call Him Out. Again, check.

So, my question today -

If the above is what JT wants anybody want to hook me up?

But maybe what I should be asking is -

If the above is true...why do I have zero luck in the dating world?

Why

Why don't things work out for you two?
Why?
Why?
Why don't you walk away?
That question I can answer.
Texts at 5:43 a.m. telling me to have a good flight (at 6 a.m.) make it impossible.
For me.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

A Miss

Over the 4th I had a fabulous weekend.

It was reminiscent of the first weekend I spent at this lake. The weekend that brought me B.

He's still there by the way. I don't know that anyone expected that he wouldn't.

In 3 days I was on 3 different boats.

Day 1 the Roy boat.
Day 2 the J boat.
Day 3 the G boat.

Roy & J tie up together.

On Day 2 the Roy boat had a boy on it I had never met.

We shall call him Farmer.

Farmer introduced himself to me.

Day goes on.

Farmer asks what my story is.

I ask what he means.

Single? Boyfriend? Love of your life?

I laugh and say no, just simply single.

We chat.

He gets called away.

The J boat has to go home.

That evening a girl from the Roy boat mentions that I should date Farmer. She says we are the same age, both single and she thinks we would get along well.

Later as the outdoor bar is closing and I am headed to bed I see Farmer again. He gets a big smile on his face and says hi to me. But we are headed in opposite directions.

No worries I think. I will surely run into him tomorrow. But the G boat doesn't tie up with the Roy or the J. 

Oh there is always FB, I will friend him.

But he is not on FB.

So I suppose, if its meant to be I will run into him with the Roy boat crew once again.

Overachieved

At 18 I graduated high school and entered college as a sophomore.
At 21 I graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Business Administration with a concentration in Marketing and started my first sales job.
At 22 I received my first professional promotion.
At 23 I was engaged and purchased my first home.
At 24 I received my Masters in Business Administration and was married.
At 25 I purchased my second home.
At 26 I became a sales manager responsible for the development of various sales peoples careers and an annual business plan that meant hundreds of millions of dollars of revenue.
At 27 I thought I had the most perfect, well established life.
At 28 I discovered my husband had an affair and we divorced.
At 29 I moved back to my home area while simultaneously advancing my career and purchased my 3rd and likely forever home.

Do you see why at 30 I wonder if I have anything left to do in life?

Or is this it?

Have I achieved all that I have to achieve? Am I on the downward slope?

I'm not complaining. I've had a pretty cool life and with that some pretty crappy happenings. But that is what makes it life. Not a fairy tale.

But tonight I wonder what is next?

Coming Full Circle

Two years ago I prepped for a trip not knowing what it would bring. What I didn't realize was that it would bring clarity.

The trip that would help me truly begin to move on, to begin my life again. 

I found acceptance in where my life stood. I wondered if I was ready to move on?

It was on that trip that B came into my life and has stayed on some level ever since. Even when we have tried to not be.

He made me believe in myself. He made me laugh. He made me smile again. He showed me everything I want in a man. For that I will always be grateful.

Maybe two years later we will actually get the closure we both need. Whether we really want it or not. It is one of those inevitable things you cannot avoid forever.

Until the day we are content enough to only be friends.

Don't Call it a Comeback

Two posts in two days does not a comeback make.

I appreciate everyone who shared their thoughts, well wishes and tales of commiseration.

I know I am not on this path alone and for that I am thankful.

I just can't help but be a bit envious of some. One girlfriend was barely single a day. Had many guys throwing themselves at her and one ended up being, at least for now, the one.

Two other friends who divorced just prior to me; remarried.

Another friend, so busy on trips to visit boys who fly her out to see them.

And yet, I can't find one.

I love the life I have. I am not curled in a ball crying about my poor, poor pitiful life. I just actually want someone else with me to enjoy it.

I do love being able to eat what I want and when I want. That I don't have to run trip plans past anyone. That the only approval I have to seek is that of my own.

But still. I want that person. The one that I call when things go well. Or when they don't. A warm smile. Lazy Sundays curled up.

I also want B gone.

I also want B to never to leave.

So it makes things hard. Because being a walking contradiction is tiring.

I just want something. Someone quality.

Consider this a tale in what I don't want:

Last night a guy came up and tried to hit on me. His breath was so bad I literally jerked back in reaction to the smell. He later bought me a beer. And mind you this is after I played softball in the rain. I was a hot mess looking like a drowned rat. Standing outside the local watering hole his friends piped up to ask my two friends if I had a boyfriend. The one knew I would not be interested and said that I did. The other, not catching on, says no. The boys say which is it. I shrug to which the original pursuer says - Guess she was just after a free drink.

No. Actually I wasn't. You sought me out. I declined. You bought me a beer anyway and kept trying.

Not what I want.

Absence

I haven't written in a while and honestly just thought that I wouldn't again.

I felt my time here had been served. There is nothing new to tell.

In truth, I feel stuck.

Stuck in the fact that I have not managed to formally move on in the sense of a new relationship. I'm still here. Still single. Still no one interested in me.

Yes, I make it difficult. I have a tendency to be closed off, unapproachable at times.

A defense mechanism at its best.

But it's within reason. People I am not and will not ever be interested in. Men aged 50+. Those acting like total jack@$$es and thinking their "hit on" techniques are cute.

I don't want that.

I want something specific.

But recently I have been trying to make peace with the fact that this may be it.

Perhaps my purpose going forward is to be alone.

And that isn't what I want.

I want someone. I don't want to have to do everything alone all the time.

I think about things, doing things, buying things and I wish that I had a someone to do them with.

I don't want to be the girl who is always doing it on her own.

Can I?

Yes.

But that isn't the life I want to live.

But here I am...Two years plus of being single. Alone.