On Edge

For the last two weeks I have felt like I have been on the edge. I am normally calm and collected almost to a fault. I don't let things get to me.

Sure, in the aftermath of finding about the affair I had a lot of emotional distress.

But this is different.

This is fear.

Unease.

Fear.

Stress.

Am I doing the right thing? Have I made the right decisions? Is it going to work out?

My friend told me I sounded like a crazy person because only a select few know. So when I talk about the stress it seem unwarranted. But for right now...it has to be that way.

I know that it is. Its just change. I mean, even the psychic told me to keep pushing forward and going after what I want. She said that if I believed it was what I wanted then it was the direction I was meant to go.

Deep breathe.

Deep breathe.

This is going to be okay.

Book Review: Spin

Spin: A Novel by Robert Rave


My rating: 2 of 5 stars
It should be a relief to read a book with a male lead who is as awkward and unsure of himself and his abilities with the opposite sex as the typical female character. But it just wasn't. It frustrated me. I wanted him to know what he wanted, what he stood for. To not be that guy.

But he was.

And I was annoyed.

It wasn't annoying exactly. Just disappointing. I don't think any girl wants to think that the guy in her life is a neurotic as she is.

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Book Review: The Botox Diaries

The Botox Diaries: A Novel by Lynn Edelman Schnurnberger


My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Loved this book! I read it probably 4 hours. Perfect summer/beach read. I love that the story shows that woman, not only men can experience a mid life crisis.

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Fingers Crossed

Let this come together. I need it.

Today

Today I miss having a someone.

Someone whose face lights up when I walk in the door.


Someone who makes my face light up when I see them as I come through the door.

Someone who gives me a hug when I walk in the door.

Someone who kisses me goodnight.

Someone who squeezes my hand just because.

Someone to curl up beside me as I fall asleep at night.

Its been 16 months since my marriage fell apart and I wouldn't trade the life I have now for the facade I had then. But on days like today, I miss the inherent comfort of knowing I had someone to go home to. But this too shall pass and I am sure I will be back to my normal happily single self once again.

Funny Things About Us Girls

I had drinks with my girlfriends tonight. It was a happy hour meant to celebrate the 30th birthday of one of us. But the conversations we had that started at happy hour and progressed through dinner were nothing short of depressing.

Friends who can't get pregnant.

Friends who aren't happy.

Friends who think their marriage is stressed.

Friends who are in relationships that aren't healthy.

Are we ever happy? If we have what we say we want, is it enough? Would it be enough? Or is there always going to be something not within reach whether its physical, biological or material that we think we are lacking?

The Unexpected #2

I went home this weekend, shocking I know, and unexpectedly crossed another item off the 29 Before 30 list.

That's right. On a beautiful sunny Saturday night I went to an Iowa Cubs game.

And it was boring.

I forgot how much I really don't care for baseball. I spent more time talking with my sister and people watching than enjoying the game.

But it was a beautiful night spent outside. What more can you ask for?

PS - who names their team the Isotopes?

Defining Random

I am pretty sure that if you looked up the definition of random in the dictionary you would find my picture.

Let's look at some recent concerts I have attended as I have been to 10 so far this year.

In April I went to AC/DC.

Last week I went to the 50 Cent concert.

Last night I went to Jewel.

Does it get any more random than that?

It Just Spoke to Me

I am totally stealing this image from a blog I love.

Like TudorCityGirl, I have felt heartbreak.

Probably not for the last time.

This image...it just speaks to me.

Rules to Live By

I got this in a forward today, I am sure we have all seen it before - but I love it.

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt.... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality..

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don 't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2010 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest..

14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

I feel like things are falling into place yet I can't talk about them and that makes it seem like it isn't real.

Its an added stress that has me on edge.

I feel like I am so close.

I feel like its never going to happen.

It just doesn't feel real.

Its feels far away.

Like I have dreamt the reality that I can't have. But I will. Its getting closer.

I just want it to be here.

I want my future.

Book Review: Certain Girls

Certain Girls by Jennifer Weiner


My rating: 5 of 5 stars
I really enjoyed this book. Its an excellent follow-up to Good In Bed and takes you to the heroines life after she has it all; a hit book, marriage to the man of her dreams and the daughter she never knew she wanted but always needed. Great summer read. I recommend!

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Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs

On my way home yesterday 35S was closed.

I think it was a sign I was supposed to stay there.

Stay where I am happy.

Not return to the place where I currently reside.

But instead I bought an Atlas (GPS on my phone just couldn't understand why I wasn't returning to 35S) and found my way around and made it back to the house that won't sell. Since it doesn't seem to want to sell we are now actively marketing it as a lease option. Fingers crossed someone comes along.

Home

I get to home tomorrow. My 3rd weekend in a row.

You would think that I would be dreading the drive.

But I can't wait to get behind the wheel. I just want to be there. NOW.

Like actually live there, now. Not just going to visit.

I want a lot of things. When I wrote this last night I truly believed it, still do.

Just didn't expect B and I to have the conversation that we had.

The same conversation we have had a million times.

The one that ends the same way - so why don't you make it happen?

That is the one question I don't get an answer to. Ever.

But I think I have come to understand that I won't. I'm content with that.

Are You Sure?

I have been asked by several people lately if I am really okay with me and B being friends.

Just friends.

Not friends with benefits. Not dating. Just simply friends.

I would be lying if I said I didn't wish there was something more there for us. But I just don't think its in the cards.

So if the best we have together is an amazing friendship...then I am thankful for that.

I know that if I have a question about setting my life up back home, need advice on a bank or cell phone carrier he will give me a full and complete answer. If I need to tell a stupid story or a joke...he will laugh. If I just need to be a bit of a brat, he calls me on it. He listens to a my people watching comments and finds them funny or points out the more funny incident I missed.

He's there when I need him. Maybe not in the ways that I wish he were.

But you can't force something that isn't there.

So I am thankful and even more grateful for an amazing friend.

#12

I'm trying my hardest to not freak out and get too excited about the people that looked at the house tonight. Its another lease option but its something. Like my realtor said...this is 2 in 3 weeks. Obviously this is supposed to happen. I'm just hoping it happens with these people. It would be such stress relief.

Wait. Aren't we here to talk about #12?

Yes. #12.

I went to the lake for Memorial Day weekend. It was just as much fun as last year. Like last year I spent a lot of time on a boat. And I drank a lot of beer.

There was a lot of laughing. Apparently more so when I fell off a bicycle. Did you know two people who have been drinking all day should not attempt to ride a bicycle together? This was a major life lesson learned.

It was fun. It was relaxing.

It was everything I needed.

I have a great group of friends there. I cannot even explain how great my oldest friend is...she has been the driving force in us staying friends even when I moved away. For that I am thankful. Because she is a great friend today.

B was there. Suddenly I don't know what else to write about that.

So I will stick with him being there and it being a great weekend.

But no, there was no crossing #11 off the list.

Book Review: Hedge Fund Wives

Hedge Fund Wives by Tatiana Boncompagni


My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Love. Love. Love.

I loved this book. A perfect easy lake/beach read. Loved the characters. You see things coming but you like when it happens because you can't wait to see how it develops.

Perfect example of how fun chic lit truly is.

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